My enemy, myself...
I am in but deep despair, for not have I given up everything. I am now in longing for something real, the treasure I seek. Hear my cry.
Agony is my day, for not that my enemy comes from all around, but that he is rooted deep inside.

He pours out his death and uses my mouth to spew his sickness
he uses my fingers to cut down and destroy and for what does it all mean?
I am in but deep despair for I fear that it is too late, too much now has been done and now I look above...

I see Your face getting so far away now, I've been so selfish, so wrong...I long deeply for the treasure...For You, why must this thing be so rooted in myself? Why must my sinful nature have such a hold over me, blinding my every thought...Every motion...Lord I can't do this....I can't....

Has this year all been for waist? No, at least now I know that I'm in sin...At least I know I fall short...At least now I know...Thank you Lord

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What the heck do you want from me?! if you want to see my distroyed, torn down that there you go. WHY DO YOU KEEP READING THIS?! For more to write on your own blog? To fill your own life? GET AWAY FROM ME!
If all I am is a show, if all this is is a game to you then get lost...go, I do not write in here for peoples amusment, I write in here to somehow let out my emotions...and to be the open book, to not let anything be kept secret...but if you are reading this for your amusment, because you like to see me in pain or whatever ug, what the heck? Even now your reading this just sucking it in, loving every word of it, loving my pain, loving my hurt...because I hurt others now I deserve it too...and you call me the sick one. Get lost, get the heck out of here...go get a life and stop sitting down and laughing at mine...I bring myself into things and I make mistakes just like any other...get over it.
If you are here and you care, actually care about what you see here...if what you read actually concerns you and maybe even greaves your heart a little...if you care at all, if your heart is still soft and know that none of us are perfect, I the least of all...if you read this to see what is going on in my life thank you...but don't read this to find out who I am for this is not me...this is one part...my full fleged emotion let loose no holds barred...but thank you, thank you for comming because you care. Because you want to know what to pray for me about or whatever...you all have your reasons...

don't let the emotion scare you...don't let it fool you eather...

because when you talk to me today I'll be normal everyday Ashby, because as deep as I hurt sometimes I can't let emotion run my life, Jesus must be my strangth and my joy and there is no doubt that he is...

and when you see me next don't think that I'm being fake...

because no matter what I write here I know and live in the joy of the Lord and it is truth. As much as this life brings pain, as much as alot of the time I bring much hurt to myself and desurve the lot of it I know that I can lean on Him.

I am learning to hate my sin...to hate everything about my fleshly nature...I just need to learn to love...

I seek the Lord once again, draw near to He who has seemed so distant these past few weeks...

Hey, why not instead of reading this, why not come find me, talk to me...this is not all of me nor shuld it be...I write alot, most of it nonsence, most of it painful, alot of it meaningless...why not give me a call...talk to me, seek me out if you want answers.

Please please don't base what you know of me on what you read here...or what you read when we talk over IM..please, my written word is so little of who I am, you can't see my heart when reading my words...you can't see the real emotion behind the fingers that type this post...you have no idea whether I'm laughing or crying...you might get an idea but you don't know...

and this just doesn't go for me, if you think you know anyone, really look down and ask yourself the question "have I seeked them out?" do you talk to them, ask them face to face the deep questions of thair heart? How can you know someone by purly IMing them...or reading thair journal...I should be the last one to talk, I found a romance in a person I could not know...could not see. But it wasn't ment to be and it lead to sin.

I started off this post deeply hurting, angry...angry that someone would be reading this as pure amusment to themselves...but lets cast that aside...find me. If you want to know me find me, don't read this...for so often I write things in the heat of the moment and don't even think twice about what I write....so often its pure emotion and pure...flesh that sits on these pages...don't know me through my written word, know me through my heart...talk to me...

you know how to contact me, if you don't again ask...I love you all, that mat be hard to beleve but its truth. Find me, talk to me and find out how, find out why...
- posted by Kai @ 6/16/2004 03:58:00 p.m.