it would seem I'm not alone...
so, after the realization that once again I have missed Leigh-Anne or something I decided to take a wonder over to Kristy's blog to see what was upn and she wrote something I have been thinking alot about myself these days...she writes:

"I need something to give my life meaning. Some sort of purpose. Some "thing". Everyone's got a "thing". Rin has writing. Andrea has animation. James... Beverly... well, ok, most people have a "thing". HEALTHY people have a "thing". I DON'T have a "thing".
Drawing depresses me. Writing depresses me. Trying to play the stupid ****ing bass depresses me. Work numbs me (a bit of relief sometimes). I have no ambition to study or work at things. I am listless, exhausted."

Now, though she has a lack of a name for this thing, quite simply its that one thing we do, be it hobby or the realization and use of a gift...it could be anything...what is my "thing"? As my friend has put it?

Andy has Animation, Shawn; like Kristy said is writing...James' thing is computers, Bev's is online commute...Chuck's is useless knowlege (yes thats a thing :P) and me... hmm, this is an intreaging question :P

Kristy's "think" is realism...at least thats what I have seen..though not a "thing" in itself it could develop into a "thing"...

what in the world am I going on about? lol

Change of topic time.

So I hit a snag of sepression last night...I hit it really hard, all at once I was so sick of everything, no money to even call LA then alone go see her, not eating nearly enough...eating the same thing day in and day out when I do eat...not doing much with my life other then work and sleep...everything thing just kinda caved in on me last night and I nearly flipped out

I wanted to flip out so bad...

life ain't so peachy here, I'll be honest woth you peeps...I work a whole lot for very little and I can't afford to go out and do anything with anyon...nor do I have the time to do so.

I often think back to the HA and want to be back there so much...

my fantasy...

then I come back to my sences and ask the question "where has my faith gone? O ye of little faith..." God has it...I'm in a point of solitude..where a hardcore Christian can't been seen for miles..all alone playing lone-ranger Christian when thats the last thing I wanted to do...but here I am, and sometimes I think I'm letting the enemy win in my life and I get fustrated so much with where I am right now, this isn't where I wanted to be..this isn't what I wanted to do...I wanted to go out and change the world NOW! But alas...God's plan is better then my own...once again I stand in awe at its brilliance.

I'll be honest with you..I'm in alot of pain right now, I have taken alot of blows here and the battle wages on...

I feel your prayers, keep them comming, cause sometimes I think thats the only thing that gets me by these days.

Love...its so good.

Leigh-Anne, I'm sorry I missed you again tonight..I'm thinking about you, and missing you alot. I'll try to call you tomorrow if I can before I have to be at work >_< I love you.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart...and love your naighbor as yourself.

Love...

Remember that Ashby, Love.

Much love to yall.

- posted by Kai @ 10/26/2004 01:28:00 a.m.