...
So I've been asked not to talk about the topic that I want to talk about but just...wow...

anywho...TFK TONIGHT!!! YEAH!!

20 pages of CA homework to do by tomorrow...my defence tomorrow....

TFK TONIGHT YEY!!!!

Yeah, I'm not overly excited about the defence but at the saame time not worried at all and once its over I can relax a little.

Blah, I wish I had more time to post...I need to know what I'm doing next year....blah....keep the faith Ashby keep the faith....good things come to those that wait...and wait...and wait....and so on...

but yeah...

CANADA DAY TOMORROW!! I'm stoked! Can't wait...gotta go..peace

- posted by Kai @ 6/30/2004 03:53:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Missionary Ashby...
so, I just applied (very last second) for my mission trip for the year...looks like if everything works our right I'll be heading to New Orleans.

Now, that means another $1015 to aquire...

Thank goodness the Lord is on my side on this one!

In other news my graduation defence is on Canada Day (the first) as well as is my CA homework due...and a whole bunch...after the first there will be yet another load off my back, be praying that all goes well in everyones defence.

Its scary in a way, its all comming to an end...whether or not I stay most of the people I have befriended will be heading off to continue on in the vision for there lives...seperated by thousands of miles...wow. We come to learn, to grow, so that when we get back out into the world...we will have that solid foundation of faith that we can take and build on after this...

and we build some amazing friendships in the process...

*sigh* I've been thinking about this too much.


- posted by Kai @ 6/29/2004 08:51:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
*blink*
so, yeah...ug, I had somehting to post but its gone now. Dang. Well, I should go to bed...going to beat up JoJo if she hits me with another pillow AHH!!!!!

Yep, JoJo is going down.....definatly.

Anywho, Kristy...email me back.

anywho, peace out.
- posted by Kai @ 6/28/2004 07:55:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Interesting thoughts pt.3
or, something like that...just had an interesting thought...well, its been the thought on my my all day and I don't really know how to word it...so I won't...

Kristy, I feel for you girl. Check your email. Be well ok?
- posted by Kai @ 6/27/2004 09:52:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Story Time
**moved to "Writings of the Burning Heart"**
- posted by Kai @ 6/26/2004 11:46:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
hmm...
I don't have very long, just some thoughts...

I have many people in my life who know me, some from my past, from from right now in my life...some from both...

Chuck, I love that man and he loves the Lord, he understands me in a way only a brother really could and when I think of the body of Christ being a family, I think of him as comfermation.

but really, the list is awesome, from just on here I have people like Liegh-Anne and Chuck and Denver and even my sister come to back me up and lift me up, I love them so much you have no idea...(or, you might) and the list goes on and on of people off here that are daily encouragments and what not.

and two people that harbor this...thing against me...

the people that really know me come to my side and wow, true awesome friends they are and so often i don't show them enough how much they mean to me...and yet I still let those two people erk me, get me upset...fustrated...ect. What the heck? They are just a few people in a sea of awesome people who read what I say and actually take time to understand the words that come from my mouth and that come from my fingers and come to me with questions, not lashes...

"and you will be hated..." the words of Jesus ring in my head again..I remember this journal's name and remember why...

Be who you want to be...the magority and the people who only ever really knew me keep me in there prayers and encourage me..they confront out of love and tell me I'm wrong out of the same love that they have that comes straight from Jesus...praise God

the few people that can't know me and still claim to know me better can't have a say in this life....its just that.

And I'm sorry Lex you feel that way (refuring to your blog) thats not what I ment and if you would stop twisting my words you would see my heart...eather way you still have no say until you know me.

In essence, and this may be harsh...get over it. Cheska, you said in your blog that you where walking away from the situation then the next day you post on my blog...stop making yourself into a liar and just walk away...for real.

Anyway, I'm going to be late...peace.
- posted by Kai @ 6/25/2004 10:42:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
I can relate...
Check this song out, I feel for the man, he's writing to Eminem while I just write to nobody...he talks about how people encourage him because of something he wrote, and also about how some write him hatemail for it...

Dear Slim Part 2
by KJ-52

Dear slim i wrote you but you aint callen
its been a couple years now since i wrote that song en
alot has changed now for you and I
I had no clue that I would write a song for you and
it would change some lives
Kids with tears in the eyes
they now come up to me
showing love to me
and telling me that they look up to me
The effects to me well
were really kinda strange to see
I only wanted to share with you now
Jesus done for me
but theres a whole nother side to things now
that I come to see
Its a huge influence you got upon on the industry
but enough of me
cause its not what i came to say to you
not a day goes by while i take time to pray for you
sorry now for what your mom and dad
what they did to you
but i can relate with you
cause well see dude iv been there too
I know theres a lot of pain and hurt
now that youv been through
but never forget theres a real love that god gave to you

Yo dear slim i wrote you and you still aint callen
backstage at the VMAs someone gave you my song and
I kinda wonderen what you thought man
Or when that guy walked up to you
and talked to you and put it in your hands
Maybe you never listen to it or
maybe you lost it
or maybe you heard it and you just got mad
and then you tossed it
did he hits you back
thats the question i always get
Im like well god for bide you might even of liked it
I dont know but
congratulations on your movie yo and
Heard your last record well ova ten million sold
but theres one thing that gots me thinkin bro
dose the grammy mean anything if its just got a carcass sole
In case you didnt know theres a lovin that will never go away
you say your goin to hell but it dont have to be that way
see the bottom line of what im tryin to say is
god puts back the broken peaces
that are were thrown away
If even everyone you know
just up and goes away
he'll still love you till the very day
that your of that old and gray
to bad alot of Christians all they do is hate on you
instead of dropen it there knees
and taken time to pray for you
its ovious that you really love your doughtier dude
for that i gota tell you well i really got respect for you
so here it is dear slim chapter part 2
another cat tring to make it just like you

Yo dear slim did you hear the junk that im goin through
Kinds sending me hate mail and telling me
how im fighting you
telling me how they gonna beat me up and just kill me too
but alot of people they just seem to get my song confused
see what i say to you i know it might even sound funny
but i never came at you just to paint you has the enemy
it wasn't about haten or spunten some controversy
it wasn't about blamen you or tryn to make some money na
i dont claim to know everything that youv experienced
man i dont even know if even ever be hearen this
but i said it once and i still hold it is
is that a life with out Christ is still a life that is never fixed
ill tell you this even if its a hard pill to swallow
like it or not slim your gonna always be a roll model
do you know these kids were the ones they always follow
what we say and how we live gives them a better tomorrow
iv had my share of some plus man iv been rejected
iv been chewed up spit out and cussed disrespected
but if i die to day and never sale another record
Jesus gave me more than i ever could of been expected
i know life is hectic it can leave you blowin away
but check it bro cause we just gonna die someday
and on that note well theres only one thing still left to say
theres still one love and one god and only one way
- posted by Kai @ 6/25/2004 11:55:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
God is good...
Have you ever wondered? I have always found it amazing how God answers prayer. Usually not in the amazing glorious *poof* there it is kind of way...but is the simplicity of it all. I mean, I prayed for finances when I thought it wasn't coming and then I find out it is...I mean, you can say what you want but God answered the prayers of a few people there, not just myself.

So I got an email today from someone who works in GE asking about what I planned on doing for my mission trip requirement...The Lord is good, I'm not forgotten...even with all the happenstance and circumstance of why I have yet to apply (mostly my own dumb fault, praise the Lord for his mercies) He still gives me another chance...well, at least I think thats what this is leading too lol...keep praying for me PLEASE!! Cause your prayers are felt.

So I was asked to remove a portion of my last larger post the other day....I was kindof angered at first...I mean whatever but the more I think about it...the more I'm just confused about the whole situation, I'm not going to go into detail but yeah...maybe I know too much and too little all at the same time.

I was so saddened at the thought of graduation this mourning, the talk of our last week and what we will be doing filled me with some joy but the thought of having to say goodbuy to so many friends all at once is a little more then I can handle to think about right now...so many people I'll probably never see again...though you can bet your loonie that I'll be back for Alumni weekend baby! And yall better be there too!

Its hard to think of moving on...especially where I sit now still on the waiting list. I won't give up on the prospect of being a CA...thought doesn't stick into my mind too long anymore about just giving up that quest but man...its hard. I'm just glad I have a few things sorted out in case I do go home, maybe I should start looking for a job now...wow...thats a scary thought, moving to Ottawa...being on my own....like, living off of my own income for real wow...nothing like being 20. I remember like it was yesterday, I was 17 and in highschool...didn't much care about my future and now I'm living it and wow...do I ever wish I had cared a little about my future then. Do I ever wish sometimes that I could go back and slap myself in the face about a hundred times and screem SMARTEN UP!!! LoL ah well, that path led me here and while my time in this year draws short, and while its still unclear as to if my time here is drawing short or not one thing is for sure...the Lord has changed my life through this place more then I think I could have been changed anywhere else...and prior to popular belief, it has been for the better. Most of you know my plans to be a pastor type person...I can't wait to get out there and start preaching the truth in a real way...not like so many that play it up but...to somehow preach the reality of it...not the hype not the emotional junk but...the reality...to be real with the people I speak too...

Jesus while he was here on earth was very human. Sometimes we miss the humanity of Jesus' preaching and teaching. Remember that story when He sat by the well and talked to the woman there? Think about this..He stopped to rest. What amazes me is the fact that He had to stop and rest a while while the others went and got food.

Jesus, God, the Word made flesh, yet so human. He felt every pain we do, felt every temtation we struggle with. God, the creator of everything laid himself down to be whipped till the white of his rips showed...beaten till He couldn't be recodnised anymore, carried a massive cross to the top of the hill where they laid him down...nailed his hands and his feet to the hardwood and hung Him up where He had to push up on the nails through his feet just to breath.

He walked into the city knowing this would happen...
He told everyone that followed Him this would happen...
and just as He told them, He rose again three days later...

The reality of Christ Jesus...

"My love for only Him be known, that I live for One in Three...the Trinity"

Praise the Lord, have a great day.
- posted by Kai @ 6/24/2004 04:34:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
...
just got out of a little information session about Graduation...
...I don't know...

I'm gonna cry when it comes

...so many things have happend this year...Lord don't let this end...please...
- posted by Kai @ 6/24/2004 06:54:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
weak and dumb...
"The only reason I loathe you, is because you're weak and dumb, and, perhaps, you always have been that way, you've only just let others see it recently."

Its funny, all my life I have felt that way, weak and dumb...worthless and meaningless...as though I had nothing to give and nothing to show...I have always felt as though I was hated and mocked by the vast magority for good reason...because I was "weak and dumb". Now you must understand that when your told this all through school it really gets to you, it seeps into your brain like a virus that you never totaly get away from....or can you?

It was interesting to hear it again, not that its the first time I have heard it at all, quite the contrarty...but for the first time I don't beleave it. I don't beleave it at all, not even a hint of it...

odd...

To know the strangth I have in Christ is...weard, makes you think. I mean, I'm alot more vocal....casual around people then I ever was...more, confident then ever. I don't shy away from people I walk up to them...even the ones that would normaly intimidate me....and I just noticed it.

"The only reason I loathe you, is because you're weak and dumb..."

interesting the message that has been pounded into my brain for so long...so untrue..and with the realization of this untruth I have opened up doors in my life....leadership oppertunitys, or, more importantly...a life after Teen Mania *gasp*...

I hope that in my core there is at least one man who was told this in their lives...so I can share my testemony with them and desciple them...

I have a vision for my Core :) yeah I know that was random but I'm so excited...

The passionate pursute of the Living God....

just a little sneek peek :P

I love these times of revolation, finding out things in your life....working on them, building on them....

I hope you all know that my family is awesome. I have written alot of "grr angry" posts but you know what? They are awesome. We all have our issues with our family sometimes but you know...they always come through in the end. God is faithful and family is awesome.

I have been fustrated alot the past few weeks...probably the dry time pushing me hard...but when you come out of those dusty dry times and see the growth and see all the amazing things God has worked in your life you praise Him so much more...Glory to God!

I've been letting too much get me down, to many peoples words stick me like a sword to the heart...I shouldn't let that happen, words are meaningless but action with words means alot...

like I was talking to someone the other day on the IM who thretened my person...over the IM....

Empty words have nothing to back them up

I would love to get to a level where nothing that comes from my mouth falls to the ground...translation I would love it if all my words where full...backed up by the Word and holy. The words that come from my lips not of me but of God...I would never speak again and give that up freely if God would do all my talking for me...ah, how my empty words wouldn't hurt so many then...you know what I mean?

Randomness...thats how I feel right now...if randomness is a feeling...

"I even told someone to check out your site a while ago and guess what - he reports to me on a regular basis about the inspring stuff he reads there - so ya, allot of people go there. That makes me proud most of the time - hehe!!"

My mom is great isn't she?

Have you ever come to the realization that your words are reaching a heck of alot more people then you thought?

Has that thought ever made you want to watch every word you say so you don't offend somebody?

Have you then after that remembered the fact that you created this Journal to be an open book?

Do you ever think that if I was so careful about who read this that I watched every word I wrote that the heart and message and emotion and everything I'm trying to convay if anything would be lost? I think that too..

Though I do think about you...whoever you are who is reading this, I think about all those who could potentially read this and ask...

"Why are they reading this?"

I hope its because you want to see what God is working in my life...so why not share it all? We all go through our hard times in life....nothing that I write here is any different then most...ecept for maybe some people keep alot to themselves...but really we all go through our highs and lows, our good and our nasty, and even if I'm just weak and dumb...I at least know one thing...

that we all have our days...

am I right?

Where am I going with this? Back too work, I love yall'. Peace.
- posted by Kai @ 6/21/2004 04:17:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Beauty...
Before I start, be sure to read the posts below, there has been some good stuff posted...also keep up with the tagger :)

So, today I was reminded of beauty...real beauty...not the fakness of what the world calles beauty but the real thing. Like the beauty in worship...

I remember one cold mourning a few months ago now when I walked out of my room to see the mountains and there it was. Beauty in worship. Does it matter who it was? No...the fact is that it could have been anyone and it would have been just as beautiful....so perfect. A person praising God without a care in the world, the backdrop of mountains off in the distance...God's glory. Its amazing. I can't really put it into words today but I was reminded of that today in church...as though God where looking to me and seeing the same thing.

isn't that amazing?
- posted by Kai @ 6/20/2004 06:20:00 p.m. (0) comments

 

In Memory: Rachael Barlow 1983-2004
...standing in one spirit, contending as one...
- posted by Kai @ 6/19/2004 02:05:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Denver's words...
This is what happends when youtalk with me not too me...you get a glimps of my heart and Denver knows me...I love that man...this is what he wrote in case you missed it.

P.S. Chuck...I love you, your words ment so much in this time you have no idea...thank you.

queesamor: Cheska, listen to me:

If right now I went outside and picked up a really big rock and then threw it in the middle of a bunch of dogs eating dinner it would hit one or two and the one that it hit would yelp very loudly because big rocks being dropped on you hurts bad.
Guilt travels in the same way. If I throw a big ball of truth and confrontation out into a bunch of people's minds the one (or more) that get hit are not going to like the pain (guilt) and are going to yell pretty loudly. Your actions seem to be indicitave of this.

My brother sleeps about seven feet from me and being that close for a year brings a closeness with it. I can tell you in absolute truth that Chris was venting and upset at the fakeness and feebleness of this world. Sin is not a pretty thing and when we fully understand how bad it really is it makes us angry that it is in our midst. Malice and hatred plague those following Christ (2 Timothy 3:12) and it can be upsetting.

Here's another approach:

When Chris posts about something he makes it evident who it is for. If he is rebuking someone he makes sure to add specific circumstances so they know who they are. If he is praising someone he points it at aspecific person. But when he is aiming at the general populus, as is with this post, he does none of this. If you closely examine this last post you will notice that he never brings up specific circumstances or occurrances, he never points a specific finger, and everything is pretty vague. It would seem that this would not fit his mold of posting style.

One last thing:

Sister, I do not know you but my heart crys out for you. Please listen to the words coming from my computer to your's: Chris's goal in keeping in contact with you is to soften the relationsip and chop down the mountain of pain and grudge that stands between the two of you. He is not being fake; he lets his heart be known. When you read words that make anger boil up in you like a flood SHOVE IT BACK DOWN! I am not yelling at you, I am asking you to yell within yourself whenever such antagonizing and elusive emotions try to control your heart and your actions. Be gentle and meek, soft in speach. Would I spend this much time if I didn't care? Would Chris?


- posted by Kai @ 6/19/2004 12:40:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Lighten up the mood a bit yo!
So yeah, I think I have pretty well scared off all those people who really dislike reading those doom and gloom journals...ah, thus is the realm of things or whatever...

So, life is picking up, my last post actually brought forth the reaction I was looking for from people here..they actually saught me out and talked with me. I had as awesome conversation with Denver and Liegh-Anne and I and Misty and Ian and um....Nate all hung out last night and had some good conversation it was awesome. As well as others, heck even my sister (I love that girl so much!) saught me out and we talked and it was great! Got alot out it was great. And the same ol people that didn't bother ever before still haven't, got one comment saying that he still cares but words mean nothing without action and well, looking to the right of the board you can see Cheska's reaction...lol, I love how people take one thing and miss everything else EVERYtime I post...its just amusing to me now. But all in all, I'm over my little anger fit and life is slowly calming down, have been emailing mom back and forth and we have something worked out for the money situation...slowly things are working themselves out....God answers prayer even when I'm a "dumba$$" I love that, even when your dumb God is faithful...praise the Lord. I think everything is all good for the $1500 needed for the internship...now for the $300 for my trip, I got an email from Cathy this mourning saying that they got my update letter. :) yeah...see folks! Its awesome!

so there ya go, no doom and gloom today! YEY!

be blessed!
- posted by Kai @ 6/18/2004 04:18:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
My enemy, myself...
I am in but deep despair, for not have I given up everything. I am now in longing for something real, the treasure I seek. Hear my cry.
Agony is my day, for not that my enemy comes from all around, but that he is rooted deep inside.

He pours out his death and uses my mouth to spew his sickness
he uses my fingers to cut down and destroy and for what does it all mean?
I am in but deep despair for I fear that it is too late, too much now has been done and now I look above...

I see Your face getting so far away now, I've been so selfish, so wrong...I long deeply for the treasure...For You, why must this thing be so rooted in myself? Why must my sinful nature have such a hold over me, blinding my every thought...Every motion...Lord I can't do this....I can't....

Has this year all been for waist? No, at least now I know that I'm in sin...At least I know I fall short...At least now I know...Thank you Lord

.
.
.

What the heck do you want from me?! if you want to see my distroyed, torn down that there you go. WHY DO YOU KEEP READING THIS?! For more to write on your own blog? To fill your own life? GET AWAY FROM ME!
If all I am is a show, if all this is is a game to you then get lost...go, I do not write in here for peoples amusment, I write in here to somehow let out my emotions...and to be the open book, to not let anything be kept secret...but if you are reading this for your amusment, because you like to see me in pain or whatever ug, what the heck? Even now your reading this just sucking it in, loving every word of it, loving my pain, loving my hurt...because I hurt others now I deserve it too...and you call me the sick one. Get lost, get the heck out of here...go get a life and stop sitting down and laughing at mine...I bring myself into things and I make mistakes just like any other...get over it.
If you are here and you care, actually care about what you see here...if what you read actually concerns you and maybe even greaves your heart a little...if you care at all, if your heart is still soft and know that none of us are perfect, I the least of all...if you read this to see what is going on in my life thank you...but don't read this to find out who I am for this is not me...this is one part...my full fleged emotion let loose no holds barred...but thank you, thank you for comming because you care. Because you want to know what to pray for me about or whatever...you all have your reasons...

don't let the emotion scare you...don't let it fool you eather...

because when you talk to me today I'll be normal everyday Ashby, because as deep as I hurt sometimes I can't let emotion run my life, Jesus must be my strangth and my joy and there is no doubt that he is...

and when you see me next don't think that I'm being fake...

because no matter what I write here I know and live in the joy of the Lord and it is truth. As much as this life brings pain, as much as alot of the time I bring much hurt to myself and desurve the lot of it I know that I can lean on Him.

I am learning to hate my sin...to hate everything about my fleshly nature...I just need to learn to love...

I seek the Lord once again, draw near to He who has seemed so distant these past few weeks...

Hey, why not instead of reading this, why not come find me, talk to me...this is not all of me nor shuld it be...I write alot, most of it nonsence, most of it painful, alot of it meaningless...why not give me a call...talk to me, seek me out if you want answers.

Please please don't base what you know of me on what you read here...or what you read when we talk over IM..please, my written word is so little of who I am, you can't see my heart when reading my words...you can't see the real emotion behind the fingers that type this post...you have no idea whether I'm laughing or crying...you might get an idea but you don't know...

and this just doesn't go for me, if you think you know anyone, really look down and ask yourself the question "have I seeked them out?" do you talk to them, ask them face to face the deep questions of thair heart? How can you know someone by purly IMing them...or reading thair journal...I should be the last one to talk, I found a romance in a person I could not know...could not see. But it wasn't ment to be and it lead to sin.

I started off this post deeply hurting, angry...angry that someone would be reading this as pure amusment to themselves...but lets cast that aside...find me. If you want to know me find me, don't read this...for so often I write things in the heat of the moment and don't even think twice about what I write....so often its pure emotion and pure...flesh that sits on these pages...don't know me through my written word, know me through my heart...talk to me...

you know how to contact me, if you don't again ask...I love you all, that mat be hard to beleve but its truth. Find me, talk to me and find out how, find out why...
- posted by Kai @ 6/16/2004 03:58:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Love, what a wonderful thing...?
Ever get the feeling like that one couple you thought would be together forever...the ones that, though indeed they have thair short commings as we all do, practice purity in all they do, don't get too wrapped up in emotion but still care for each other in a way you just know they are going to get married...might be slipping slightly?

Just a random thought by the Ashby, I mean..the whole issue on so called "Love" vs. a true dating/corting relationship is something that has become a passion of mine and I love how these two (though the beginnings of thair relationship was pure un-haltered emotion that I saw first hand and which created the worst summer of my life...) have taken what was in the beginning, changed it around and are now a healthy couple that are more interested in building onto the firm friendship needed in that circumstance. Heck, the one you are married to is your best friend for life...

but some of my thoughts are put to question because of some silly answers to a silly quiz

so, you know who you are

I'd like to hear your response to these questions...
Been in love?:: dont expect an anser that makes any sence for these kinda questions.
Do you think love is a load of crud?:: dont ask my opinion on that, i already answered.

lets talk :)

o, but she did have one of the best answers I have seen to this one question, praise God! :)

What is your idea of the best date?:: having fun with good freinds

anywho, email me! If you forget the addy its christopher.ashby@teenmania.com

I'll be waiting for the email you *stare* o, plus...I had one other thing...

Made fun of someone:: haha! i make fun of aura all the time! shes my arch enemy!

so what, its not me anymore? It seems I'll have to move ahead with my death ray plans again...or maybe just come home and kick you in the shins a few dozen times :P lol...peace
- posted by Kai @ 6/12/2004 11:18:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Sisters...
Ok so yeah, I just wanted to say before I got into tonights topic that my sisters rock! So yeah...

tonights topic is a little more...um...I dunno....well, let the ranting begin...

So alot has been on my mind as of late, and with the swirl of emotion of just remembering the good ol days when Selfless as a whole was all here and the bro/sis core was ..well..here, I wrote a post a few days ago about the ones from Selfless that I miss...well, lol...all of them..

And with Chels comming on campus and the mess of rememberance of last semester that that brought it was an intersting surprise, and one that won't soon be forgotten...it was great to actually talk with her...but now, once again I'm surprised and Ester is back on campus until tuesday...

I don't know what to say, I mean ug..I never took the time to really know her well but its odd, I remember the Colorado Ski trip and a chance to actually talk with her...it was cool but dood, I dunno...why do people have to leave...or get dismissed....ug I'm kinda messed up in my thinking right now...REALLY tired but here me out...

I just want our family to be whole again, not just Lamad Ohana...I have had many friends leave and ug...I dunno...Pat, DANG MAN!! I heard that song by Reliant K and was like "Pat always played that" ug...

yeah, I know I'm being very random, I just came from a Bro/Sis event thing and, our core is so small right now, just us 7 and Brett...you guys better come visit soon...Annie did, so can you!! AHH!!! K, um...yeah..I need to go to bed, l8rz
- posted by Kai @ 6/10/2004 09:35:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
hmm...
as Brett would say I'm feeling very fleshy today...as well as dang near dead...haven't stayed up that late in a long time but the Lord is awesome and faithful

"Never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealin'
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin’
And I've been wrong, I've been down
been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
scream,Are we having fun yet?
Yet, yet, are we having fun yet?"

I dunno, this song has been ringing through my head all day...interesting (I think thats my word of the month...) anywho, I'm going to lay down for a bit...hopfully not for over my aloted hour...that might be bad...
- posted by Kai @ 6/10/2004 04:05:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
From the desk of Dave Hasz:
Greetings-



According to our records in the Honor Academy you have not yet fulfilled the mission trip participation with Teen Mania required to graduate from the Honor Academy. I want to make sure you realize the importance of this requirement and our serious intention to enforce it. No one will be allowed to graduate from the Honor Academy in August who has not fulfilled their mission trip requirement. If you feel your name is on this list in error please talk with your RD, ASAP! Don’t let this wait, time will only make this more difficult. There is still time to get on a summer trip with GE if you act quickly. Please do not delay in this matter and miss your chance to graduate in August.



If you are not able to complete your trip requirement, you may participate in adventure trips or GE trips in the future. Once you complete your trip you will be able to graduate from the Honor Academy and walk in the subsequent graduation ceremony.



Thank you and have a great day-



David

I know I shouldn't be worried...but I really want to graduate with my class...my friends...*sigh*
- posted by Kai @ 6/08/2004 09:03:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
The ones I miss...
I miss many of those I have met throughout the year...Especially those whom are brothers...remembering the old days of Selfless...

I miss Ken...
Ken, the one man whose love for Homestarrunner.com was amazing, I remember the many times he would just break out into SB techno. I remember his soft heart and his love for people. I remember the long talks in his room, I remember he packing because his year had completed...I miss you man.

I miss Rob...
Phlagmatic to the point of a coma, I remember his many mornings sleeping in far to late, I remember his love for music and his awesome sense of humor. I remember he and Brent and the friendship they built, I miss that man

I miss Ricky H...
He brought something to the core none of us really had...a passion for what he believed in that would not weaver at all, I remember the long talks at night...I remember the night after we went to the cemetery, how he opened up that night more then he had ever within the core...I remember the long talk we had just before he left, me trying so hard to understand why he was going...Ricky I miss ya bro...

I miss Brent...
So much I could say...man he brought so much to our room it was crazy, I miss the reality I miss that out right dangerous reality that poured from him. I miss the sarcasm I miss the outright funny things he said, I miss the Nazi leader who sat up on the third bunk during room meetings, I miss the push to be myself...to not be so fake.

I miss Pat...
My Asian, the man whose emotion was so strong...his passion so deep that at times it overshadowed everyone else...I liked that, he pushed me to have a real passion all my own, straight from God. I remember that late night we sat up and just talked and for once someone was real with me...taught me so much.

I miss Ricky L...
The man who has such a heart to see things change in the world, whose passions reach out past anything we ever saw in him until he left. His love for his family and passion for truth more then anything else...a man still learning so much, still pushing forward more then ever before...


I miss you guys so much...I could have said more about you all but time is short...Selfless would have never been the same without you all...you all added so much to this Core you may never know the impact you all had on me. Thanks for being brothers...

yours in life and death...
- posted by Kai @ 6/08/2004 04:07:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
The Day After Tomorrow
This is a picture just before this dude tryes to save hundreds of people from walking out too thair death...He saves two people from being dumb...

and the rest die...

very similer to how I feel everyday...it hurts, your trying to explain to people how they are going to die if they go outside and they don't get it....instead they listen to the voice that tells them to go, it'll be ok...

We're not going to save everybody, but its still painfull to see them walk by you out into the cold...knowing they are going to die and there is nothing you can do but help the people that stayed along...guide them along so when the storm does come it won't get them...

The storm is comming, make this real people...but instead of half the world freezing to death...it will be the whole world going up in flames...and we the survivors won't be picked up by the government after the fact...we will be taken by God before the fact...

and somehow the words "I told you so" won't do it justice at all...

sobering thoughts indeed. Amazing what the fakness of a movie can bring up huh?
- posted by Kai @ 6/06/2004 11:39:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Body: um, yeah...What's the question? I'm...Tall? Skinny? What are you looking for?
Height:: 6'3"
Natural hair color:: Dirty Blonde
Eye color:: blue
Number of siblings:: two, both younger
Glasses/contacts?:: your mother...O, I mean Glasses
Piercings:: 302, you'll never guess where :P KIDDING!!!
Tattoos:: maybe someday
Braces?:: nope

FAVORITE
Color:: um...is white a color? grr, no...ok blue
Band:: right now? Skillet probably
Song:: Collide
Stuffed animal:: I have this awesome cool monkey that hangs in my cubby
Video game:: Classic Doom or Bejewled :P
TV show:: FOX NEWS BABY!!! YEAH!!
Movie:: The Passion
Book:: Matthew
Food:: CJ's!! lol
Game on a cell phone:: there is this crazy RPG game on Krystal's phone that I love...dang Humble Turtle will get you every time though
CD cover:: POD: Southtown
Flower:: White Rose
Scent:: I'm loving this Axe stuff I have
Animal:: Horses
Cereal:: Trix!
Website:: homestarrunner.com
Cartoon:: Garfield!

DO YOU
Play an instrument?:: Bass!!
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?:: I have before...but unless I wanted to skip work to watch Fox news for 60 hours...it wouldn't happen here
Like to sing?:: all the time
Have a job?:: more like a ministry placement but yeah
Have a cell phone?:: heck no, me no rich boy
Like to play sports?:: sometimes
Have a crush on someone?:: crush the crush, they be dumb
Have any special talents/skills?:: I dunno, The Lord has given me quite a bit...Probably my sense of humor would be my best skill :)
exercise daily?:: well, I usually try to get my 4 times a week in...which I don't think is going to happen this week..dang
Like school?:: Well, though this isn't really school I'm licking where I am now, although its crazy hard

CAN YOU
Sing the alphabet backwards?:: heck no
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?:: nope
Speak any other languages?:: well, I trying to learn French again...
Go a day without food?:: how bout 3?
Stay up for more than 24 hours?:: used to do it all the time
Read music, not just tabs?:: getting better
Roll your tongue?:: um...maybe?
Eat a whole pizza?:: again, I used to all the time...kinda sick now that I think about it

HAVE YOU EVER
Snuck out of the house?:: yup, to head to a James' house way early after sneaking in the night before...they never knew I came home
Cried to get out of trouble?:: lol, I was way better then that
Gotten lost in your city?:: nonono, WAAAYYY too small
Seen a shooting star?:: yup
Been to any other countries besides the united states?:: um...Canada..where I come from!
Had a serious surgery?:: Nope.
Stolen something important to someone else?:: neh...don't like ta steal
Solved a rubiks cube?:: nope
Gone out in public in your pajamas?:: I used to even on campus till we where told we couldn't...I was sad
Cried over a girl?:: yup
Cried over a boy?:: um...no
Kissed a random stranger?:: wow, um..nope
Hugged a random stranger?:: All the time!
Been in a fist fight?:: Once
Been arrested?:: Nope
Done drugs?:: heck no!
Had alcohol?:: been there, done that
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?:: nope
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?:: O YEAH!!! Everytime I went to James' apartment
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?:: they made me during the Ice Storm of 98' even though I could have taken the day off...grrr
Swore at your parents?:: yeah...*blink*
Been to warped tour?:: no
Kicked a guy where it hurts?:: not on purpose
Been in love?:: depends on what you mean by love I guess...infactuated yes, in Love with God yes...found true love? haven't met my wife yet
Been close to love?:: haven't met her yet
Been to a casino?:: nope, won't eather
Ran over an animal and killed it?:: nope, though comming from Canada thats something most people have done at least twice
Broken a bone?:: nope YEY!
Gotten stitches?:: nope
Had a waterballoon fight in winter?:: lol...yeah
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?:: yeah :) ah the good ol days
Made homemade muffins?:: yup :)
Bitten someone?:: Lol, I bit Train just yesterday
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?:: nope
More than 5 times?:: NO!
Been to niagra falls?:: neh, though I should have by now
Burped in someones face?:: EEEWWWWW!!!
Gotten the chicken pox?:: when I was like 2!

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth:: Morning.
Went to the bathroom:: While ago.
Saw a movie in theaters:: um...last weekend...The Day after Tomorrow
Read a book:: Reading one for CA training "The Pursute of God"
Had a snow day:: :( I miss snow...
Had a party:: well, unless you count the Tornato warning a few days ago..that was quite the "party" :P
Had a slumber party:: Slepped in the other room a few weks ago...*blink*
Made fun of someone:: lol, all in good fun :)
Tripped in front of someone:: lol
Went to the grocery store:: um...went to Brookshires a few weeks ago
Got sick:: Well, still getting over this dang cold thing I have...blah
Cursed:: a while ago now...10 months maybe?

PICK ONE
Fruit/vegetables:: Veg
Black/white:: White
Lights on/lights off:: off
TV/movie:: movie
Car/truck:: Car
Body spray/lotion:: Lotion, I think.
Cash/check:: Cash
Pillows/blankets:: blanket
Paint/charcoal:: Pencil
Chinese food/mexican food:: YUCKY MEXICAN
Summer/winter:: Winter!!!
Snow/rain:: Snow!!!
Fog/misty:: um, both
Rock/rap:: Rapcore!
Meat/vegetarian:: MEAT!!!
Boy/girl:: um, huh?
Chocolate/vanilla:: Vanilla
Sprinkles/icing:: icing
Cake/pie:: cake
French toast/french fries:: French Toast.
Strawberries/blueberries:: neather
Ocean/swimming pool:: never been in the Ocean
Hugs/kisses:: Hugs rock, I can give dem to everyone :P
Cookies/muffins:: muffins
Wallet/pocket:: Wallet
Pink/purple:: Purple
Cat/dog:: Dogs more.
Long sleeve/short sleeve:: Depends on the weather, duh.
Pants/shorts:: Pants
Winter break/spring break:: Winter
Spring/autumn:: autumn
Clouds/clear sky:: Clouds
Moon/mars:: Moon

FRIENDSHIP
How many friends do you have?:: um, a bunch :P
What are their names?:: wow...many peeps, you know who you are...and if there is a question ask me and I'll tell you :P
Do you have a best friend?:: *Grabs James by the neck then kicks Bev in the shins* ah, by bestest friends :)
Have you ever liked one of your friends?:: lol, I like all my friends! Ooooo...you mean like that...sure I have at one point or another in my life
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?:: wow...hmm, I think its pretty balenced right now...maybe a few more ladies because of the fect theres way more girls on campus :P
Have you ever lost a friend?:: yeah, sad times
Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?:: Went to Six Flags Over Texas last monday, great fun...miss ya Ricky
Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?:: The amazing laughter at the romantic parts of movies while interns are in the theater...LOL so funny...
Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?:: lol, of corse!
Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?:: well...its the things they never knew about, and I'd like to keep it like that
Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?:: Saved my life...James your the man :)
Do you miss any of your old friends?:: all the time
What friend have you known the longest?:: thats still a friend now? probably Chris (Dan is stricken from the list due to being lost in China)
Do you regret anything youve done to a friend?:: there are many things I wish I could take back...many things I have said I wish now I never did but to live in regret is foolish...for there is no going back in time
If so, what is it?:: You know
Has a friend of yours ever died?:: praise the Lord no
Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?:: When we stole the pylon
What do you think your friends think of you?:: a little over excited

LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP
Have you ever been in love?:: lol, an amusing question at best...and one I have already answered
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?:: The Bible does tal about those that are called to live in solitude with Him...but there is someone for the good most of us
What is your idea of the best date?:: The ones that arn't dates, but time out with a good friend
Do you think love is a load of crud?:: No, my God IS love
Whats the best experience youve ever had with the opposite sex?:: the friendships I have built here...getting to know my sisters has been an amazing experiance

SILLY STUFF
What is your favorite genre of music?:: hmm...Christian Rapcore
What time is it now?:: 2:29pm
What day is it?:: sat
Whens the last time you called someone?:: hmm, a while ago...hate phones...kill the phones...
How much money do you have right now?:: $0...ah the life of an intern
Are you hungry?:: hmm, not really
Do you like parades?:: sometimes...more if they are like Shrek 2 LOL
Do you like the moon?:: um, sure...the stars are better though :P
What are you going to do when youre done with this?:: well, hopfully get of the comp and find peoples
If you could have any magical power what would it be?:: Immortality...wait, already got it..few, that was close
Have you ever had a picnic?:: Yup

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
funny?:: I like to think so, others may not though lol
pretty?:: Pretty, I'm so pretty...so Pretty and Pretty and..this is a pretty dumb question
sarcastic?:: I can be...though the lowest form of humor, sometimes the most effective
lazy?:: at times...hate it
hyper?:: lol
friendly?:: sometimes overly so...gets me in troble
evil?:: wha?? NO!
smart?:: lol...o my
strong?:: I have my times where I like to think I am....but usualy doesn't last long
talented?:: in some areas
dorky?:: lol...


FOR OR AGAINST
suicide:: um, duh? Against!
love:: Love, all for Love! Thats what its all about
drunk drivers:: grr...make me mad...
airplanes:: why would I be against that?
war:: unfortinatly even with the best of intentions, as we have seen war is sick and twisted...and brings out the worst in people...I'm for the war but its not helping the already fagle view of the US in other countries
canada:: lol, some people are amusing in there answes...anyway I'm ALL FOR CANADA!!! I LOVE MY HOME!!!
united states:: hey, can't be all against it, some of my best friends are USians
rock music:: for
gay marriage:: against.
school:: all for edumication
surveys:: sometimes for...depends on the survey
parents:: all for :)
cars:: for
killing:: huh? Um, against
britney spears:: against "SICK!!!"
coffee:: ALL FOR!! Timmies!
pants:: um, I like pants...*blink*

WOULD YOU EVER
Sky dive?:: um, if you pushed me real hard...*blink*
Play strip poker?:: um, thats a negative
Run away?:: did, it...best time of my life...end of story
Curse at a teacher?:: again, been there, done that...not again
Not take a shower for a week?:: again...yes again been there done that...might not do it again if I had the chance
Ask someone out?:: not for another few months anyway :P
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?:: *thinks hard* hmmm....no
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?:: 10 months and counting...yes the US is very foreign :P
Go scuba diving?:: sure
Write a book?:: in the middle of a few...might never get done any of them lol
Become a rockstar?:: lol
Have casual sex?:: only with my wife :)

- posted by Kai @ 6/04/2004 10:21:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Last days of ACA...
well, blah, I don't want to talk about that...I have been thinking so much about next year...but as it sits right now I have yet to even apply for a Mission trip...I need to have my internshipp payed off at this point and the other $1000 for the trip needs to be in the mail...Lord I need your help right abuot now...I really want to graduate with my friends, to continue on with this path...pray for me guys...really pray
- posted by Kai @ 6/04/2004 11:53:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
interesting side thoughts...
if you read do you care about what you read? Do you care about the feelings and the heart? Do you see what you want to see or do you take it deeper, do you see things the way you want too see them or do you dig deeper...you you dive into the place beyond the flesh...deeper...I have written some things in the days past that at first might seem offencive...might have taken you by surprise, or maybe angered you...go deeper...go past your selfish ambitions, go past what you think youi know, read the words not knowing who I am, not knowing me...not knowing anything about who wrote those words and take them deeper...think of a man lost in a sea of emotion...torn between a world that tairs at the spirit and a relationship that tairs at the flesh...

Do we even know what it means to go deeper anymore? To not just take the words spoken as face value? There is something more...learn, teach yourself to go much deeper then you ever have before...

even the words I type on here, you could take it as face value and they would be meaningless and essentualy useless...but if you push deeper in the realm of true understanding, a realm only brought by the Holy Spirit...you will see what is being said....and maybe just maybe

Offence would be the last thing on your mind
- posted by Kai @ 6/03/2004 03:30:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
hmm...
So I haven't posted in a while, no real reason...Just haven't felt like it, though at the same time I have so many thoughts...So many emotions that maybe I shouldn't keep it all too myself, or then again...

"I did not come to bring peace..."

I came to the Lord today looking for some peace, for some way to cope...To maybe deal with my own emotions and thoughts and I was told...Straight from the Word of God...

"I did not come to bring peace..."

time to change my theology once again, or maybe I should stop relying on theology and start relying on God...Interesting thought...

"...I came to bring a sword..."

this is war...

"...I will pit man against his father, daughter against her mother..."

Why, what does it all mean...Lord help me...

"He who loves father or mother more then Me is not worthy of Me..."

o wow...That's it...

"...And he who loves son or daughter more then Me is not worthy of Me"

that's were we have gone all wrong, family before God. Family before God...

There is a story about a person who came to follow Christ and Jesus was all for it...But then the man said he had to first bury his father and Jesus rebuked him for worrying about his father before the kingdom of God, kinda goes into the same boat of the story about the Rich man isn't it? The man comes to Christ and askes what it would take to follow Him and Jesus says "Follow the commandments" easy enough for the man...He has been doing that all his life but Jesus wanted more....True devotion not just following the rules but true devotion...A willingness to but everything aside and follow him so Jesus says "sell all your posetions and give the all your money to the poor then you can come and follow me" and the guy walks away sad because he didn't want to give up everything...Then not quite finished Jesus turns to his followers and explains that its easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle then it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

it all kind of fits together doesn't it?

"I will pit man against father..."

To love those whom God used to bring you into life more then the God that actually created you? Interesting notion...To love the creation that came from your body more then loving the creator whom gave you that son or daughter...

we live in a very backwards world do we not? Where we will care more about ourselves or about our family or about the ones we love then we will about the one who created it all?

well, there is my rant for the day... I have much CA homework to do...Peace
- posted by Kai @ 6/02/2004 04:12:00 p.m. (0) comments