weak and dumb...
"The only reason I loathe you, is because you're weak and dumb, and, perhaps, you always have been that way, you've only just let others see it recently."

Its funny, all my life I have felt that way, weak and dumb...worthless and meaningless...as though I had nothing to give and nothing to show...I have always felt as though I was hated and mocked by the vast magority for good reason...because I was "weak and dumb". Now you must understand that when your told this all through school it really gets to you, it seeps into your brain like a virus that you never totaly get away from....or can you?

It was interesting to hear it again, not that its the first time I have heard it at all, quite the contrarty...but for the first time I don't beleave it. I don't beleave it at all, not even a hint of it...

odd...

To know the strangth I have in Christ is...weard, makes you think. I mean, I'm alot more vocal....casual around people then I ever was...more, confident then ever. I don't shy away from people I walk up to them...even the ones that would normaly intimidate me....and I just noticed it.

"The only reason I loathe you, is because you're weak and dumb..."

interesting the message that has been pounded into my brain for so long...so untrue..and with the realization of this untruth I have opened up doors in my life....leadership oppertunitys, or, more importantly...a life after Teen Mania *gasp*...

I hope that in my core there is at least one man who was told this in their lives...so I can share my testemony with them and desciple them...

I have a vision for my Core :) yeah I know that was random but I'm so excited...

The passionate pursute of the Living God....

just a little sneek peek :P

I love these times of revolation, finding out things in your life....working on them, building on them....

I hope you all know that my family is awesome. I have written alot of "grr angry" posts but you know what? They are awesome. We all have our issues with our family sometimes but you know...they always come through in the end. God is faithful and family is awesome.

I have been fustrated alot the past few weeks...probably the dry time pushing me hard...but when you come out of those dusty dry times and see the growth and see all the amazing things God has worked in your life you praise Him so much more...Glory to God!

I've been letting too much get me down, to many peoples words stick me like a sword to the heart...I shouldn't let that happen, words are meaningless but action with words means alot...

like I was talking to someone the other day on the IM who thretened my person...over the IM....

Empty words have nothing to back them up

I would love to get to a level where nothing that comes from my mouth falls to the ground...translation I would love it if all my words where full...backed up by the Word and holy. The words that come from my lips not of me but of God...I would never speak again and give that up freely if God would do all my talking for me...ah, how my empty words wouldn't hurt so many then...you know what I mean?

Randomness...thats how I feel right now...if randomness is a feeling...

"I even told someone to check out your site a while ago and guess what - he reports to me on a regular basis about the inspring stuff he reads there - so ya, allot of people go there. That makes me proud most of the time - hehe!!"

My mom is great isn't she?

Have you ever come to the realization that your words are reaching a heck of alot more people then you thought?

Has that thought ever made you want to watch every word you say so you don't offend somebody?

Have you then after that remembered the fact that you created this Journal to be an open book?

Do you ever think that if I was so careful about who read this that I watched every word I wrote that the heart and message and emotion and everything I'm trying to convay if anything would be lost? I think that too..

Though I do think about you...whoever you are who is reading this, I think about all those who could potentially read this and ask...

"Why are they reading this?"

I hope its because you want to see what God is working in my life...so why not share it all? We all go through our hard times in life....nothing that I write here is any different then most...ecept for maybe some people keep alot to themselves...but really we all go through our highs and lows, our good and our nasty, and even if I'm just weak and dumb...I at least know one thing...

that we all have our days...

am I right?

Where am I going with this? Back too work, I love yall'. Peace.
- posted by Kai @ 6/21/2004 04:17:00 p.m.