And then there where titles
lol, k...little post to test the new title thing :) YEY!
- posted by Kai @ 12/27/2003 10:22:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Christmas post time! And there was much rejoicing...

actually, short post cause its after midnight and I have to be up and gone at 7am so lol, yeah. Well, Christmas went well, Christmas day was fun...got lots of coffee lol, thats awsome..watched Finding Nemo and Seabiscut and just had a relaxing day, Boxing day was amusing as well, family actually all got along, odd. Boxing day is the annual Ashby family Christmas gathering...dreaded by most lol. But it went well, and my cousens engagment was announced to the masses...though I have a hard time finding love for that guy Will, I'm happy for them anyway. Hmm, I think this is turning out to be one of my boaring posts...sorry peeps, just not to thrilling tonight I guess.

Its amusing though, you know what they say about train recks? About how you just can't look away? Well, seems thats kindof been the case around my little spot of the net, people actually read my journal lol...probably to see what retard thing I'll say next to drive myself deeper into the pit I have created...I find it almost amusing though, I have more readers now then I ever have...so much for keeping this board for close friends only :P but thats ok...

I return to good ol Texas tomorrow..I'm kinda excited though I kinda wanted to see James and Bev and Chuck one more time before I left...blah. And I still need to talk to a few peeps and see if we can't work out some sort of peace treaty...well, we'll see how that all goes, so yup, I'm all packed up (about double the stuff I came home with :P)

hmm, so I'm lost on who Yokai is, I once thought it was Cheska..but that might not be so..unless she's trying to throw me off but I doubt it...it might be Kane...I just remember the name Yokai from somewhere...its gonna bug be for a while lol.

speeking of, I'm...confused. Yokai, maybe you can help...whoever you are. Since when did this become a riddle-me-this board? Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for fun and games but honestly, eather say things that make sence or just keep it to yourself cause I'm sick of trying to guess what people mean by things...I ain't playing your game bro/sis...whatever. Again I state, I'm not going to come up with my own meanings to what people say...it causes too much ROAR! Ya know? So yeah, if yeah wanna play riddler..or mysterious person on the tag board...sure, just do it somewhere else k? Cool, now that that happyness is delt with..hmm, what else?

well, meh...good to see ya on the Tag Cheska...another loyal reader...hmm, ok..now I'm streching for things to talk about...guess I'll be gone now. Peace

Serving in Faith,
Ashby
- posted by Kai @ 12/27/2003 10:07:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
"You claim there is no hope... Yet I see you still try... For how can there be no hope for something you claim to be called to do?"
"Life just seems endless, mind numbing, and hurtful. Therefore, I focus all that onto one person."

ok Yokai, I just didn't want to have to split this up into little chuncks on the tag board again :) I won't ask for your name cause I'm sure I already know who it is and you won't give it to me anyway, thats ok..I mostly was wondering if you could elaborate on these two things you said...cause I'm kindof lacking in understanding :P anywho thanks.

Christmas Post to come after Boxing Day, be prepared :P
- posted by Kai @ 12/26/2003 07:36:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
well, I have totaly missed doing THAT! :D really, it was so much fun, just sitting up playing board games till 5 in the morning with friends. It was awsome :) yup, and hero's quest is a pretty fun game too...never played that one before. if you like paper and pen rpgs and board games...and like both of those very simple then this is the game for you :) Yup, I was the wizard...I think my name preceads me as the magic user in all games now lol...thats kinda amusing. Anywho I'm off
- posted by Kai @ 12/22/2003 11:22:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Originaly posted on lamadohana.com

lol, well..until Erik sets up that journal idea I pitched to him, I decided to take Brents lead and start my own little thred on here.

I guess what I want to talk about today is...seperation.

I have heard it talked about ever since getting to the H.A. how we are set aside, consicratred for the Lord, set away from the world. But really you don't totaly grasp that concept untill your right back where you started sitting amongst "friends" looking around the room trying to figure out whats so differant about the entire situation. Nothing has changed, one is wikken, the other cusses slightly but not TOO bad, then your best friend who lead you to Christ and his girlfriend...and you look around the room straining your brain trying to figure out why you feel so seperated from the only friends you have ever had... these few individuals that have shaped and molded who you are all though your high school life and then some...now it all seems to, odd... you look hard and can't see anything differant...its odd. You look to a few things, maybe its the fact your single now, maybe its the fact that James has a job, maybe its Krysty living with Adam...no, things like that wouldn't give you this feeling of seperation. What is it?

Then as your sitting all alone at home you realize what it is...even when you left your life behind to follow God's will for your life, even if you had left everything behind...thats exactly what you did...you left that behind, and now you try to step back into the boots and you realise that now its a size to small...your comfort zone has been rattled and your no longer at home amongst some of these people.

You also start to realise that your conversations with some people are much more..interesting, you start to get an understanding of the person you thought you knew the best...you and your best friend start talking and you start to see that he has a brain up there and o my gosh he is using it...you are pleased.

but as you sit alone at your old desk, where you had once spent almost every waking hour...you look to the screens of the computer and its suddenly so empty...

so this is what it means to be set aside...

you talk to your brother about his relationship with his father and you tell him to get an education...your shocked at yourself at the wisdom comming from your lips, its not you speeking...but as the words come out you know its truth and as you watch his eyes you see understanding...just slightly but its there...

he came to you because you seemed...changed...

your sitting alone at your old desk and you say a small silant prayer of strangth...then you realize you just prayed...you realize that you have changed...

you let your fingers type words to a person who you put down months ago...they reply and once again you are shocked, it was because you for once acted in kindness...not expecting to be forgiven...

you sit and you think about all the things that you have been through in the past few months, you remember ESOAL, you remember the core meetings and the classes...the chats with shift leaders and the runins with the RD, you remember church and then you remember that one weekend that changed your life more then anyother...you remember those three days of no food and hunger, but more importantly you remember the time with the Lord, you remember what He told you in that moment when you where sitting and just listening...writing down everything as He spoke...and you remember that indeed you have been set aside...and that those moments are not over, you still have a long way to go in that place so far away...you still have to much to gain from the people in your core, your CA your ACA, your RD...and everyone else...you have so much to gain...so much to take in and that fire is just ignited even more...because now you really do see what it means to be a "Christ One"...a Christian, a child of God. And you smile.

You smile wider then you think you have ever smiled before as you know that He is with you. and in this time of the year, when you start to remember a time of birth...Christs birth you also remember your birth, your re-birth into this life that God has prepared for you and you think God for this chance to...shine...for this chance to be seperated away from the world, so you can take that step back and see it for what it is and ...do something about it...

you sit back in your chair and look to all the memorys that are locked inside this room and for the first time it doesn't get you down, in fact as you sit there, the memorys flowing like a river..you realise that all you have gone though is just fule for the fire...

its in this life that God has given us, that we can make the biggest impact...will we take the chance? I know I will...
- posted by Kai @ 12/19/2003 08:56:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
you never really realize the emotional impact things have till your back knee deep into your life again. Back taking showers in that old unfinished bathroom again...sleeping in that hard twin-sized bed again...watching movies in Ottawa again...

the simplest things stained with the memorys of nearly five months ago. Its strange. Its strange how you can pick up and leave your life behind, but when you get back its just sitting there like your dog meets you after you get home from work. Even when your life had been so compleatly changed...you get back and its all...the same. Except you get online at night and try to remember how you spent so much time on this thing...then you remember.

I tryed for friendship because in all reality I don't wanna toss that away. Did I go about it wrong, yeah. Am I a big dumb retard...heck yeah, but maybe this is how its supposed to go. Maybe we're just not supposed to be friends from this point on...I mean, could I have said the right thing to her? maybe...who knows, whatever really. I miss the talks for sure, but that will pass. In the end I care for her yes, and thats why I must press on...thought we did have an amazing friendship before all this,

the mistakes in life lead to many things...most of all they lead to lessons in life...maybe this time I'll learn the lesson instead of making the mistake over and over again.
- posted by Kai @ 12/19/2003 12:47:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Everyone is up in my face
Need to get outta this place
Its hard to see with you in front of my face
Just another perfect day
Acting like they wanna talk to me
So fake yet so friendly
My eyes can see even the back of me
Wont you just let me be

Cause everyone is falling away
Feel like they’re stolen from me
Wish everything didn’t happen to me
All I want is faith, love, and happiness
Every time one runs away another’s returning
I wish everyone could just see your face
Faith love & happiness

It seems everyone is up in my space
Like it’s the American way
I run in case somebody takes my place
Just another change of pace
I know you think
You know a lot about me
But so many wanna doubt me
My eyes can see even the back of me
Wont you just le me be

Every which way I turn
I’ve got the option of a million choices
Every single word I say
Is judged by a million critics
Every which way you turn
You hear the sound of a million voices
Every single move you make
Is torn by a million cynics
When will we all see the light of day
I don’t know
- posted by Kai @ 12/17/2003 07:37:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
, well Katgoyles be warnd, it has spilt into the emails now...

anywho, I'm home now :) back on the ol beast I love to call my own. in my own room just taking it all in. Its odd to say the least, like everything is just as I left it..everything is the same..yet there is a new aspect, something is not quite the same....and the more I look into it I realize its me. I'm just off the spectrem of the rest of the world, I feel as if I'm just looking at everything from afar, not really apart of the world, just a spectator seeing the many areas that I ran to for comfort or entertanment now with a sick sence in the pit of my soul. I look to my bed and though is casts memorys...those memorys only make me want to get closer to got because I never want to fall into the sin that took place in that very spot ever again. I look to all the many things in my life that where left behind when I went to Texas with a new eye.

Now I see who I am in here amongst the world, truly we are the consicrated. The set aside, and as I sit back and watch the world around me lies are whispered into my ear but I turn away, and as I reach into this world now I try so hard to be that light...to be the example of Honor that I have been tought how to be, and no my year is not up and I still have much to learn...and learning doesn't end after the year is over but as I sit and look around at this, my old life...I look once again to the plan that God has for this life...all the wonderful things he has done and all the wonderful things he will do with this, what used to be such a broken life. Its going to be harder then I thought...much much harder then I ever dreamed but God gives the strangth to overcome everything. I just have to take what He gives and use it.

I'm home, for these next two weeks I am home, and indeed home is where the heart is...my heart cries out for this place right here, these people...this spot, this country that needs more then just the fakeness that is the enimy's lie of non-dependence in God, for we have nothing and are nothing without our Creator who made us everything we are.
- posted by Kai @ 12/15/2003 10:04:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Semper Honorablus
Always Honorble

ITS OVER!!! lol, yup...this exam week is over and I rejoice! lol actually it went well I'm happy, I can go home confedent that I'm doing well. :D And speeking of going home I'M GOING HOME SOON!!! YEY! Yeah I'm excited...duh I just...wow, yeah I just wanna go home and sit and well, not do much of anything.

My story is comming along..its really cool, there are alot of people who want the first copy of it lol..I have already promised the first copy to Bev seeing as its her story that sprouted the idea lol. No I'm not really expecting to have this story get big, I just wou ld like it to be well written and something I can be proud of :)

I had thingsto say but...uh...I forgot...

ITS OVER!
- posted by Kai @ 12/11/2003 09:13:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Red Dark as Night: War Cries

-Prelude-

“This land is a land of peace, nothing could ever break that peace for if evil ever broke out into this world, I fear it would never cease and last forever. Praise be to the Mother who has given us everything including this beautiful peace that we bask in everyday. The evil one has been defeated forever because she has loved us.” – King Namar Ling’kin III 12as

Twelve years after the salvation of the two kingdoms was promised by the mother though the angles declaration over the land…peace has finally come apon the world known as Kiateth. There was a great sense of victory all over as the two kingdoms of man rejoiced and celebrated. For the enemy had been stopped in his evil tracks…but it would seem, that he still learked in the shadows somewhere…for after the 12th year darkness fell over the two kingdoms once again. This is the tale of the two kingdoms…and the fall into an almost eternal darkness. This, is the story of Kiateth.

***

The Castle to the kingdom of Ling’kin was vast, its two tall white pillars leading into the main gates where as high as any man could see. Nobody remembers the days when the castle was built, no man has records from back in the day before time when the castles came down from the heavens, but all know that indeed this building was the work of the Mother herself, its tall pillars marked the entrance to the even taller gate that led inside. Inside there was a grand staircase leading to a large doorway high above.
“She has arrived,” The solder hit his partner before forming up and standing prone as a woman passed though the large doors under heavy escort.
“Isn’t that the second time this week?” The other whispered to the first as he scrambled to his position.
The first solder smiled as the escorting party and the woman left thought the gate, “Rumor has it that his majesty has taken a liking to her…”

King Namar Ling’kin III sat on his throne in deep thought, his muscular build slouched over in his seat. He has still not gotten used to the throne…even after twelve years he couldn’t sit still, he was a warrior, the sword has been his life up until his father had been taken by the Mother and he was to take over the kingdom at the age of 25.
“How can she be so beautiful…so lovely, so perfect?” The Kings aide offered no response to the questions offered to him by his highness, “alas, you will see one day she will sit here as my queen. One day all will see her perfection sitting in her perfect throne.”
Indeed Namar was taken by this woman, her long blonde hair flowed in his dreams and her smile sweetened his thoughts.

“Some say his majesty isn’t the only one.” The larger of the two guards said as they watched the woman and her escort move on down the road past the gate where they stood. “Rumor has it she has stolen the heart of J’hndor as well.”
“You’re a fool, aye she’s a beautiful woman but to have the heart of both Kings of Kiateth is absurd.”

Nobody knew the heart of the woman, but soon everyone knew the heart of the king. King Lamand J’hndor who sat in the twin castle to that of the kingdom of Ling’kin thousands of miles away watched as the woman left his sight followed by her escort. This young king watched with passion as his love left the castle.
“She is the perfect woman, in every way she is perfect. The perfect woman to make my queen.” The kings aide nodded and smiled…finaly Lamand had found love.
Indeed he had for her words where like a sweet violin to his ears and her eyes where liked pearls to his.

Word soon spread throughout the two kingdoms of man, throughout J’hndor and Ling’kin that the kings had found there love. But there was deception in the air and soon both kings knew of the others love for the same woman.
“It would seem we have a problem my good friend.” Namar set his fork on his plate unwilling to finish the meal in front of him as he looked into the eyes of Lamand, “but this one woman cannot tare our unity apart so I say she can go with you.”
“Namar are you sure, I could never unless it had your true blessing.”
“Indeed it does, our friendship and our kingdoms are far more important then the emotions of this heart.” Namar looked to his friend across the long table, holding back the pain from his voice.
Lamand was filled with joy, “she must have told Namar she wanted to be with me…” he thought to himself as the words of thanks never slipped out of his mouth, instead he lowered his eyes in respect, “May the mother bless the sacrifice you have made today for your kingdom as well as mine, I will never forget this my friend.”

There was rain the night the woman traveled to the castle at the center of the kingdom of J’hndor, some call the rains of Kiateth the “Tears of the Mother”. The woman’s beauty never left her that night, even as she lay in the muddy path, her escort laying with her, her favorite color now the color that marked there fate as blood trickled from there still bodys.

Lamand watched from his window of his room for his lovely to come, the rain poured harder then it ever had and he feared she would catch cold being out there during the Mothers weeping. Lamand called for his best men to meet up with her and make sure she was warm and safe as she made her way into his waiting arms.

“You…” Lamand couldn’t get the words out, there was so much he wanted to say to him, so much he wanted to do to him but the only thing he could get out was the one word, “you…”
“Lamand, it was thieves. You know it was, look at the evidence! Why are you so blinded?” Namar looked into the eyes of his friend and saw the hurt, the anger, the rage inside as he stood there behind royal guard.
“You…you think I don’t know what you did?! You think you can sit back and blame thieves for your crimes?!? You murderous bastard you killed her! You couldn’t have her so you KILLED HER!! Well we’ll see who has the final say in this…WE’LL SEE who is the next to die, might the Mother so help me I will take your kingdom from you…everything you are from you just before I take your life with my own hands…” Lamand burned his words deep into Namar before he exited the Ling’kin castle. Nemar stood unable to move as war was just declared against him by his best friend. After he had given up his love to him for the sake of peace…now she was dead and so was the peace. There where no words to express the emotion, no poet could write the words in his heart at that moment. The native tongue of his soul was left speechless.
The silence was broken by Namar’s aide “Truly we’re not going to…”
“Defend our home? Indeed we are, prepare the men…”

Chapter 1


Broadswords clashed together as the two men breathed hard for they had been fighting for a good hour now. The men continued to clash swords over and over, never getting a clear shot. The clangs of the swords where only matched by the sounds of annoyance and anger rising in both men. Around them the same scene could been seen all over the battlefield of the Fethos plains. The sight of thousands of men in heavy armor and swinging there broadswords high against another. Neither side ever taking hold of victory…
“End this! We don’t have to fight this war anymore…do we even know why we fight?” The son of King Namar Ling’kin VII peered into his fathers eyes. “Why must you continue this useless fight father?”
“We fight because the invasion never stops…we fight because our homes are ravaged everyday by those savages, our crops burnt down everyday. The gates of this kingdom are held up by the weight of our blade. If we lay that down then the efforts of my father and his father and his fathers father have all been in vane. We are the…”

“Victims, the enemy will never give up there fight to rule over us. We can only hold our ground and fight on. The only path to peace is in the destruction of the Ling’kin forces.” Xaios J’hndor smiled as he looked over his troops gathered just within the city gates of Kieck, the largest city in the kingdom of J’hndor. “Men we will not rest! We will defend our very right to live and we will see victory over the enemy!” The crowds cheered as Xaios raised his golden sword to the heavens. “The Mother lied to us and left us to die! But we rise up and realize that the powers of a god could not even put us under!”

“The Mother lied when she promised peace and even as she tried to destroy us we push on more powerful then ever…not allowing her to control our fates as we move beyond her jurisdiction. This war will end my son, once Xaios and his kingdom are burned to the ground and we show the Mother she was wrong to test us so harshly.” Nemar was not unlike his father, infact he still held the same passion as his forefathers, the Nemars before him. His passion was the J’hndor’s destruction, as well as his revenge on the Mother herself.

The world had not seen a peaceful day since war was declared back in the old kingdom. Many years have passed and many generations have died at the hands of the great war. No man had been saved, no person had an excuse not to fight unless they where a child or woman. All men fought, and all men died for the sake of the advancement of the kingdom for which they fought. Everyone grew up with the hatred, the passion against the other kingdom. Grew up hearing the stories of how the other kingdom waged this war, and how the one kingdom would one day rule over all of Kiateth.
But nobody ever remembered why…why the war started.

“You blame the mother for the war we fight, the books all say the mother is to blame for this, that after she promised the great peace she came down and pitted man against man…if this is true wouldn’t ending the war be going against the mother? Wouldn’t ending the hate and the death mean rising up past the mother?”
Namar looked slightly annoyed but kept his tone in check with his son, “The mother pitted the enemy against us to destroy us child…as we wage against the J’hndor and win victory over the evil that is in that kingdom. The mother will be stopped in her tracks and this kingdom will rise above the gods and we will create our one peace, as the mother creates pain.”

The clangs of swords and the screams of pain where always heard in the distance. Always did the cries of war shake the very earth. Kiateth was death as the stains of blood covered her soil. The whole world battled, all wanted war and all fought with pride except for one child.

“Father you are blinded by your fathers blindness. You only see the hate, this whole world is blinded by hatred. You are as adolescent as you are full of yourself!”
“Xan I will not be talked to by…”
“By who? The first son of J’hndor to not carry on his fathers name in 7 GENERATIONS?! My name was given to me by your enemy you fool! I will have nothing to do with your war any longer. You have your war, you take your pride and fill it to the brim but I will not help you when you fall.” The 22 year old Xan D’han J’hndor took the back of his hand and slapped his father across the face before walking away.
The royal guard looked to the king for orders but he just shook his head, “let the boy go, he follows his own path and indeed he will live his life as he sees fit.”
Xan exited the castle gates, tears gathering in his eyes as he looked to the many paths that led away from his home. He heard the battles waging in every direction and he grew even more angry. He picked up a stone and tossed it into the air in rage screaming out to the nothingness that was now his life. Then suddenly, as the stone dropped to the ground he looked to one of the paths. This path was hardly marked and was grown over. Nobody had gone into this path for many years. The sign read “Forest of Sembos” Xan looked over the sign he had seen a hundred times in his life with a new fascination. He remembered his father telling him the old stories of Sembos, and the meaning of the word in the old tongue being “Mother’s Death”. The path called his name, the sweet whisper of the wind pushed him down the forbidden path that led to certain death. Xan headed deep into the Forest of Sembos.

- posted by Kai @ 12/09/2003 10:58:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Indeed it has deen done.

Doubt has been rising in my mind if I really had done the right thing when it came to Lexi. Breaking off communication and such. So the otherday I un-blocked her and got her back on my msn list...and spoke of friendship. She doesn't want that, as I knew how it was going to go from the beginning all she could talk about was our relationship...me giving up on love. I know her feeling haven't expected them to this soon, but I had hopped she had delt with the fat that no I'm not runing back into her arms when things get a little hard..not putting my tale between my legs and running back into my comfort zone where everything is all nice and whatever.

I offered frienship, and even she said that we had a good friendship before the relationship...when I asked if we could have something like that again she tosses the question "do you still love me?" and the convo never really talked about a friendship again...I've always beleved in friendship before love could equal friendhip after love. Maybe in this instance I'm wrong...but eather way she's not ready. I see this now, all me talking to her did was stirr up emotions to the surface. I remember now why I broke off communication...cause everytime I talk with her it will be the same onvo over and over. The same onvo I've been having with people sine this all started..the same convo I said I would not have again with the people who refuse to understand. And people will tell me I just don't understand, thats its my ignorance that is making this harder then it has to be, that its my ignorance to everything that sways how I react to things...what ever, I won't be a victum of this double jeprody anymore. you have stated your case against me and I have stated my case and we where done with it...now the same case is placed one again on my head but no, I won't go though the same case again...I know alot of you are as sick of hearing about this situation as I am about writing about it. Especially since I have said over and over I wouldn't...

is it over? In my eyes yes, I took the question of friendship to ears that would not hear and thats ok...I'll be here with outstreched arms of friendship to any and all who will come but romance is not in my life right now, and the woman I will marry...her face remains a mystery to me but her faith in God is no secret. The Lexi situation, that chapter in my life I put to close right now, no longer will I speak about her, to her or anything of the sort..I leave it in Gods hands. If the day comes when Lexi wishes to be friends I'll be here but right now that hapter in my life I put to a close. This time I mean it, no more giving in and pleading my ase to ears that will not hear. If I offend some people with these words then well, whatever..be offended. It is not my intent to offend but if you are so easly offended that you will not hear my heart in this then I cannot change that nor will I try anymore.

Thus marks the final postings on this subject. Just one final thought before this closes. I know you think I'm running away from everything instead of staying and pushing forward...there is nothing to gain from continuing on...even a criminal..even someone charged with murder cannot be tried twice for the same crime...where is my peace cept the peace I force apon myself through my seperation from this friutless battle.

I leave you all with that. Peace.

Serving in Faith,
Chris
- posted by Kai @ 12/08/2003 05:06:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
so, as I wait for my study partner to arrive...or my studt guide to arrive via email...whatever comes first :P lets blog shall we? As most of you know, I'm in a class called The Spritual Leader Within, this first semester we have been looking at the aspect of worldview...and studying the idea outlined in the very good bood entitled "How Now Shall we Live" by Charles Colson.

its truly something all Christians should have an understanding of...worldview.

hehe, but enough of that..I have half the boof to make sure I know for this final comming up in a few days AHH!! lol well, its cool...I enjoy this class. Its awsome :)

well, I should get into studying...peace.

P.S. If ya wanna check out my rough notes and study guides I have them posted @ hanotes.blogspot.com

peace.

- posted by Kai @ 12/06/2003 08:01:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
hehehe, well...it seems that this blog couldn't really be kept in the dark as I had hoped, I expected as much but thats ok...really Ihave nothing to hide...and it would seem the original reason failed so here we are.

I wanted to talk today about a movie that will be comming out in febuary..."The Passion" or, I think the name is now "The Passion of Jesus Christ" or something to that affect. Its being releced by Icon productions so go to there website if you want to know more about this. I'm not really alowd to say much about the movie...because I had the very very limited change to see a screening of the movie. Let me just tell you this, its hard to watch but it'll open your eyes to who Christ really was. There wasn't a single dry eye in the place as we watched it...its very powerful and I hope you all go see it.

The past few days have been hard, between some of my new friends leaving the HA to things with Lexi and Cheska sneeking back onto the front page of my life to, lol seeing that movie the past few days have been emotional at best. If Lexi and Ches still feel things from me they felt the pain yesterday as I hurd that one of my core-mates is leaving. But really, whats done is done and he's making the right choice I think. I just hope we don't lose contact with him.

Today is just a day to randomly post random thoughts, as a journal should be...to often I'd end up using my blog to post a responce to another blog, or to what others would say when this is supposed to by a journal...thats one of the big reasons why I started this one and got rid of the other one, there was to much back and forth, to much fustration building. But I just want to say something real quick...

Cheska, I'm sorry, I was angry as I know you where and didn't mean to hurt you...that was never my intention and I just pray that we can somehow work things out. Lexi is right, we're always at eachothers necks..always finding something the other said and twisting it and just feeding off the other. I was in the wrong in saying the things I said and I do hope that..in time you can forgive me. beleve it or not Cheska I still think of you as a friend, and you being there for Lexi during this time is awsome and I think you for being that friend for her in this time where I cannot be there. Please try to understand me Ches that at times I speak out of anger as do we all, that does not excuse what I said but we can work things out...

at times when I'm in the middle of anger and sin, I think I know what I'm saying is right...and it may be but the heart behind the words is what catches people more then the words themselves...the heart behind the truth is where the real truth lies...I've been trying to show that I care for those people who are..or at least used to be a huge part of my life but I've been using those words of caring and love in an emotion of fustration and bitterness...and I wonder why people sometimes cannot hear the words I speak...because they can't see past the emotion behind the words...as they shouldn't...love is the base for this entire thing...love is the foundation of life and if I try to speek words of love and life under the emotion of fustration and bitterness then I'm a walking contradiction.

After watching that movie last night...seeing in a very real...very dramatic way..the love Jesus had for us...it makes you think, are we truly showing love to others? are we truly loving others or just using the words of love but never really showing it?

"Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions. It is by our actions that we know we are living in the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before the Lord, even if our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."

This scripture has taken new meaning in my life as I see God's love for us...if I just had a fraction of that love how could I ever cause anyone pain again? Yes, the world may hate me for who I am, for my faith as scripture says...but my friends shouldn't hate me..and if they do I should find out what I'm doing wrong and correct it..for if they hate me, there is a lack of love somewhere...and I should probably look at myself before pointing the finger at others.

1 John 4:7-21
Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God--for God is love.
God showed how much he loved us by sending his only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love has been brought to full expression through us.
And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who proclaim that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in him.
God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world.
Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us. We love each other as a result of his loving us first.
If someone says, "I love God," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen? And God himself has commanded that we must love not only him but our Christian brothers and sisters, too.
- posted by Kai @ 12/05/2003 09:00:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
"Then you will be arrested, persecuted, and killed. You will be hated all over the world because of your allegiance to me.
Matt 24:9

"When the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you.
John 15:18

The world would love you if you belonged to it, but you don't. I chose you to come out of the world, and so it hates you.
John 15:19

The people of the world will hate you because you belong to me, for they don't know God who sent me.
John 15:21

I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not.
John 17:14

So don't be surprised, dear brothers and sisters, if the world hates you.
1 John 3:13

Well, that clears up that aspect of things...Prayer leads to understanding as it seems :P
- posted by Kai @ 12/03/2003 11:24:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
My post today is a passage of scripture, my reading for this mourning that I wanted to share with you all, i love it :)

1 John 3:7-24 (NLT)
Dear children, don't let anyone deceive you about this: When people do what is right, it is because they are righteous, even as Christ is righteous. But when people keep on sinning, it shows they belong to the Devil, who has been sinning since the beginning. But the Son of God came to destroy these works of the Devil. Those who have been born into God's family do not sin, because God's life is in them. So they can't keep on sinning, because they have been born of God. So now we can tell who are children of God and who are children of the Devil. Anyone who does not obey God's commands and does not love other Christians does not belong to God.

This is the message we have heard from the beginning: We should love one another. We must not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and killed his brother. And why did he kill him? Because Cain had been doing what was evil, and his brother had been doing what was right. So don't be surprised, dear brothers and sisters, if the world hates you.
If we love our Christian brothers and sisters, it proves that we have passed from death to eternal life. But a person who has no love is still dead. Anyone who hates another Christian is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don't have eternal life within them. We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters. But if anyone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need and refuses to help--how can God's love be in that person?
Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions. It is by our actions that we know we are living in the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before the Lord, even if our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
Dear friends, if our conscience is clear, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive whatever we request because we obey him and do the things that please him. And this is his commandment: We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us. Those who obey God's commandments live in fellowship with him, and he with them. And we know he lives in us because the Holy Spirit lives in us.


- posted by Kai @ 12/03/2003 04:46:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Its interesting, as I have so much to say sometimes yet do not have the words to fully express myself in the way that I truly wish to be hurd. As I learn these things I look to all those who I know and my heart cries out for those who don't know Christ, that stand up against God becuase of the bad things in there lives. I just have alot to pour out, alot that God had placed on my heart that needs to be said and this can't be the only form of releace...I have to get out and share it in person to truly speak in faith and to share this passion and light others in the passion as well.

Am I making sence? Probably not, just one of those days I don't really care what I write as long as I get things out on the screen. People rely don't understand how excited I am to come home, even for only a few weeks..not only to once again be with friends and family but also to share some of the wisdom of God with others, plant the seed of wisdom in the hearts of those who want to seek Him more. Speaking as a person that fell away from God so far only a few months back and looking at what God has done in this life and seeing what He has done in the lives of others and knowing He wants to work in the hearts of everyone to allow them to see past the religion of Christianity and to see the relationship of being a follower...a deciple of the living God, Jesus Christ

well, to cut a long story short, I'm excited :) well, gtg, peace.

Serving in Faith
,Chris
- posted by Kai @ 12/01/2003 08:10:00 a.m. (0) comments