The Judged
...But then...than there's Chris.
I wonder about that boy sometimes. I worry that he is becoming a zealot. I worry that he is going to be someone that I can't stand to be around. I worry that he is going to decide that everyone he knew in high school was evil and sinful and want to stay in his Christian, isolationist paradise until Doomsday, never to come out. I worry that I've lost a good friend. I just saw that he has removed all links to my blog (here) from his blog, and has not responded to any online conversations I've tried to have with him.
Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can do, but say here and now that I still want to be his friend. All I can do is extend my hand to him and hope that he responds...

I want to respond but what is there left too say? Again, people believe what they want and won't back down fro their thoughts of me...I'm Christian people, live with it or get away from me I guess is what I have too say. I'm sick of people taking everything I say and just turning it around...Yeah, I'm living by the Bible OUUU!!! O no, I'm a bad person now...frig...How has this been turned around to make me out to be the bad guy?

yeah I'll hang out with my friends back home, I'm not going to drop people but at the same time, I'm not going to let certain people drag me down any longer...If you want to be my friend and your a Christian you better darn well be living the standard as posted in my last post (I suggest any who haven't read my last post please do) because Jesus said to not even sit down and eat with those that are backsliding. I have a passion for Christ, if you have a problem with that I seriously advise you too look at your own Christianity...I'm not perfect, heck I'm not even close...I'm no where near where I want to be..But everyday I push forward..Never too become stationary in my walk with Christ.

but lets not let this become a rant of the proportions of last night...

Rob, first of all I never had a link to your blog on here because you never update it...or bearly ever at any rate..I know you have your reasons and thats cool...but why link too it, plus most of the links on there are for my use and I link too your site from Bev's...as you'll notice Chuck's blog isn't on here eather for the same reasons and Chuck and I are still amazing friends.

Second, I have yet too see a message from you appear on my screen, I'm not ignoring you...I just do see you online ever and I guess I'm not reciving the messages you send, which I have heard the same complant from others and I'm trying to figure out the reason for this.

Third and most important...you have never been on my side since I came here...sure you tried to be "my friend" all though this but you have been nothing but negitive too everything I'm doing and quite frankly you've judged me, and you have judged this place wrongly. The Honor Academy doesn't try to suck people in for good, in fact they push people too leave after the first year and start the furtherance of their education and their lives, but for the select few that feel called too stay thay go through a very detailed selection process called a "road" mine having three "cuts"...so its not like they are "sucking people in never to escape" or any of that junk...ug, why can't people get their mindset away from the fact that this is a calt...thats ignorance and pre-judgment that I will not tolorate from a so-called friend straight up. Look man, I'm just being real here. And the reason I'm writing this here is because there are probably a select few who feel the same as Rob here does. I have been defending this place and myself too these so-called people who want to be my "friend"...its funny, cause a true friend would see the growth in my spiritual life and be excited for me...would take the time to actually talk too me without a pre-judgment in their heart...these people like James and Bev and Chuck and many others who arn't even saved have been a friend too me and have yes expressed some concern but we talked and minds where put at ease because they see and know my heart.

Rob, dang it man I love you so much but you have been nothing but nagitive twords my entire growth here at the internship and have done nothing but judge this place and judge me without knowing my heart or really without a care for me...if you took the real time too actually come at this situation as a friend would you would see that I'm growing in my spiritual walk and I'm trying my best too live as I should, as Christ would and that means living according too Biblical standards which yeah, sometimes I slip up..duh I'm human but I puch forward and if you take that as being a "zealot"

\Zeal"ot\, n. [F. z['e]lote, L. zelotes, Gr. ?. See Zeal.] One who is zealous; one who engages warmly in any cause, and pursues his object with earnestness and ardor; especially, one who is overzealous, or carried away by his zeal; one absorbed in devotion to anything; an enthusiast; a fanatical partisan

\Zeal\ (z[=e]l), n. [F. z[`e]le; cf. Pg. & It. zelo, Sp. zelo, celo; from L. zelus, Gr. ?, probably akin to ? to boil. Cf. Yeast, Jealous.] 1. Passionate ardor in the pursuit of anything; eagerness in favor of a person or cause; ardent and active interest; engagedness; enthusiasm; fervor. ``Ambition varnished o'er with zeal.'' --Milton. ``Zeal, the blind conductor of the will.'' --Dryden. ``Zeal's never-dying fire.'' --Keble.

well okey, whatever...I'm a Zealot...whatever, I'm not going to be labled by some name...I'm going to be known as a Christian and nothing else. My devotion is too the Lord and nothing else...cause that's what being a Christian is.

\Chris"tian\, n. [L. christianus, Gr. ?; cf. AS. cristen. See Christ.] 1. One who believes, or professes or is assumed to believe, in Jesus Christ, and the truth as taught by Him; especially, one whose inward and outward life is conformed to the doctrines of Christ.

one whose inward and outward life is conformed to the doctrines of Christ....need I say more?

I'm a Christian people, if you have a problem with that well, I've come to the point where I have too say sorry, I'm not going to back down just because people can't take it...I'm pushing forward...if you want to join me in a friendship...grab ahold and just know that I'm pushing forward always.
- posted by Kai @ 3/31/2004 04:40:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
The Cult Has Me...AHHH!!! lol
Here's a name I haven't thought of in a while, kinda came back when I took a peek at Lexi's board just too see how she was doing. Cheska comes too mind and I'm wondering how she is doing, and hope that it is well. I really hate it when friendships go bad, misunderstandings, bad circumstances...can't we all just get along? No, thats ok...again Jesus told us we would be hated by those of the world, I just wonder sometimes how all those people who used to be in my life are doing...like Laura, Lex, Ches, Greg, wow, the list goes on...and some days I wish I could just mend all the hurt and fix all the broken friendships but thats not possable, and I'm not supposed too...sure Cheska hates me or whatever, but do I really need to be in a friendship with someone like that? Someone who will hold a grudge till the end of time it seems like? Neh, not a very healthy friendship on my end at all it looks like too me. Everyone and their dog told me how much of a bad idea it was to come here. And yet I know so much more about my faith, I know why we live (or are supposed to live) the way we do and why its so easy to live as the world does when we're not supposed too, I have learned why I fell into sexual impurity and what I can do now to stay away from even the apperance of it. I have learned to be disiplened in all I do, I exercise almost regularly now, I'm in amazing shape...I'm full of the love of God and a joy that can only come with him and you know what??? All my life as a Christian I never knew what that was...now that I know and now that I know what too run twords and what too run away from, ever so slowly I begin too see the bigger picture, the true seperation of all things worldly and all things spiritual...I GET IT NOW!!! Yeah it took a little fleshly heart break in the beginning, it took making some mistakes but you know what? This isn't about Teen Mania, nor is it about the Honor Academy, its about the truth, its abuot the one true God and its abuot that relationship that all of us that clame to be Christians should be sharing in! I remember way back before I came here...wow, it seems so long ago now, when I remember those days all I see is comprimise, I would do something I KNEW wasn't right and take great joy from it, I would do everyhting that would make ME happy and not worry abuot anything untill I was around the Church goers, I put on my Christian mask then....heck even when I was home for Christmas I did the same thing, I put my Christian mask on when it was needed...it was just needed more...not I'm telling you that this thing called Christianity is no longer a mask in this life but it is really the true me...

if you don't have a relationship with God your not a Christian...

a bold statment but truth, and heck yeah it'll offend most everyone who clames to be Christian but thats ok, the Bible never said I couldn't offend people, in fact Jesus made very bold statments that offended alot of people...

the fact is I remember long ago, Cheska had told me straight up that she was Christian, and that I had no right to talk to her about something she knew way more about then I did...and yeah, she was right...I didn't have the right too speak then, and I want too tell you that I'm not saying any of this to slander anyone but, Cheska said that she didn't beleve that the Bible was in fact the word of God...the way she lives her life is so totaly out of wack to what the word says...to what Jesus taught its crazy...and yet she takes the Lord's name in vain by calling herself a Christian...the fact is most people these days take the Lord's name in vain when they call themselves Christians...and the ones who get hurt the most because of these people who clame to be Christian yet don't even have a real relationship with God, that don't even live by His word...are the ones who don't beleve. Because they are pushed away everyday by these people. COMMON PEOPLE WAKE UP!!! We are being watched everyday and yes the Bible says not to live for acts alone but lets use some commen sence people, if your really living for God ITS GOING TO SHOW IN THE WAY YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! If you don't beleve the Bible don't you dare call yourself Christian...don't you dare blasphem the name of my God! Dangit people wake up and smell the death! People are dieing everyday because of we Christians who won't pick up a Bible and just read it because "It's too hard to understand" ug, the Bible says that is you read the Bible and pray for understanding that the Holy Spirit will come down and give us understanding! The Holy Spirit is our teacher! And yeah living by Biblical standards is hard but guess what...LIFE IS HARD! It doens't get any easer when you become a Christian, and if it does your doing something wrong....study the Word...take every Word as the Word of God..apply it, live it...and maybe those who are watching us..waiting too see a real Christian with a real passion for the real Lord will finally see it, and you might actually be that light that the Bible talks about. *huff puff* yeah I'm angry...this is a passion that burns right down to the very depths of my soal and will not let go...if you live everyday to strive to be more like Jesus, if you live by Biblical standards and flee from even the appearance of evil..you have the right and the honor too wair the name of Christ as a badge on your uniform as you go into battle, but if you don't...if you don't even read the Bible, you have no real desire to live as Jesus did and you just coast through life....don't blasphem the name of the Most High with your idol words and lies...cause your not Christian, sorry if this offends you but your not. I think its time that we as Christians took a step back and took a deep look into our lives and examened our hearts...you know, the Bible says to live in constant prayer...do we even pray once a day? At all?

And I know someone is going to write something on my tag board abuot how I'm wrong about everything and this and that...look, all I'm saying is we as Christians better not be living as the world does. This is Biblical people...we live to be more like Jesus...not more like the world that we know is going to hate is...

I guess what I'm saying is...let them hate us for the Joy in our hearts and our proclemation of our faith...don't let them mock us for not living as Christians should...
- posted by Kai @ 3/30/2004 08:41:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Gideon's, here I come...
Christopher Ashby, you are cordilly invited to travel down Gideon's Road. The journey will begin at 9:45 pm, on Monday, April 5, in the Auditorium. come ready to venture down a road of challenges with pen nd paper in hand. Should you not be able to attend this meeting due to ministry conflicts, prior notification must be given to Megan Smith

and its even on nice paper :) I head'n down the road, pray for me :)
- posted by Kai @ 3/29/2004 07:08:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Outkast
Indeed we are hated, just as they hated Jesus when he spoke the truth, just like when they hung him up on the cross. But to we fight the cross or do we embrace it? Do we shout out against the hate we receive as believers or do we embrace it and love them?

Jesus said we would be hated, I am the hated and I'm full of joy for I know he loves me, and if I'm hated by the world I know that I'm doing this right, living as an outcast from the world.

-Kai

My latest post on the writing and poetry board that I have just too collect interesting thoughts and rhymes and stuff...And I just wanted to expand on this thought.

I'm worried sometimes that the world is going to hate me and misunderstand me and yet, Jesus said that we would be hated and misunderstood. So what's to worry about? I guess there is still a part of me that wants to be in the world, I don't want that part of me...I talk to so many people who think they have all the answers...Who have it all worked out so they don't need a god...Or whatever people say today to deny the existence of the one true God, and yet if you look into there lives you see pain and suffering...And it breaks my heart. I almost cried after a talk with Kristy the other day cause she's so against the thought of God, and yet she is in so much pain right now, I can feel it even here...My heart breaks for her and the many like her who live in pain, and cover it up with short term tricks to make them "happy". It makes me so sad that people only care about what makes them happy...When they continue to be so empty inside, and don't tell me your not empty inside cause I've been there, I know you are and you might be able to trick yourself into thinking everything is ok but look deep down....There is something missing...I've been in your shoes, I have walked with the dead as you do now and I know the pain of everyday life, even if your happy your still empty...Then you look for love on such a surface level cause love is the only thing that can fill that void but if you think your going to get that kind of love from another human being your sadly mistaken. We where created to take in and give out love...Without this we would surly die, but too truly fill that void that burns deep there is something more...And once you find this your focus isn't on temporary highs of "happiness" anymore because you'll be living in constant love...Being poured into till your overflowing everyday, and no you won't be "happy" everyday cause yeah, we're human but I can tell you this...A life with God closes that wound that opens in sin and burns in a lack of real love.

and when your filled to the brim and you no longer have that hole burning deep in your soul, even if the world shuns you and called you stupid for believing in something they can see or feel...You live in joy cause you can. And your heart breaks for them who choose not too see or feel the wind on there face...
- posted by Kai @ 3/29/2004 09:28:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Tears
I cried, this doesn't happen but it did. And though i know the reasons for the pain I know the reasons for the joy as well, and though I will miss my friends, I know that they are moving on and i'm excited for them. God-Bless you guys, wherever you end up :)
- posted by Kai @ 3/28/2004 02:20:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
You will be remembered...Selfless forever...
Too my boys, you know who you are. I just want too let you know that we are family and I love you soo much.

Its hard, I tent to hold emotions so tight inside because I don't want to sappy up a situation with useless tears, is it pride? yeah...but I do, I do want to cry because Brent is my roomate...Pat is my asian...hehe, and its possable that, even though we say we will see eachother again...I don't hold that too tight.

I'm a mess of emotions and I don't know what too do, I never know what too do...in one aspect I'm so happy for them because they are moving forward...but that little selfish side of me just wants them too stay so they won't be out of my life forever, cause I really do love them as any brother would...

for once in my life I'm at a total loss for words, even in writing I have nothing too really say other then we're Selfless for life, brothers in life and death.
- posted by Kai @ 3/27/2004 10:24:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Names...
Jitsu (n) truth; reality; sincerity; fidelity; kindness; faith; substance; essence; (P)

all the things I want too see in my core wrapped up in one little japanese word...how awsome, i've found my core name.
- posted by Kai @ 3/26/2004 04:50:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Speak And Be Heard, And Never Let Them Know Who You Are...
I have really been pushed too use my gift of public speaking, as well as very much encouraged when I do...Or at least attempt to do so, its really interesting cause I don't like to go around telling people I'm a public speaker...They come and tell me LOL. Hey, if I ever wanted confirmation from God pertaining to the vision for my life...Here it is over and over and over again LOL ah well, I just want to always keep myself in check and be sure that whenever I'm up there talking to people that...its not me who is speaking but in fact God speaking though me. To never let them know who I am for it doen't really matter for I'm am just the messenger. How many times do you know the messenger's name? Like if you get a message do you look at the name of the person who gave you the message or do you look at the name of the person who sent the messge? ah how are worl is twisted so much that the messenger's name has more pull it seems then the one who sent the message....I never want my name to be lifted....or even known...cause i'm only the messenger...hmm, anywho peace.
- posted by Kai @ 3/26/2004 11:21:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
The second year scramlble...
well, I finaly got my Gideon's road application all filled out and in on time. Now I sit back and wait too see if I'm accepted into the road...

Tyshya really sparked a thought into my head and its one I was also talking to Sara last night about, its the topic of religion. Most people that know me well know that I hate religion. Things like the Catholic church and other such organizations that take all that is Christianity and turn it upsidedown and make it just a collection of rules and traditions. This is what turns so many away from Christianity, when they look at the church this is what they see and its something I even stand as far away as I can from, but then there is the other end f the spectrum where you do what you want cause "eveything is covered under the blood" and though indeed this is true, to do wrong knowing quite well that its against the teachings of Jesus is dumb, I would rather live a life of purity and honor then live a life of lazyness and sin, just to have to repent later about everything I did that day...not to mention the fact that the world watches how we act..blahblah, you have hurd it all before I'm sure...

The point is to live in legalism is un-biblical, and yet religion is the highest point of legalisim...living by the letter of the law so strictly and yet forgeting the spirit of the law. Religion...this is the exact thing the Pharisees lives back in the days when Jesus walked the earth as a man. The Pharisees lived by the book in everything they did, and where very proud that they lived such "perfect" lives. They knew the books of Moses and knew his law and lived by it in every way...except when Jesus came on the sceen he rebuked them every chance he had....

why is this?

This about this for a second, because I think the chuch today has become alot like the Pharisees way back when, they walked around rebuked people for not following the law, totaly forgetting the spirit behind it...they where very proud when it came to how they lived and yet Jesus knocked them off their piller at every turn because they preached rules, but Jesus preached love. They preached condeming and Jesus preached the forgivness of the true God. Jesus taught Christianity, the Pharisees taught religion....something to think about. Jesus taught relationship, which is what Christianity is really all about, a relationship with the one true God.

...well, I should converse with the people whom have sat at the table with me now so peace out..
- posted by Kai @ 3/24/2004 10:38:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
The Ring, The Line...the ripoff!
lol, well I just got a sneek peek at the rings the januaries will be reciving tonight if they make the commitment to live a life of honor and they are getting some quality rings for sure!! Alot nicer then ours...maybe I could sweet-talk my way into trading my old one for a new one lol..well, maybe the ministry will be nice and get us some nice rings cause yeah the ring is only a reminder of the commitment we made but we're too wear the ring for the rest of our lives...it would be nice to have a nice ring lol...well, like I said we'll see.
- posted by Kai @ 3/22/2004 11:48:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
The Fellowship of the Ring x2
Yup, tomorrow night the January class will have the chance to join in the fellowship the the ring, the long line of H.A. students and alumni that have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of hono[u]r. To make that commitment and wear the ring is an easy thing, but the fulfillment of the commitment is not so easy.

The Ring. The Plan, Wisdom, Vision, Discipline, Leadership, Always Honorable For Life! The Ring, The Line.

and so it starts again, let us remember the commitments we make for we will be held accountable in times end...
- posted by Kai @ 3/21/2004 09:22:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Am I ready?
Am I ready? A question brought forth today in my rather short class. Now I sit in the silence if my own heart. Lord am I really ready? Am I ready to face the faces within the Unreached Peoples LTE? Am I really ready for Gideon’s? That’s the question…am I ready for this event I await. Lord if I’m not really ready show me now, so that when I walk into that…when I start down the road I am ready in my heart. It starts with the little things, I know this very well as it is quoted to my once an hour sometimes it seems…but its so true, it all starts with the little things…

I sometimes have no idea what I’m doing, what I’m seeking…what this is even all about. Sometimes I’m just sitting here in Texas wondering why I’m so far from home, asking myself why I did this to myself…I did this for the simple reason that my life was in the gutter spiritually, heck I didn’t even have a spiritual life at all before I came here…but now that I am here…am I really seeking God, or am I just letting the HA mold me into what they want me to be. I don’t want the HA to mold me I want God to mold me. I want to see what at God has for my life not what the HA thinks my life should look like. Yes I agree most of the things we do here are beneficial, if you have the right heart about it...and the right heart sometimes isn’t going all cheerfully into something and getting all worked up about how great it was and how much your going to get out of it…sure you might get something out of it…but is this year all for you? I grow spiritually for the simple reason that there are people in my life who I influence. I am a leader in this generation whether I like it or not and I have to step up, and step out…cause they aren’t going anywhere if I don’t lead them…if I don’t take that first step out of that box we call reality. I think our “reality” should be in the spiritual realm, and less in our physical.

Ah the things of this life, how simply complex it really is. The simplicity of the complexity of this life is so amusing I just want to laugh…because everything can be worded, put to words so easily but to life it is so much more difficult. That’s the challenge of this life. The challenge we see in the everyday when we say one thing and do another. We lie, not because we want to but because its so easy to say something and mean it with all your heart...then when that moment comes and the action is so much harder then the words it took to get you there where...you choke and stammer your way out. I think the more we start to realize that its easy to say things…but the action to coincides with the words spoke are much harder then the speaking of the words…we might speak less and act more. I think maybe I need to act these words out in my own life…though maybe the action based off these words is harder then I think…

- posted by Kai @ 3/15/2004 08:09:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
ug, Americans...
I'm sitting here talking about how the United States really isn't all powerful; hmm...ah, all I can think of is Rome, and the so many similaritys between it and the USA today. Its the blind pride of a powerful nation that is their downfall in the end...usualy from the inside out. And as the USA is so worried about everyone elses problems and the things going on in other countries...they are blinded to even the simple things going on in thier own country sometimes...murders are so commen down here that it doesn't even make the news when it happends...murders, rapes, suicide, declining education system. All the numbers they want to go down are going up...and the numbers they want up are going down...and the great Rome falls...I hear so often how "great" the united states of america is...and yet, from what I can see..the only thing that makes them great is their military power...rule with the iron fst over many and don't worry about the deaths and murders of the innocent thousands per DAY within your own borders.

Even as close as Canada is to communisim as some might like to think, with all of our government control of so much...last week I watched a CBC news report and they where reporting on how the murder rate in Toronto is getting out of hand with an alarming murder count of 11 now this year. ELEVEN!!! Try and tell me the USA is so great...heh...Toronto is our biggest city...rivaling the bigger cities in the US...only diff is people and leave thier doors unlocked without mich concern in Toronto. I come from a great nation that even with all its downfalls...we can at least keep our people alive. Now granted the USA's population is amazing greater then ours...so hey have to put more effort in....what can be done with the small can be done with the big...just on a larger scale.

People in the USA are so upset about the terrisim in the world, with a good cause for sure...but take a step back and really try and see where it all started...I really don't think it started as a religious thing, because they could have attacked any other country...heck, if a few of them came through the Canadian border like the Americans like to clame...they could have skipped out on alot of work and bombed the CN Tower or something....so why new york? Why the USA? Cause they are the biggest, they are the baddest...and they like to make sure that you know not to mess with them...then they are so shocked when people do and they can't do a dang thing about it. ...

I have to go to class, peace out.
- posted by Kai @ 3/10/2004 08:51:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Dreams
I want to tell you a story...it happend in a dream so it may sound a bit odd, but this is because my dreams are odd. So as you read this, have the image in your head...

Your in a room, ...more like darkness, and there is a man who speeks to you then you wake up. You wake up with a mission from this profit and you must find two things...you know where to find the first of them but you also know this isn't going to be easy...you are scared to get caught. In order to obtain your first goal, you must get deep into the upstairs of an all girls dorm. The next thing you know your in the dorm, sneeking around...its a good thing nobody has seen you, but your being very careful and making sure not to wander anywhere that could get you caught...or worse, make you stumble...you arive at the door, the one you remember from your dream with the man and you open the door and there it is...the thing you where looking for..the first objective. There is also a lady there and she leads you too where you will find the second of your two goals...now you are standing in front of the same dorm, now just about to head into the downstairs of the same dorm, but this time your whole outlook is changed...the goal is so important that you can't sneek around and play it safe..you walk up to the door, walk in and yell "MAN IN THe HALL!!" its a long hallway, the ladies scramble to pile into there rooms as your focus is on the door at the end of the long hallway. You notice suddenly that others have begun to follow you in, and as you walk down the hall you start to sence as though you are...leading these people into a new place...now your standing in front of the door and you walk into the room and you are alone...you notice you have found the object, the second goal. Then you blink and the room changes...now it has only one bed and you feel as though its the room of the leader...you know its the leaders room...you go to open the door and as you do someone is walking in at the same time, you recodnise the person as the leader of whos room you are walking out of and you await there questioning of why you where in there but he looks to you and says "sorry sir." as if you where his leader...you look beyond the person and take a look around the dorm, that has compleatly changed and is now a gathering place of both men and women...change brought on cause you walked in boldly....

Then you really wake up.

There is a great many things to gather from this, and seeing this was all from an hour nap I took after class today...and how impacting it was to my life and the things I learned from this one instance...I know God speaks through dreams, and He did once again today...its just so amazing. If you want to know my take on this dream just ask me, I don't really have the time to post my in debth study of this dream for you lol...but maybe if you ask I will answer.

Well, I love you all, peace.
- posted by Kai @ 3/09/2004 08:13:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Its times like this...
its times like this where I can sit back and just take it all in. Dreams are amazing but I think thats a topic for another time, I'm just...in a good mood. Gidieon's road is comming up real soon, next week is the week of the ring and this weekend if the tribal retreat. :) lots going in in life. but no time to go into much debth so I'll say my goodbyes now :P peace.
- posted by Kai @ 3/09/2004 03:33:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
In the vastness of the thought filled mind...
In this I think of leadership, I think of where I am, I think of where I'll be in a years time, I think of where I was in the beginning of this year and I just wonder to myself...am I truly worthy? lol, no. Praise the Lord I'm truly not worthy and the Lord is good and He helps me, its all Him and none of me. His love fills me so that I may love them.

I sit hear, listening to the softness of sweet songs written by a man by the name of Nobuo Uematsu, a composer who probably will never get the recodnition he so rightly deserves because he composed the music for a video game instead of a high budget movie. Sometimes I wonder how people do the things they do in a world that's so dermined to get recodnition for the things they do in this life. Everyone in this day and age has their own tower of Babel.

"Come," they said, "let's make great piles of burnt brick and collect natural asphalt to use as mortar. Let's build a great city with a tower that reaches to the skies--a monument to our greatness! This will bring us together and keep us from scattering all over the world."

Indeed we are reaching for the sky, but for who's glory are we reaching? Ah, indeed the question lies...if in all we do on earth is for ourselves, will we have any of it after our time on earth? You would think that after the Tower of Babel people might have gotten the clue...

In that way, the LORD scattered them all over the earth; and that ended the building of the city. That is why the city was called Babel, because it was there that the LORD confused the people by giving them many languages, thus scattering them across the earth.

No, God wasn't scared...though reading the scriptures its easy to get that impression. The whole idea was that man was doing so much for themselves...they forget about God, and they got into the notion that "This will bring us together and keep us from scattering all over the world" God gave them a wake up call, so that they would remember Him. Man was getting good as a whole, united but without God. Man can do many things on our own, but without God, just like the tower of Babel its useless.

So back to the point of my little blurb here, are we striving for high positions in life to glorify ourselves? Too show everyone else who we are and how great we are...are we building our own personal tower of Babel with our lives? Just a thought...

I think alot about how we as a human race live out our lives, how we live out everyday striving for something that's sometimes so distant...then when we reach that goal we strive for something else, never satisfied. While in school we strive to get into collage, while in collage you strive to get into the work force, while there you strive to hit retirement...while there you strive to just die...lol, maybe not quite like that but we're always looking so far into the future we sometimes forget that we are living in the now. We have it one day at a time and can I say something that might catch some people off guard? We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Ravolation I know but think about it, don't let that thought slip past you...we are not guaranteed tomorrow, who is too say we will wake up tommorow? I sometimes go to the cemitary to see Keath Green's grave just as a reminder of this fact. He died in an airplain accedent, one of hundreds he had done before...his death was so sudden. When we die, will we have a list full or regrets? Or, like Keath Green...will we be able to look back on our lives and see the fruit that our life produced...interesting thought...looking back on the life you lived down here...are we living everyday like it could be our last? Not in fear but letting that modivate you to exceed expectations for the glory of God, so when my day does come, no matter when it might be I will know that my Father will smile and say "Well done good and faithfull servant"

I feel a deep sorrow for those who don't beleve in the afterlife, in heaven spacificly, cause then what is the point? I wanna live for the glory of my God and got there and see Him and have Him tell me I've been a good and faithfull servent.

wow, I have been down quite a few bunny trails here I'm not really sure I know where I'm going with this anymore lol...same ol story, ah the makings of a good rant.

Well, I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead....peace out.
- posted by Kai @ 3/04/2004 08:34:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
In this mind
so I'm in a writing mood, in a day and age I seem to have no time to think, I wish I could write. I sit here mostly ignoring very good friends of mine cause all I want to do is write the mindless rants of a thought filled mind.

Then all at once the mind is blank. Thoughts of the useless things of everyday life filling this world stained mind and leaving me null...I just want to be with Him...

I just want to get away, but I have to go work...I just want to go pray but all I do is become social. I never used to be social, and now its the poison that fills this soul. Back when I had no friends I prayed so much more, even before I beleved in God I would pray, because nobody but the stars in the sky would listen...now everyone has an open ear and an open mouth...wishing to pour into you...but all I want is Him. I have a hunger that is so deep I am withering...malnutrition of the spirit, even in this place. I don't want to work today, but even if I didn't would I go and pray, maybe...I would probably just go sleep because in the end I'm still a world stained soul...and a sin stained body, made clean through Christ. If only I would just talk to Him. I want to get away, to be on my own and just spend time with Him. I want to be alone with Him...but sometimes I wonder if its truly possable.
- posted by Kai @ 3/03/2004 10:51:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Every time I sing to myself I think of You...
Everytime I think to myself the thoughts fill the void of this heart. The thoughts of You fill my soul and I'm at peace. Everytime I sing a song to myself I think of You, just a sweet little melody that starts low but picks up as my heart pours itself out to You. Its song gradifying, giving glory to the One and only who desurves everything this heart has to offer.

Everytime I think of You, my heart is filled with Joy.

-Kai
- posted by Kai @ 3/03/2004 10:39:00 a.m. (0) comments