Life after the HA...the update
its hard to think that its still going on and I'm not there...I caught myself choked up when I saw Erik's pictures from ESOAL...I wanted to be there so bad, I wan't to be there so bad...as if I left a peice of myself behind when I left Texas I feel somewhat empty here...

now, I'm not going to go on about how much lifestinks here because its anything but that...I love being back home and though works keeps me pretty busy the people are cool and I don't mind it...its just...I still feel as though I'm supposed to be there..something inside of me is eating away at me longing to go back to Texas...back to the HA...

I'm torn between two worlds and the longer I'm away from there the more I feel as though it never happened as though it was nothing but a dream...then I talk to Brett on the phone and life is still going on as normal there and my heart...sinks...the caf is still full and and K-Crew is still surving, Mr. Hasz is still teaching and ESOAL is still tairing people apart...core meetings are still happening and ATF is still traviling...

and I feel so cut off from it...

I went through Gideon's cause I felt as though God wanted me too and I still hold firm to that...I learned alot and I was pushed so hard...I remember asking Brett to sponcer me that night...that man is always so intence about everything lol... I remember Broken Unity...all of them made it but me... why did I have to wait I find myself asking all the time...even when I know the answers...

Denver writes me all the time, that guy rocks...but I can't bring myself to talk to him back...I told everyone I would be back in January but now...what? I was so sure, I was so confident in what God had planned but now I'm so lost. I was going to be a CA...that was fact, but now that seems so much like fiction...Mr. Stoner emailed me, said there won't be any open CA positions until at very least Aug 2005...

until then Lord I wait to see whats next..I'm blind and cannot see Lord make the blind see your light!

I remember on the ride to the airport...just after I finished the road...just Brett and I. He told me I was on the waiting list...for a moment my heart sank quite a bit, then I remembered that the Lord would do as He wished and I would love it :D and the waiting list taough me so much...but then person after person got pulled off the list...until I was the last one, and graduation came closer...then fell behind me and I came home still on that list...and now I sit still on that list...the last...the one. Feels so alone here sometimes...

Lord what am I supposed to do, was I supposed to do more? What about Passion?! WHY PASSION?? Passion... that name bleeds into my heart and pumps though my vains as one day a core will burn in that very name...but when...

Passion...

I remember the road...I pushed so hard for them...for them, it wasn't for me it was for them..I'd do it all over again for them too...a hundred times over I would if it where the Lords will just too see Passion burn in the hearts and eyes of a few good men...a passion for our Lord...

one day...

a vision will not be left unseen...

one day...

until then, Broken Unity and the other CAs...keep it up, you guys and gals are the chosen ones to lift the bricks high...

...I'm forever lost in the fantasy of forever...maybe this is my forever...forever waiting for vision and reality to collide....for passion and vision to be one in the same...for God too move...

I will wait forever if that is what I have to do...but I will not stand still...

Forever in the fantasy of forever.

- posted by Kai @ 10/11/2004 09:32:00 p.m.