Name: Christopher Ashby Handle: Xan EMail: christopher.ashby @gmail.com Birthdate: October 28, 1983 Height: 6'3" Home: Ontario, Canada Location: Home Album of the Moment: |
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Final Fantasy XI: Status
Name: Xan
Race/Sex: Hume/Male
Nationality: Bastok
Rank: 6
Server: Titan
Current job: RDM/BLM
Main job: RDM/BLM
Linkshell: Asendance
Highest lvl: 60(RDM)
Mule: Nemar
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Xangas
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10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
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Saturday, October 30, 2004
wow...
Thank you so much everyone for the birthday greetings and such, made me feel really special and I just want to let you all know that I love you peeps alot. Really, you all mean so much too me you have no idea probably.
Well, in a sicker note...Its offical...I'm finally fully sick. Been fighting it off for a while but its in full swing now, doesn't help that I couldn't sleep at all last night cause of my stuffy nose
Chao.
(edit: grr...the rest of the post got lost, I said alot too some people I wanted to share my heart with...maybe I'll re-type it later once I feel better. Sorry all.)
(P.S. If anyone sees Joanne Garcia this weekend..KICK HER IN THE SHINS FOR ME!!! She needs it, I just know these things :P peace.)
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
in two days the world will be changed forever...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!!
lol, well...not yet..but soon my friends, soon.
My folks always ask me what I want, ad everytime they do I have no idea what it is I would like to recieve as a birthday gift. Last year was so perfect, even if I didn't make the cake lol...and I missed my family alot as well, this year will be great...getting away from here and going to see family..ah, how sweet it is.
I remember last year during my birthday...that was the day we as Dinner K-Crew (DKC 4 LIFE!!) decided we wanted to bless Breakfast crew (not quite as evil and warlike as lunch crew :P) by waking up BEFORE them (they usualy get to the kitchen at like 5am...we had to be there before them :P) and heading to the kitchen and preparing not only breakfast for the ministry but also a special breakfast for them :) we surved them and it was awesome...but HOOOLY was I tired that day lol.
The amusing part of that was when I got into the kitchen at like 4am there where all these "over the hill" posters and happy birthday signs posted...made me feel so special, so loved :) I didn't tell many people it was my birthday..guess it wasn't really a big deal too me...plus I was a little upset I couldn't be with family...lol when Brett found out later that day it was by b-day he almost had a cow lol. I remember he was like "Why didn't you tell me?! We coulda planned something" ah, I have family scattered all over this world and I love them all so much.
So, back to my wish list lol...
hmm... *thinks hard* well, I'll come up with a little list and you choose k mom? lol I really hate comming up with these lists...:P don't even know why.
#1 (in random order)
Final Fantasy XI Expansion Pack: Chains of Promathia
Wallmart.com's Price: $29.82USD
#2
Rogue AB-304 Acustic-Electric Bass
musiciansfriens.com's Price: $299.99USD
#3
Demon Hunter: Summer of Darkness Album
christianbook.com's Price: $12.99USD
#4
Sony CD Series Headphones MDR-CD280
sonystyle.com's Price: $29.99USD
#5
Being a kid again
kaitime.blogspot.com's Price: Priceless
#6
seeing this face again
Price: more then I have...
well, much love friends. Peace
it would seem I'm not alone...
so, after the realization that once again I have missed Leigh-Anne or something I decided to take a wonder over to Kristy's blog to see what was upn and she wrote something I have been thinking alot about myself these days...she writes:
"I need something to give my life meaning. Some sort of purpose. Some "thing". Everyone's got a "thing". Rin has writing. Andrea has animation. James... Beverly... well, ok, most people have a "thing". HEALTHY people have a "thing". I DON'T have a "thing".
Drawing depresses me. Writing depresses me. Trying to play the stupid ****ing bass depresses me. Work numbs me (a bit of relief sometimes). I have no ambition to study or work at things. I am listless, exhausted."
Now, though she has a lack of a name for this thing, quite simply its that one thing we do, be it hobby or the realization and use of a gift...it could be anything...what is my "thing"? As my friend has put it?
Andy has Animation, Shawn; like Kristy said is writing...James' thing is computers, Bev's is online commute...Chuck's is useless knowlege (yes thats a thing :P) and me... hmm, this is an intreaging question :P
Kristy's "think" is realism...at least thats what I have seen..though not a "thing" in itself it could develop into a "thing"...
what in the world am I going on about? lol
Change of topic time.
So I hit a snag of sepression last night...I hit it really hard, all at once I was so sick of everything, no money to even call LA then alone go see her, not eating nearly enough...eating the same thing day in and day out when I do eat...not doing much with my life other then work and sleep...everything thing just kinda caved in on me last night and I nearly flipped out
I wanted to flip out so bad...
life ain't so peachy here, I'll be honest woth you peeps...I work a whole lot for very little and I can't afford to go out and do anything with anyon...nor do I have the time to do so.
I often think back to the HA and want to be back there so much...
my fantasy...
then I come back to my sences and ask the question "where has my faith gone? O ye of little faith..." God has it...I'm in a point of solitude..where a hardcore Christian can't been seen for miles..all alone playing lone-ranger Christian when thats the last thing I wanted to do...but here I am, and sometimes I think I'm letting the enemy win in my life and I get fustrated so much with where I am right now, this isn't where I wanted to be..this isn't what I wanted to do...I wanted to go out and change the world NOW! But alas...God's plan is better then my own...once again I stand in awe at its brilliance.
I'll be honest with you..I'm in alot of pain right now, I have taken alot of blows here and the battle wages on...
I feel your prayers, keep them comming, cause sometimes I think thats the only thing that gets me by these days.
Love...its so good.
Leigh-Anne, I'm sorry I missed you again tonight..I'm thinking about you, and missing you alot. I'll try to call you tomorrow if I can before I have to be at work >_< I love you.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart...and love your naighbor as yourself.
Love...
Remember that Ashby, Love.
Much love to yall.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
The World of Vana'diel pt. 4
Isn't is wonderful?
So, beautiful it is...
well, is it really?
You look at this world, you see the northern lights and smile, not because of its beauty..because that is fake...pixles on a screen...but you smile because it is a certian, rarity that most don't see...
What makes you smile? Is it the fake wonders of this world?
sure, there are many things that could put a smile on your face...like seeing a Turuturu riding a Chocobo, always cause for a smile...but when does fantasy end and reality begin?
Its no wonder fantasy is so much more inviting, we know what can make us smile so we invent that very thing...and take away the pain attached to so many things here on earth...we wisk ourselves away too a world where nothing causes pain...where there is no sorrow...no memories of a past so hunting
We come into w world where we can finaly be who WE want to be, not what big brother wants us too be, not what society wants us to be, its finally up too us we have the control...we choose our path and walk it...no wonder fantasy is so engulfing
But a pixalated world cannot take you far enough away from this world, and soon once again you return here to rest and eat...
why not find more here then food and rest?
Just as you explore Vana'diel, maybe its time to explore this world...give it another shot, see what it has too offer...maybe even
meet its creator...
doesn't that sound like a grand adventure?
...Forever in the Fantasy of Forever...
,Ashby
Friday, October 22, 2004
My friend Trina
This is my friend Trina...
Everyone say Hi Trina!
"Hi Trina!"
Trina wrote something in her blog...
she's a bad little intern...lol, not really..I joke
really though...
I feel the same way Trina...it really all just feels like I woke up from an amazing dream...I know how you feel...too much work, too much sleep, not enough of anything else...
at least you have that chance...
...too go back to the dream and live it again
even if its not the same...
K-Crew 4 Life...not just one year
Trina, keep it up friend, push hard and push strong...you have so much around you there...take full advantage of it.
Much love my silly sister. Peace.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
The World of Vana'diel pt. 3
Where are we going?
What are we doing?
We huddle together in one place, so many of us...we distroy the target then...we leave...never once really caring if somebody was slain in the battle, unless of course it ment our own distruction.
Where are we going? What are we doing?
Who is being hurt by the choices we make?
Do others suffer so you can succeed?
They probably do and you don't even realize it...
The little man.
but its ok isn't it? Like the big fish eating the smaller, it must do so to stay alive right?
That is, until you meet up with the fisherman...then your that much more taisty when you end up in the frying pan...
makes one think doesn't it?
no matter who you step over or on to get where you want to be in life..there will always be someone to step right back on you...always.
So why step at all?
Why not take your time? avoid the steps of others and be wise instead of sly?
Other human beings are not here for your advancement...
...we are here to give glory...
To One
Much love all, I'm going to bed.
,Ashby
hmm, sorry again
I know I need to update more..sorry, took sick leave from many things (all but work ><) the past few days...I've been fighting off this nasty cold thing for awhile and I've been really tired all the time so I've been working and sleeping for the most part :P
So Leigh-Anne think's I don't have old man hands...o, but I do my friend, I do :P and I really think I scared them a little while working in the kitchen...cool..:P
Demon Hunter RoX! Check them out at demonhunter.net
hmm, thats about it for me..I'll try to write more interesting stuff once I'm totaly away from this sickness lol, peace
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Its Been Awhile
...sorry everyone, its been awhile...
so much on my mind, so much to think about, so much to do.
Thanksgiving was great..though I seemed so detached from everything...maybe because I was soo tired. I just seem so tired all the time, I think I may be getting sick..though I dunno yet, right now I'm just always tired and I have a dry thro...umm...I'm not even going to attempt to spell it cause its not going to come our pretty :P
So the last few nights I haven't been online bearly at all...not even to check email or Blogs/Xangas...I just took a break from it for awhile...sorry to those who have missed me (most importantly LA...) I just needed to get away from the internet for awhile.
So I wen't to a pub last night, it was actually alot of fun..though I'm not the social type alot of the time it was enjoyable. I guess one of Andria's friends was playing and I was told there would be some good celtic music playing last night...and I wasn't let down one bit. The peeps where really good, I loved it. And I love having friends that know and respect the fact that I don't drink...you know when you have this feeling that your going to be looked down on for who you are and what you beleve? Not that I mind at all really, but it feels good when people have at very least an honest respect for who you are. I talk to alot of unbelevers who feel as though we as Christians have no respect for others beliefs...I think its so much better and in line with Christ's teachings to point them in the right direction, to tell them the truth and let them make there own decisions...though if they take the wrong road its hard for sure, but in life we make our decisions...we choose life or death...tell them the truth, and those who seek life will find it in Him. Lord I seek life, be my life.
random thoughts I know lol...I've had the chance to get out a little bit and explore this great city of ours...gosh I love being Canadian...I love it so much....wow. How amazingly blessed I was to be born in such a great place...praise God.
anywho, peace out. (p.s. LA, I should be on tonight)
Monday, October 11, 2004
Life after the HA...the update
its hard to think that its still going on and I'm not there...I caught myself choked up when I saw Erik's pictures from ESOAL...I wanted to be there so bad, I wan't to be there so bad...as if I left a peice of myself behind when I left Texas I feel somewhat empty here...
now, I'm not going to go on about how much lifestinks here because its anything but that...I love being back home and though works keeps me pretty busy the people are cool and I don't mind it...its just...I still feel as though I'm supposed to be there..something inside of me is eating away at me longing to go back to Texas...back to the HA...
I'm torn between two worlds and the longer I'm away from there the more I feel as though it never happened as though it was nothing but a dream...then I talk to Brett on the phone and life is still going on as normal there and my heart...sinks...the caf is still full and and K-Crew is still surving, Mr. Hasz is still teaching and ESOAL is still tairing people apart...core meetings are still happening and ATF is still traviling...
and I feel so cut off from it...
I went through Gideon's cause I felt as though God wanted me too and I still hold firm to that...I learned alot and I was pushed so hard...I remember asking Brett to sponcer me that night...that man is always so intence about everything lol... I remember Broken Unity...all of them made it but me... why did I have to wait I find myself asking all the time...even when I know the answers...
Denver writes me all the time, that guy rocks...but I can't bring myself to talk to him back...I told everyone I would be back in January but now...what? I was so sure, I was so confident in what God had planned but now I'm so lost. I was going to be a CA...that was fact, but now that seems so much like fiction...Mr. Stoner emailed me, said there won't be any open CA positions until at very least Aug 2005...
until then Lord I wait to see whats next..I'm blind and cannot see Lord make the blind see your light!
I remember on the ride to the airport...just after I finished the road...just Brett and I. He told me I was on the waiting list...for a moment my heart sank quite a bit, then I remembered that the Lord would do as He wished and I would love it :D and the waiting list taough me so much...but then person after person got pulled off the list...until I was the last one, and graduation came closer...then fell behind me and I came home still on that list...and now I sit still on that list...the last...the one. Feels so alone here sometimes...
Lord what am I supposed to do, was I supposed to do more? What about Passion?! WHY PASSION?? Passion... that name bleeds into my heart and pumps though my vains as one day a core will burn in that very name...but when...
Passion...
I remember the road...I pushed so hard for them...for them, it wasn't for me it was for them..I'd do it all over again for them too...a hundred times over I would if it where the Lords will just too see Passion burn in the hearts and eyes of a few good men...a passion for our Lord...
one day...
a vision will not be left unseen...
one day...
until then, Broken Unity and the other CAs...keep it up, you guys and gals are the chosen ones to lift the bricks high...
...I'm forever lost in the fantasy of forever...maybe this is my forever...forever waiting for vision and reality to collide....for passion and vision to be one in the same...for God too move...
I will wait forever if that is what I have to do...but I will not stand still...
Forever in the fantasy of forever.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
The World of Vana'diel pt. 2
What is this world too you?
I can be the warrior that burns deep inside in Vana'diel...
...but I can here as well
...Fantasy...
I play a role, a character...I have many, one day I can be Kai, powerful and good..protecter and defender. The next I can be Xan, dark...angry full of rage and full of power...
all characters I have made up...all part of a grand illusion...
but can Kai be real? Can the great white warrior become true in my own life?
if this is true, such could also be said for Xan...
What roads to we travil on? Do we know where we are going? What is around the next turn?
Maybe we should check our map more often...
what, you don't have one?
Just ask and I'll give you the only map you'll ever need again.
Its the same one that was gioven to me...
Still stuck Forever in the Fantasy of Forever...
...and loving it...
,Ashby
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Forever in the Fantasy of Forever
we are lost, forever stuck in this fantasy of forever. Holding tight to our grasp of the eturnal.
We are lost in this fantasy world where real is fake and fake seems so real...how we wish for the fake to be so real in our lives...until the supernatural becomes our reality then that escapes our fantasy and we wish to go back to our now changed fantasy where the supernatural is changed so that its no longer real...we try always to escape what is real even if what is real is good...our fantasy is always better...forever in the fantasy of forever we live trapped by our own made up reality where our friends don't die and our pain is mearly that of a mild flesh wound...we carry ourselves though the world lost in a sea of nothingness where all we see is empty and alone...we wisk ourselves away to our magical place when the supernatural wonders of reality just don't compete...
Forever lost in the fantasy of forever, until forever is cut shory by our own mortality and we see with our own eyes the gates of hell and then we wonder why....why we waisted our exsistance lost in our fantasy...
Jesus is my fantasy...lost in the fantasy of forever I am...Jesus is my reality...lost in the reality of forever I am...my fantasy will never stop, even when my own mortality causes this body to stop....the fantasy will continue...
what is your fantasy? what is your reality?
Forever...in the fantasy of forever...
Sunday, October 03, 2004
The World of Vana'diel
What is reality?
So often we take fantasy and wish so much for that to be our reality...
...The final fantasy of which our dreams partake in seems too good to be true
our real lives can seem so basic so plain that fantasy filles that longing for something more...
...are you happy with your reality?
or are you hiding from it?...
...have you found love?
or only found life?
What is your reality? Your reality is wherever you are...real. Why can't you be real in the flesh? Are you real Nyph? Who is real, who are you? Why do you run away from your past my friend, why do you let these feeling hunt you so? Tell me my friend for I only wish to be that, in whatever world is real too you let me be your friend...
We all have our pasts my friend...and some of us have felt loss as you have, but you will never outrun the memory, you can never hide far enough into the depths of Van'diel far enough to escape that longing for something more...
In this world, we are who we are, in that...we can be who we want. The question would then have to be...how can you be what you want in this world? First, I would think...you have to find what it is you want...
My friend, I see you...I see past what you wish us too see, what you don't want us too understand I only wish too see...
My friend let me be just that...
A friend.
As Xan and Nyph adventure in another world...
Lets find your adventure in this...
Lets take you out of hiding and see what this world can toss your way
Your Friend,
Ashby
One month later.
One month ago I started a venture into the unknown with a very special person in my life...waking this very strange path together we have grown together, closer. Now much more then just brother and sister the further we walk down the path the more God guides our steps...the more the enemy attacks the more we know that we are in the right place at the right time and we continue on together as the Lord continues us on this path.
And I couldn't be happier.
Its all starting to make sence, we have seen why we are so far apart for this time and Gods work in that is so amazing...and really there is so much more I could share but maybe...I'll keep it a fond mystery for now :)
One year building a friendship...one moth building something further...let us see where God takes us shall we?
Lamad Ohana, Selfless and Stolen...Trailer and Alpha...heart and heart
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