Ok, so now I'm going to post...
The blog has been real quite as of late...Amusing, I only see that people read this thing when I sprout some kind of controversy.

anywho, what do I have to talk about today...

The more I look too things in my life here the more I hate it, the more things I see the more disgusted I am to be quite honest...I hate TV and yet I watch it because we as a family do nothing else...I talk to friends about useless things when I really just wanna talk about Jesus...but that would make me odd...the one they fear I am. I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF SURFACE LEVEL FRIENDSHIPS I JUST WANNA SCREAM!!! or more like cry...

because in the end, when you boil it down its my falt for letting it stay where it is...nothing but surface level...a collection of things we have done together as friends and not much more. A collection of emotions and memories and not too much else...because I have always been that surface level guy..now when I want more I can't bring myself to change it becuase we're so...accustumed to the same ol same ol its just natural to talk about the same ol same ol...I'm sick of this world and how useless the things we think are important really are...sick. AND I CAN'T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO SAY ANYTHING!!! I see so much, hurt so much, need so much pray so much plead so much...but in the end when it comes out of my mouth if at all it comes as a joke...what is going on Lord, why can't I be who you want me to be?

Why do we spend so much time on games and TV and stuff to satisfy our "entertanment" and spend no time with you? WHY?!?!?

and why can't I say anything about it?...

why can't I press in? why can't I dive deeper...so many questions, so many...why do we live for ourselves in this world created by you? I see it all over, not a one hasn't been touched by this filth including myself...I try to wash myself but I can't Father CLENSE ME!!

My sister curses so much now and everytime she does it hurts so much, I ask her to stop and I'm laughed at, moked for I once did the same thing...my heart aches for my family o Father...

My friend spends all her time in an online community, playing games more then living life in reality...it hurts me cause she needs more of you, I see it in her questions...I see it in her fustrations Lord my heart pains for her...o Father my heart hurts...

My friend isn't the same with me as he is with other people, he curses with others but not with me, puts on a mask and I don't say a thing LORD!!! I see so much in him he wishes to give but where is his focus?

I'm caught in the myst of very many things, walking the tight rope only wishing to be sitting in the seats watching the show but right now I am the show...Lord is there no one left that seeks you? have we all fallen so far away? Fallen for the worlds lies and deceat?

I'm sitting now in my room, not really wishing to leave for I do in fact fear what I see, Father release me of this fear for it is not of you...I do not wish to fall for the lies, but to follow you and seek you more then anything else...to be that light amongst a world of darkness...Lord send a helper...someone who understands as I do the importance of devotion...I can't do this alone, my fear holds me tight Father...be strong in my weakness Lord...be strong...

I no longer want to be a sunday morning Christian...don't let me slip back into the routeens of this world...

why can't they see the importance?

why can't they look at life with you in mind?

why can't they remember you always?

why can't I be the subtle reminder?

why can't I speak of you?

I want to speak your words all the rest of my days, I want you to fill my mouth as I sing your praises and live for your glory O GOD THERE IS NOTHING WITHOUT YOU!!!

but the world would say otherwise...and many have listened to the sweet suduction of the worlds sweet voice...

and many will say I'm arrigant o Lord don't let that be truth, Father humble me now for all you have done in me was only through grace in which I think you everyday I'm alive...Lord work in them...if nothing else to releave the pain in my heart o God, this might be selfish but please o God, work your wonders even just to releave my pain for their sake...

I sit in my room, a house full of deception, only wishing to escape...just as I feel everytime I'm in this room, in this place. But this is home, where I have been planted...let the seed grow into a frutfull tree Lord. Let it be.
- posted by Kai @ 4/23/2004 09:01:00 p.m.