A little time to reflect...
Well, I now have some time to sit and just...Well, sit. Haven't felt like this in a while, totally at peace and just...Ah, so good. As my body is still healing up from the past few weeks and I'm still rather sore but I'm no longer over tired and no longer wondering what's going to happen next...Just here sitting in the office at a place in my day where all is well and this is good...Its days like today that I long for the most. The days of not much going on where I can finely bring things to focus again and focus on the Lord and nothing else. Between the Road, and Cheska in my case, me wondering if I truly have any friends left at all, my ACA responsibilities, K-Crew, and all the running around in between...I'm surprised I have made in though the past two weeks with my head still intact :P its all the Lord. I have today to rest, then I head off to hike the grand canyon. Then home...O sweet home. No wonder I'm in such a peaceful state right now...O God you are SO awesome!

This past week I had people drilling deep into the very root of who I am, do I have what it takes to be a Core Advisor. The interesting part of the past two weeks was the coming to the realization that no I don't have what it takes...But then again nobody really does. But the Lord has all we need and if we "Lean on His faith" then that's were a true too life CA comes from...Hard lesson too learn and totally put to heart for sure. The other thing is the aspect of one body of Christ...And how we lean on each other and use each other for support...Cause again we can do it on our own. Yet another hard lesson to learn :). Ever had to push a bus though the mud with its breaks going on and off down a long path? Not something you can do on your own....And not something many people can do easily...But it can and was done and though no we are not pushing a bus everyday but life can oftentimes be just as fustrating and hard as just the thought of that dang bus. How I wonder can the body of Christ actually become that body and be unified in mind and thought as the Bible says? Interesting thought...This thing called Christianity seems so complicated at times...And I'm sure its my flesh crying out cause it hates every bit of it but my spirit smiles at the simplicity of it all...The complex simplicity that is Love...A fascinating thought to say the least.

The back of my mind is still very fustrated, but to be honest I have come to realize that the opinion of the few might not be the voice of the whole. And yes I should take everything said to me and get what I can from it...and sifting through all that has been said and working it out in my head and trying to get something from it that I can apply to my life and somehow end this misery that seems to have sprouted in the lives of others because of myself...I take what Cheska has said and boil it down too "You used to be a nice, loving, caring, happy and all around good guy but now your the complete opposite." And yes, I have gotten very emotional abuot this as a whole and have acted on that emotion...and rebuked and called names and blah...everything I have said in the past lets drop for one moment. Lets live right now in the clarity of this moment and take a look at who I am right now...not the words I have spoken but who I am now.

I am Christopher Ashby, an intern at Teen Mania's Honor Academy. I'm 20 years old, living in Texas at the moment...the cold hard facts right here lol. At this point in time I am leading 3 other individuals within the room where I live as I am the A.C.A., as such I am responcibal directly to ensure they are getting the most that they can out of this year...a posistion that cannot be filled well without a love for people...a love I truly had to learn and am still trying too. I'm in K-Crew, meaning I deal with pretty well the entire ministry as they come too eat the food I help prepare...meaning having to learn tough love at times when people are late...but at the same time grace to those who need it...this as a whole requiring much love.

I don't know where I'm going with this but here is what I do know. I used to be nice...and loving and all those things and no, believe it or not I have not lost that. Cheska I do hear what you are saying and yes I agree that there have been times (many of them) where I have been less then loving in a situation, where I have forgotten things I would normaly not forget or say things that I would not normaly say...I agree with you Cheska that I was wrong in the way I handled things with Lexi and I have told you this all before but hear me please...open your heart for what I'm saying please because you blame this place for warping my mind but can you honestly say you know who I have become from third party information? I have been WAY too emotional in this whole thing and I'm sorry, and I haven't in some cases been the best excample of Christ...but again I stand by every word I have said before. I just want you too know that my heart (though I might fight it alot at times) is open to what you are saying and I'm trying to not let my emotions take hold of everything I do...but at the same time I only ask that you do the same...open your heart to what I have been saying and try and take what you can from it no matter how against it you are...

we have fought many a time before...fighting for us is nothing new actually...lol, I remember the retarded things we have faught about in the past...but each and every one of those times way pretty much because of a miscommunication and a heardening of both of our hearts to what the other was saying...so I leave you with that....and no, again I got very emotional earlyer...you are not banned from my tag board....type what you wish and you won't get deleted...but please hear my heart...sofen your heart...please try...if anything else speek with a soft toung, that way I might be able to take things you are saying in better without all the emotional baggage that dilutes the actual message ok? Thank you Cheska.
- posted by Kai @ 4/16/2004 04:00:00 p.m.