Back in 1999
wow, I just found some old journal entrys in an old binder of mine from back in '99
ah, this is so amusing to read now....so much has changed since then...I'm not the same person anymore...

Oct. 21

Its Thursday, and we have a supply!!! WOOO! HOOO! The 'teach' is gone!
Yesterday, I found my self making up a song, just singing while getting ready in the mourning, but once I got to school I forgot it all, 'darn'. So during MSKIP I made up another one, 'man', was it ever depressing! It was about how when I first met Kristy I liked her but to afraid to ask her out. And how it is too late now. Why am I so weard, messed up in the head, instead of trying to get over her, I write songs, 'man'!

wow huh? The heavy censoring alone shows you the difference.

Its interesting to look into the past and see how have you have changed, grown...giving God the glory for sure :) ah the days way back when...

Apr. 12

I am so worried about Kristy right now. She and Adam are no more, Adam put his hand through a wall, then hiched to Ottawa. I guess he is back now but I don't know how he is doing, but Kristy is really doing bad. She has moved lockers and it looked like she was crying this mourning.
In other news, I am passing most of my courses...(all but math)...I have started a story

Apr. 18

Hello and Welcome to the World of Mega!
To continue with what I was saying on the 12th...I have started a story called "The Elders Challenge" It is comming along very good. I have introduced a new annual summer thing a few months ago. I started a Fighting Tournament. It will be in the summer, to let people train. I have been training hard lately and have become a very strong fighter! Ryon is a waste of my time anymore since he is no longer a challenge for me...in fact, I have been putting all my training to finding out how to beat Adam and Lance...that will be the real test for me.
AHHHHHH!!!! yet another report card day has come. But I am getting a 88 in Programming I think, a 74 in english, a 67 in hist. But a 30something in Math. O well, 3 out of 4 ain't bad, but I know I can do so much better then this!!!

Well, I have to go!
Forever the Fight, Forever the Power, Always Mega
Live by the Power, Die by the Sword, Forever in the Fantasy of Forever.

well, enough nastolgic nonsence for one night...have a good one.
- posted by Kai @ 4/29/2004 09:01:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Upset
ok yeah, I got real upset last night...I'm back home could ya tell? I was really looking forward to just spending some time hanging out with mom last night in town, thats all I really wanted to do...but last minit things change and people show up to ruin it...ug, I get harped on for spending some time with friends now when I'm here and REALLY want to spend some time with family they push me off...I don't know, is it the fact I have been living in Texas away from this that I forgot to be used to stuff like this? It is now wed. I'm home alone and blah, my folks are comming home at lunch to spend the hour (not quite) with me. Grateful I won't be all alone for that hour but I feel as though I could be doing something, I could be helping in the kitchen, could be making sure things in my room are a-ok could be doing so much to take care of things back in TX but I came home cause I missed home and wanted to see people, and had lots to do...

I dunno, I went to bed real early last night...I just got real upset...probably over-so meh.
- posted by Kai @ 4/28/2004 08:20:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
So I hate my family...
ug, I now have seen first hand how my words on here get twisted...my mom took one look at my board and the first words out of her mouth are "so you hate your family" ARRRG!!! NO!! I hate TV because it fills all our time, did I say anything about hating my family? No, interesting how quick emotion will twist the words written into something totaly off...

so anyway, I'm not going to get into it about that, cause that has been a huge thing talked about with many posts.

For those of you who don't know or haven't noticed, this Journal isn't about what I did that day or whatever, this is just me ranting abuot the things thoughts and emotions of the moment. Nothing more nothing less, if you walked up to me on the street don't expect the person you think you see on this little journal, I'm in fact a very nice positive person :)

I don't really know where I'm going with this..

so, I noticed how turned of Chris is to even the mention of Christianity, Mel had questions, VERY good questions too, and as we where talking Chris got very quiet and really didn't want to hear what was being said...he's so...angry with God...I wish we could just talk, I kinda wish he wouldn't hold it in...even if he where to just explode last night about how God ruined his life or whatever, that would have been a start...something...we could have talked...I dunno...he's in so much pain...

and again I do have to watch my mindset, cause no matter how much I try I can't fix everyones problem, its the Lord, I'm just the vessle...as for Mel, I dunno, I'm praying for planted seeds and thats all I can do...she's starting to ask the right questions, its awsome.

This is what I want to do, to just tell people who this God of ours really is, who Christ really was...I have this relationship with him, I know him why don't I get out and talk about him...its people like Kristy that I love the most, peeps that will love to talk about Jesus, someone who's not all anti-Christian, which it seems most of the world is becomming...so hard to just speek the name Jesus without 10 others lashing out or shying away...then again how much has this really changed from the days Jesus walked the earth? Not much, the same reactions in modernized terms.

When I was talking with Mel it started a thought in my brain...
all throughout our lives we are taught that a thery proven many times to be flawed is in fact truth...its so engraven into our minds that this thing called evolution is truth that people forget the fact that its mearly theroy, and if you actually do your own research...you see how flawed it really is...

tell a child its a dog enough times and it will start to beleve it, even if it really is just a child...

we are told to many things while growing up that are supposed to be true...I grew up on the science aspect, raised to beleve in one thing, it was proven wrong and I was left without anything left to beleve in...do you think I would pick up some random set of belefes without something real to back it up with after a blow to my whole way of living like that?

Find the book "Evidance that demands a verdict" by Josh Mcdowle (sp?) o my goodness...or the book "How now shall we live" by Chuck Colsen (sp?) read these books for your self then make your own decisions people, don't let school or a liftime of being told your something make up your mind for you! There is more to life then meets the eye and you have only been taught the one side....even if you think you know what "religion" is why don't we forget religion for a sec and get back to basics...like where did we come from and why are we here. Ask the questions and don't let your answer be dictated by popular vote...look, find, hunt the truth down and capture it...even if it may be something totaly unexpected find it and live it.

The Truth is Out There...
- posted by Kai @ 4/27/2004 03:24:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Ok, so now I'm going to post...
The blog has been real quite as of late...Amusing, I only see that people read this thing when I sprout some kind of controversy.

anywho, what do I have to talk about today...

The more I look too things in my life here the more I hate it, the more things I see the more disgusted I am to be quite honest...I hate TV and yet I watch it because we as a family do nothing else...I talk to friends about useless things when I really just wanna talk about Jesus...but that would make me odd...the one they fear I am. I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF SURFACE LEVEL FRIENDSHIPS I JUST WANNA SCREAM!!! or more like cry...

because in the end, when you boil it down its my falt for letting it stay where it is...nothing but surface level...a collection of things we have done together as friends and not much more. A collection of emotions and memories and not too much else...because I have always been that surface level guy..now when I want more I can't bring myself to change it becuase we're so...accustumed to the same ol same ol its just natural to talk about the same ol same ol...I'm sick of this world and how useless the things we think are important really are...sick. AND I CAN'T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO SAY ANYTHING!!! I see so much, hurt so much, need so much pray so much plead so much...but in the end when it comes out of my mouth if at all it comes as a joke...what is going on Lord, why can't I be who you want me to be?

Why do we spend so much time on games and TV and stuff to satisfy our "entertanment" and spend no time with you? WHY?!?!?

and why can't I say anything about it?...

why can't I press in? why can't I dive deeper...so many questions, so many...why do we live for ourselves in this world created by you? I see it all over, not a one hasn't been touched by this filth including myself...I try to wash myself but I can't Father CLENSE ME!!

My sister curses so much now and everytime she does it hurts so much, I ask her to stop and I'm laughed at, moked for I once did the same thing...my heart aches for my family o Father...

My friend spends all her time in an online community, playing games more then living life in reality...it hurts me cause she needs more of you, I see it in her questions...I see it in her fustrations Lord my heart pains for her...o Father my heart hurts...

My friend isn't the same with me as he is with other people, he curses with others but not with me, puts on a mask and I don't say a thing LORD!!! I see so much in him he wishes to give but where is his focus?

I'm caught in the myst of very many things, walking the tight rope only wishing to be sitting in the seats watching the show but right now I am the show...Lord is there no one left that seeks you? have we all fallen so far away? Fallen for the worlds lies and deceat?

I'm sitting now in my room, not really wishing to leave for I do in fact fear what I see, Father release me of this fear for it is not of you...I do not wish to fall for the lies, but to follow you and seek you more then anything else...to be that light amongst a world of darkness...Lord send a helper...someone who understands as I do the importance of devotion...I can't do this alone, my fear holds me tight Father...be strong in my weakness Lord...be strong...

I no longer want to be a sunday morning Christian...don't let me slip back into the routeens of this world...

why can't they see the importance?

why can't they look at life with you in mind?

why can't they remember you always?

why can't I be the subtle reminder?

why can't I speak of you?

I want to speak your words all the rest of my days, I want you to fill my mouth as I sing your praises and live for your glory O GOD THERE IS NOTHING WITHOUT YOU!!!

but the world would say otherwise...and many have listened to the sweet suduction of the worlds sweet voice...

and many will say I'm arrigant o Lord don't let that be truth, Father humble me now for all you have done in me was only through grace in which I think you everyday I'm alive...Lord work in them...if nothing else to releave the pain in my heart o God, this might be selfish but please o God, work your wonders even just to releave my pain for their sake...

I sit in my room, a house full of deception, only wishing to escape...just as I feel everytime I'm in this room, in this place. But this is home, where I have been planted...let the seed grow into a frutfull tree Lord. Let it be.
- posted by Kai @ 4/23/2004 09:01:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
I FINALLY FINISHED IT!!!!
I finaly had a chance to sit down with the beat I have for my song "Can you feel it" and I finaly think I have it mostly finished!! YEY!! Here are the lyrics from my second ever completed Rap.

Song: Can You Feel it?
Artist: 318

you know, this amazing joy
I feel it deep down inside
I just sat down and cried, here is my heart for you too see…

I have everything I'll ever need
I just look inside my heart
and as I look inside myself
I see the flames are burning high
higher then the clouds in heaven
and as I look to everything
I see you up there in the sky
the fire of the Lord consumes me
ya, Jesus is everything to me
but now, I'm looken so hard that
maybe I'm blinded by
all those that would stand in my way
like the media there call’n me on
and music these days is
makin me turn the other way
I can't stand to see these people suffer
no more then I could see a dying mother
but it seems that every time I turn around
some guy's look’n to use her for sex
there doing drugs, die hard alcoholics
puts a tear in my eye can you feel it
there is so much there miss’n out on
like the Everlasting Love, the Everlasting Son
but you know that one day, we're gonna win this fight
The Lord my God the One, in all his might
Clashing swords with the enimy, breaking him down
Preparing the way for the army at dawn, with a song
We’re commen full force
Lock your doors, hold on tight here we go.


-c->
Can you feel it?
Can you feel his word? Alright common
Can you feel it?
you know it
<-c-

Lord Father break my heart, tear me down again
Let me see the things that you see as you look too man
The hurt the pain the suffering I need your hand
For if I live for me its all for loss, a loss for them

I want to see, though the eyes of the Lord my God
I want a heart that is broken, cause its my job
To serve the heavenly Kingdom, to advance His name
To serve God, the Creator, the One who came
Down, to give His life, now I’m covered in the blood
I won’t let the sacrifice mean nothing
As I look to love
As I look to love

-c->
Can you feel it?
Can you feel his word? Alright common
Can you feel it?
This is the last bit
<-c-

Now ya knowen, its the 318
Oldschoolen like the Hung Chao Ping
Rememberen the days of old
but we liven, in a new found day
we liven, in a different way
so now I say, get rid of the hate
It’s not time to debate the rate of this decline
Its time for the incline, break the rope
we're gonna frontline with shouts of hope
you know, the 318, Gen 14:14
you'll see what I mean
you'll see what I mean
you'll see what I mean
you'll see what I mean

Amen

- posted by Kai @ 4/23/2004 08:13:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Home sweet home....and the CA that might be
hmm, a long title for a post that most likely won't be that long lol...cause the bed calls my name...hmm, sleepy....so I'll give you the quick story so far...I made it home "O Canada..." and all is well, I am accepted as a CA "YES!!" but on the waiting list "YEY! *blink* yeah...um, YEAH!!" and I'm going into town tomorrow to hook up with some old friends and seeing how life is going for the ones I have lost contact with over the many months...so yeah...short update post to quench your thurst..peace out all.

Love ya all,
Kai.
- posted by Kai @ 4/22/2004 09:02:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
They call it "Grand" for a reason!
Wow isn't really the word that slipped past my lips as we turned the corner and saw the first glimps of what I was about to hike. It was more of a gasp mixed with a "O my gosh I'm going to die..." kinda feeling. Here I am standing at the top of the canyon and we're hiking pretty well straight down for 3 quarters of a mile...more like maybe a full mile, then you see the next mile or so of the hike off in the distance...and the rest of the 10.2 mile hike is unseen. let me tell you something though...its beauty can't be shown on a postcard or TV screen....I mean yeah...rocks and cliffs...until you get too the waterfalls and ...just wow.

And I could go on for hours...but like I said, its something you have to experance for yourself to really understand.

So, getting off that topic for a moment (maybe longer...we'll see) This is the day my friends...the day after I get back from the 30 hour school bus trip from the depths of the hot place lol and this is the day before I head off back to that awful DFW Airport and head home "I'm leaving, on a jet plane..." lol, anywho...I'm really excited...have a bunch to do before I leave tomorrow...as well I still need to hook up with a ride to Dalles ...hmm, blah. I've been so stinken busy these past few weeks Im surprised I still know where my own feet are somtimes *checks* yup, still where I left them...

I need a break people!! lol, tomorrow calls my name....calls me closer and closer and all I want to do is sleep away today and let tomorrow come closer quicker lol...but there is a purpose to everyday and I must live as though today is my last, as everyday we are too live. Um, yup...my brain is still kinda intact! Yey! lol.

So I find out tomorrow...um, perhaps? I eally need to talk to Brett because if I leave for DFW before I find out the road resaults I will flip out! lol, I just wanna know what to fund raise and pray for and whatnot soon...I continue to pray for my Core....for some reason I have been given a great sence of ....um, lost the word but I just know the resault...I will stay. Odd huh? Well, God can do anything he wants so now its up to Him.

yeah, o and btw Denver, I love you bro!! Your words truly spoke to my heart (as usual :P) as well did you speek to my friend Chuck and a fw others I think :) keep letting God speek!

So, lets slow this down and focus on something a bit...hiking that total 20.4 miles in a small group of friends made me think alot of our walk in faith...especially when it comes with who your walking with and just let me go off...during the hike I led our little group in our walk though the grand canyon, the one who set the pace as it where...this had me thinking alot about who sets the pace in our own lives...who do we let set the pace that we follow at....are they going to fast, can we keep up? Often times during the hike I was trying so hard to keep a good pace for our group I forgot that there where others who really couldn't go that fast and there was times I found myself leaving the group and pulling ahead without even noticing. Who do we follow? Cause if we are letting someone lead us in our faith they are eather not going to go fast enough or go WAY too fast...is Jesus the one we let be the example? The one we follow? The one we let set the pace? I had alot of thoughts of this as I walked...I also had alot of thoughts as we reached near the end of the hike...where do we hold our strength? I know for myself I wanted to cry when I saw that incline up the wall of the canyon after that 10 miles of hiking...I knew I couldn't do it, I was sore and tired and just wanted to stop and give up...but I was their leader per say..I was the one setting the pace...so what do I do? I pray. Then as we're making our way up, my body gave up long ago but I'm still going...thats the oddest feeling in the world when you know your not working on your own strength because that gave up a few miles ago...its God pushing you all the way...wow. Anyway I was pushing it up and my team is having hard times...Dusty and Joey took on the packs of the ladies and I took on Leah-Anne holding on to my pack and pulling her up...again, the Lord making sure I'm relying on nothing but Him. And Mel, she pushed so hard and the team pulled together in such an amazing way to help her up....then when we hit the top....o the joy that filles the broken torn flesh when the Lord leads you...o the joy when you know you have finished and it wasn't you at all....o the joy of seeing your team has made it...pushed it all the way and your back up there looking out over the canyon below and taking it in with a new eye....seeig it all over again for the first time just wanting to cry in the sight of God's glory and beauty.

I just wanna sit here and go on and on about so many things...o how I wish I could...and I feel so ashamed almost for dwelling on so many little things in my life and forgetting the big picture...thank you Lord for the reminder of the bigger picture.

Anywho I gost things ta do...see some of ya soon I do hope :)
- posted by Kai @ 4/21/2004 08:00:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
A little time to reflect...
Well, I now have some time to sit and just...Well, sit. Haven't felt like this in a while, totally at peace and just...Ah, so good. As my body is still healing up from the past few weeks and I'm still rather sore but I'm no longer over tired and no longer wondering what's going to happen next...Just here sitting in the office at a place in my day where all is well and this is good...Its days like today that I long for the most. The days of not much going on where I can finely bring things to focus again and focus on the Lord and nothing else. Between the Road, and Cheska in my case, me wondering if I truly have any friends left at all, my ACA responsibilities, K-Crew, and all the running around in between...I'm surprised I have made in though the past two weeks with my head still intact :P its all the Lord. I have today to rest, then I head off to hike the grand canyon. Then home...O sweet home. No wonder I'm in such a peaceful state right now...O God you are SO awesome!

This past week I had people drilling deep into the very root of who I am, do I have what it takes to be a Core Advisor. The interesting part of the past two weeks was the coming to the realization that no I don't have what it takes...But then again nobody really does. But the Lord has all we need and if we "Lean on His faith" then that's were a true too life CA comes from...Hard lesson too learn and totally put to heart for sure. The other thing is the aspect of one body of Christ...And how we lean on each other and use each other for support...Cause again we can do it on our own. Yet another hard lesson to learn :). Ever had to push a bus though the mud with its breaks going on and off down a long path? Not something you can do on your own....And not something many people can do easily...But it can and was done and though no we are not pushing a bus everyday but life can oftentimes be just as fustrating and hard as just the thought of that dang bus. How I wonder can the body of Christ actually become that body and be unified in mind and thought as the Bible says? Interesting thought...This thing called Christianity seems so complicated at times...And I'm sure its my flesh crying out cause it hates every bit of it but my spirit smiles at the simplicity of it all...The complex simplicity that is Love...A fascinating thought to say the least.

The back of my mind is still very fustrated, but to be honest I have come to realize that the opinion of the few might not be the voice of the whole. And yes I should take everything said to me and get what I can from it...and sifting through all that has been said and working it out in my head and trying to get something from it that I can apply to my life and somehow end this misery that seems to have sprouted in the lives of others because of myself...I take what Cheska has said and boil it down too "You used to be a nice, loving, caring, happy and all around good guy but now your the complete opposite." And yes, I have gotten very emotional abuot this as a whole and have acted on that emotion...and rebuked and called names and blah...everything I have said in the past lets drop for one moment. Lets live right now in the clarity of this moment and take a look at who I am right now...not the words I have spoken but who I am now.

I am Christopher Ashby, an intern at Teen Mania's Honor Academy. I'm 20 years old, living in Texas at the moment...the cold hard facts right here lol. At this point in time I am leading 3 other individuals within the room where I live as I am the A.C.A., as such I am responcibal directly to ensure they are getting the most that they can out of this year...a posistion that cannot be filled well without a love for people...a love I truly had to learn and am still trying too. I'm in K-Crew, meaning I deal with pretty well the entire ministry as they come too eat the food I help prepare...meaning having to learn tough love at times when people are late...but at the same time grace to those who need it...this as a whole requiring much love.

I don't know where I'm going with this but here is what I do know. I used to be nice...and loving and all those things and no, believe it or not I have not lost that. Cheska I do hear what you are saying and yes I agree that there have been times (many of them) where I have been less then loving in a situation, where I have forgotten things I would normaly not forget or say things that I would not normaly say...I agree with you Cheska that I was wrong in the way I handled things with Lexi and I have told you this all before but hear me please...open your heart for what I'm saying please because you blame this place for warping my mind but can you honestly say you know who I have become from third party information? I have been WAY too emotional in this whole thing and I'm sorry, and I haven't in some cases been the best excample of Christ...but again I stand by every word I have said before. I just want you too know that my heart (though I might fight it alot at times) is open to what you are saying and I'm trying to not let my emotions take hold of everything I do...but at the same time I only ask that you do the same...open your heart to what I have been saying and try and take what you can from it no matter how against it you are...

we have fought many a time before...fighting for us is nothing new actually...lol, I remember the retarded things we have faught about in the past...but each and every one of those times way pretty much because of a miscommunication and a heardening of both of our hearts to what the other was saying...so I leave you with that....and no, again I got very emotional earlyer...you are not banned from my tag board....type what you wish and you won't get deleted...but please hear my heart...sofen your heart...please try...if anything else speek with a soft toung, that way I might be able to take things you are saying in better without all the emotional baggage that dilutes the actual message ok? Thank you Cheska.
- posted by Kai @ 4/16/2004 04:00:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
The end of the road...Gideon's that is...
well, though all the turmoil of emotions I forgot too post how the road went. I was distroyed phisicly, emotionaly...and I'm glad its over...and yet the growth and the lessons I will never forget. Enough said really...cause I can't talk about the spacifics of the road anyway (I wish I could...wow)

blah, I dunno what too write...Chuck is the most amazing friend ever...he actually wrote me an awsome email of encouragment and I love hat man so much....the one I have seen the least of is the one who has stood behind me the most, not in person but in prayer...I'm pretty sure he's the only one actually praying for me...which is the only thing in friendship thats eturnal really....prayer.

This thing called frindship is something still a mystery too me...for so many of my friendships are surface level and those are the ones that are now being passed though fire and burning up...but like Chuck and I's friendship...with that solid foundation of trust and faith there is something that will survive though the fire. O I love it.
- posted by Kai @ 4/16/2004 11:43:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Emotions pt. 2
Tare at me even more I beg of you, tare at me some more. I plead with you hurt me and call me a liar I plead with you please. Call me a freak call me anything you want, please say your worst. For in the end, it doesn't really matter. I placed my heart on the line and have yet to hear from the people I would consider a friend, that's ok cause this is only the next day...Tare at me, strip me down until there is nothing left I plead...

what I said was true though, and no Cheska you didn't know me for 20 years so you can't speak thinking you did, but hurt me all the same please. No you weren't there when I cried, when I felt so alone every single night, but please continue too think you know me, please continue to destroy me. Yes, I was a nice guy and thank you for thinking so, and yes I am human...Thank you for noticing, yes I do make mistakes...O, sorry, you left that out. Attack me for the mistakes I have made please for I deserve it...Really I do. Yes I lied, yes I cried, I have asked forgiveness and have received none and yet you say I'm the ungodly? But please hurt me more, for I am the disgusting...I am the sick and twisted and yes, although you attack me at every chance please continue to do so because your swaying my heart back to my old self...

I come from a world of pain that YOU DON'T KNOW!!! AND I WILL NOT BACK DOWN BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU THINK!!! You don't know me and you never did...but please, keep telling me you do...

I'm angered and I'm sorry, but please...hurt me more, I ask you to tair me apart as you have been because its working, your making me never want to be the same as I was again so please...cut me down.

I scream out loud and cry at the jabs, only wishing they would stop but please continue to hit harder...I plead for mercy and ley my heart out but please don't hear what I say...I have hurt many before and I will hurt many after, I'm human...don't let that slide...I must be perfect so please whip me into shape. I have changed but please, even though you have yet to actually talk to me even on the phone, you have yet to hear my voice please...take my words and jam them down my neck...

you saw me cry in the back seat of the car, you know I have emotions so please tair at them the most, you obviously where in my mind and knew what I was thinking at the time so please use my thoughts against me too becuase I had sinned the night before, use my sin against me too. Don't leave out any part of this life, this so unperfect life for I am a lier, and a cheat, thank you for alowing me that chance to remember all the things that I am...thank you. I am gratful you care so much for me too tair me down so much thanks.

I am being sarcastic, I am sorry but please use that against me too, don't hold back because I showed a weakness there too...but you don't hate me so I think you. You don't hate me, in fact your a friend...but don't let anything slip my...cut me with the sword of your friendship as well, but where is the line between hate and friendship...I don't know anymore. Use that to distroy what is left of me please...for my emotions mean nothing in this.

If you take joy in all you do, in all you say too me I am glad, for if you wish too have the old Chris back this is the way too do it, to cut me down at every turn and get me to the point of dispair once again...I think you friend. Thank you.
- posted by Kai @ 4/10/2004 09:01:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Emotions
I'm lost so deep in a sea of emotions I don't know where to go, what to do but lift it all too the Lord. Why Father does this have too be so hard, why Lord do have have too loose my friends? Why so I have to be pushed, streched? Why can't I be the person I was before?
You know those answers...
its true, its so funny, the fact that I'm still even now wanting to go back...When everyone in the world tells me I'm wrong who is too say I'm right? I'm never right because if I was then me being the way I was was alright. Yes I was a nice guy back then and if you see me in person I'm the same way...But I now have this passion that gets me upset when people try and tell me that what God is working here is wrong, because it has been seen again and again in this life that in fact God is working here and doing some amazing things...And though what might be portrayed in my written word might be one thing, this is just my passionate side coming out full swing, but if you where too see me...Actually talk too me face too face and see the work that the Lord has done in this life your whole viewpoint would change. No I haven't lost the side of me that gave my bracelet to Lynda when she was crying in the car too the airport but in the same breath I have found out that she wasn't the one for me and in fact though she is an amazing woman, she was my Proverbs 7 woman. She never intended that at all but unwillingly that's what happened. Do I hate her for it? NO! But do I separate myself from the temtations of the flesh yes.

Then there is Cheska, whose rage crosses all boundaries and again, she has not even seen me in person and is trying to base her thoughts on me based on writings here and from my conversations with other people...

Rob, I have no idea...He knows where I stand and I will not back down from it...

and the list goes on too the deepest parts of my life. But it all boils down too one thing...I have changed. I am not the same and though you people think this is for the worst let me tell you you never saw me! You saw me in the times I was with people, with friends, you never saw me in the secret times alone, you never saw the pain I felt every night, you never saw how much a life without God in the center of it truly hurt. All you saw was fakeness, all you saw was the front, the Chris that wanted to make everyone else happy by putting on a happy smile and yeah, sometimes I was truly happy because my friends are awesome people but now you are starting too see Chris, not you are starting too see a man with passion, a man with Vision and yes a man who isn't always nice, and you hate this new man? I'm telling you right now from the deepest part of me that this is what I always feared and this is the reason I couldn't be real and why I never really had a passion for what I believed in...Because I feared that my friends would see me and back away.

you have proven that fear too be true.

this place hasn't changed me as much as it has encouraged me too be myself, too be the man of such amazing passion for what he believes in that he doesn't have to be afraid of what people think of him because God is much bigger then any man.

You wonder why I get a little upset when people come too me with bad attitudes about how I have changed and how they wish they could have the old Ashby back? If you want the old Ashby back go find the most fake person you can find and have him be your friend, you'll get a kick out of him and I'm sure he'll serve you well, and I'm sure if he is like the old Ashby you won't even care about the fact that he's dyeing on the inside, rotting away more everyday because he's being the awesome friend for you and that's all that counts.

But if you want the real Ashby, the one who won't back down from what he believes, and the one that if you want to tell him he's wrong you better have something real too back it up with like possibly some scripture...If you want the man who is so full of a real love for his friends that he won't settle for them settling for second best BECAUSE he loves them with all his heart...If you want the kind of friendship that's not just surface level and that actually goes both ways then yeah, that's me...That's the real Chris.

To be blunt, you can all say you are looking out for my best interests but I really don't think you are. Because all you want is the old Ashby back...And I was dead back then...I was dead...Ok, are you starting too understand this because right now I'm so close too tears because I know the Bible says that I'll be hated and I keep reminding myself that but I don't want too be hated by my friends, who for the first time are starting too see me for who I really am....Especially because you haven't even talked too me in person some of you since Christmas and how can you truly judge the "new Chris" without talking too me? Yeah I have hurt people, I'm human and I make mistakes and for that I'm sorry but I just want you too see even a little hint of what I see now you know? If I truly didn't care about any of you and was just looking out for me me me and was this big judgmental monster I have been made out too be then I wouldn't be here talking on this thing at all, I would have severed any and all contact with you and told you straight up that I never wanted to talk to you again so don't even try...But I'm not, and I've been trying soo hard to get you all too see my heart but in reality through the written word its...Nearly impossible. I want too cry because the pridefull part of me is all worried about my name being bashed around back home though all my friends....But the good side of me is heart broken because I've been trying so hard to share my heart with you my friends and then you come back and don't even sound like you read it all...Take ONE thing I said and just bash me over the head with that...ONE thing when my heart is in all the words as a whole...

The old Chris is dead and I rejoice because I no longer live in the pain I once did...Can't you as ones who claim too care for me stand and rejoice along side of me? Please?...Because now though life is much harder then it was, I have found my joy in Christ...Can't I count on my friends to have joy for me as well?

This is my heart, the whole thing as one body of words. There is so much more I could say but for now I will leave it at this...And maybe...Just maybe you will see my heart and not my words...For my words are useless and meaningless in the end....

See my heart...
- posted by Kai @ 4/09/2004 12:12:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
The more they talk...
the more I see this one scripture burning in my soul...Matt 10:22, my life. The ones that followed Christ the closest are the ones that died for him, all but one of his closest followers died a marytr's death...persicuted over and over...even by there closest friends because of there devotion.

"You will be hated..."

Thank you Lord, for my pain is made complete and in my weakness you are made great. I care for them, and they do not see...just as you cared for us and we killed you...I do not clame to be as you but my pain is complete Lord. Thank you.
- posted by Kai @ 4/06/2004 06:41:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Taken from: "Writings of the Burning Soul"
Friendship, like the feather moves in the breeze I see a friendship flutter in the wind, its ups and downs cause me to become dizzy, the spiraling mess of words combated with more words in a never ending sea of chaos only ended when one gives up his sword in defeat. But in friendship should one have to be subdued by the others blade? Should there be the blood stained air as the feather moves with the uneasy breeze? Isn't this in fact supposed to be the brother pulling the other's blade to his neck saying "kill me, for our friendship means too much too me too fight you" but it seems that the eye of pride learks over us as our swords clash in the dawn, its mouth laughs with an evil grin too it. But the battle goes forward into the hot of the day until the feather is cut from the air and stained red as the bloodlust in the eyes of a once close friend.

-Kai
- posted by Kai @ 4/03/2004 11:32:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Dearest Rob:
Of course I know what I had to give up to get where I'm today. I had to give up my fleshly desires, my every want and every need...I had to give up friends and every aspect of myself and my worldly nature and give it all to God. Too is some way make him my only desire, I wish to be hated by the world cause that means I'm doing something right. If there is pain and struggles that means I'm doing something right. If everyday I'm living under constant attack that means I'm doing something right and I push on. No, my relationship with Lynda was not healthy, not pure and drove me and her too sin. The Bible says to rather die then cause a brother or sister to stumble and yet with Lynda I caused her and myself to stumble and fall. You don't just try to mend and move on after that point...You don't. But I'm not getting into that because that (should) have nothing to do with the two of us. The point is your the only one that has ever even brought up the idea that we couldn't be friends because you can't del with the fact that I'm making choices in life that I know are going to be painful now but eternally gratifying later. And no, I haven't told you your wrong cause your right, its going to be hard to be your friend at all if you can't just forget who I was and take me for who I am now. Who I was before was straight up sin. I lived in sin and loved my sin. I will not be that person anymore. You will not bring that person back and if you try your playing the devil's game. I have become very serious about my faith and those I keep around me, and the emotional outcome of the now is less important then a lifetime with Him, glorifying God in ALL I do. Yeah, I realize what I had to give up to move forward in my walk...I gave up everything to be with my Lord, if you are one of those people whom will walk away from me in this time just know that it will be an emotional time, but that I'm not going to fight it...Because I know where my sights are and its not down here but its above. I love people as I love myself, and I love God with all my heart soul mind and body. The greatest commandments...
I love you as myself, that will never change. And though at times my words have been harsh...Sometimes love is harsh, but just know that I love my God with everything that I am first. I will always love my God first. For He so loved me. If you can live with second place then yeah, I'll be your friend for life. But if you can't life with second place then I'm sorry. This has been up too you, and always has...
- posted by Kai @ 4/03/2004 11:20:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
some calmness after the storm...

UPG TV's Xanga

- posted by Kai @ 4/01/2004 09:07:00 p.m. (0) comments