Emotions
I'm lost so deep in a sea of emotions I don't know where to go, what to do but lift it all too the Lord. Why Father does this have too be so hard, why Lord do have have too loose my friends? Why so I have to be pushed, streched? Why can't I be the person I was before?
You know those answers...
its true, its so funny, the fact that I'm still even now wanting to go back...When everyone in the world tells me I'm wrong who is too say I'm right? I'm never right because if I was then me being the way I was was alright. Yes I was a nice guy back then and if you see me in person I'm the same way...But I now have this passion that gets me upset when people try and tell me that what God is working here is wrong, because it has been seen again and again in this life that in fact God is working here and doing some amazing things...And though what might be portrayed in my written word might be one thing, this is just my passionate side coming out full swing, but if you where too see me...Actually talk too me face too face and see the work that the Lord has done in this life your whole viewpoint would change. No I haven't lost the side of me that gave my bracelet to Lynda when she was crying in the car too the airport but in the same breath I have found out that she wasn't the one for me and in fact though she is an amazing woman, she was my Proverbs 7 woman. She never intended that at all but unwillingly that's what happened. Do I hate her for it? NO! But do I separate myself from the temtations of the flesh yes.

Then there is Cheska, whose rage crosses all boundaries and again, she has not even seen me in person and is trying to base her thoughts on me based on writings here and from my conversations with other people...

Rob, I have no idea...He knows where I stand and I will not back down from it...

and the list goes on too the deepest parts of my life. But it all boils down too one thing...I have changed. I am not the same and though you people think this is for the worst let me tell you you never saw me! You saw me in the times I was with people, with friends, you never saw me in the secret times alone, you never saw the pain I felt every night, you never saw how much a life without God in the center of it truly hurt. All you saw was fakeness, all you saw was the front, the Chris that wanted to make everyone else happy by putting on a happy smile and yeah, sometimes I was truly happy because my friends are awesome people but now you are starting too see Chris, not you are starting too see a man with passion, a man with Vision and yes a man who isn't always nice, and you hate this new man? I'm telling you right now from the deepest part of me that this is what I always feared and this is the reason I couldn't be real and why I never really had a passion for what I believed in...Because I feared that my friends would see me and back away.

you have proven that fear too be true.

this place hasn't changed me as much as it has encouraged me too be myself, too be the man of such amazing passion for what he believes in that he doesn't have to be afraid of what people think of him because God is much bigger then any man.

You wonder why I get a little upset when people come too me with bad attitudes about how I have changed and how they wish they could have the old Ashby back? If you want the old Ashby back go find the most fake person you can find and have him be your friend, you'll get a kick out of him and I'm sure he'll serve you well, and I'm sure if he is like the old Ashby you won't even care about the fact that he's dyeing on the inside, rotting away more everyday because he's being the awesome friend for you and that's all that counts.

But if you want the real Ashby, the one who won't back down from what he believes, and the one that if you want to tell him he's wrong you better have something real too back it up with like possibly some scripture...If you want the man who is so full of a real love for his friends that he won't settle for them settling for second best BECAUSE he loves them with all his heart...If you want the kind of friendship that's not just surface level and that actually goes both ways then yeah, that's me...That's the real Chris.

To be blunt, you can all say you are looking out for my best interests but I really don't think you are. Because all you want is the old Ashby back...And I was dead back then...I was dead...Ok, are you starting too understand this because right now I'm so close too tears because I know the Bible says that I'll be hated and I keep reminding myself that but I don't want too be hated by my friends, who for the first time are starting too see me for who I really am....Especially because you haven't even talked too me in person some of you since Christmas and how can you truly judge the "new Chris" without talking too me? Yeah I have hurt people, I'm human and I make mistakes and for that I'm sorry but I just want you too see even a little hint of what I see now you know? If I truly didn't care about any of you and was just looking out for me me me and was this big judgmental monster I have been made out too be then I wouldn't be here talking on this thing at all, I would have severed any and all contact with you and told you straight up that I never wanted to talk to you again so don't even try...But I'm not, and I've been trying soo hard to get you all too see my heart but in reality through the written word its...Nearly impossible. I want too cry because the pridefull part of me is all worried about my name being bashed around back home though all my friends....But the good side of me is heart broken because I've been trying so hard to share my heart with you my friends and then you come back and don't even sound like you read it all...Take ONE thing I said and just bash me over the head with that...ONE thing when my heart is in all the words as a whole...

The old Chris is dead and I rejoice because I no longer live in the pain I once did...Can't you as ones who claim too care for me stand and rejoice along side of me? Please?...Because now though life is much harder then it was, I have found my joy in Christ...Can't I count on my friends to have joy for me as well?

This is my heart, the whole thing as one body of words. There is so much more I could say but for now I will leave it at this...And maybe...Just maybe you will see my heart and not my words...For my words are useless and meaningless in the end....

See my heart...
- posted by Kai @ 4/09/2004 12:12:00 p.m.