Missionary Ashby pt. 3
One more day and then my trip starts

5:00am heading to the airport to meet missionaries...

ah, the life of a Mission Advisor :P

So, I think today is my last day officially in the kitchen...sad day it is but this day was coming was it not? Mexico will be amazing for sure but I can't seem to get this thought that once I get back...there is hardly any time left...

I get back the 8th by the look of it...

*sigh*

So right now class is going on for the Januaries and the Augests that are staying another year...

And I'm right here.

Hard as it is its pretty clear right now that I won't be staying for the coming August, going home. I'm so torn, one part of me is so crazy excited about going home and another is sad I am leaving and the better part of me is hungry...ug, need food! I slept though CA training again today...had alot of excuses thought out in my brain but in reality I think I have finally realized that I'm not staying in August so really...

I'll be doing it all over again anyway...

probably a bad attitude, just the way I feel right now...it'll pass.

I've been thinking alot about who I'll be hanging around with and what I will be doing once I get home

I have no idea...

The perfect plan would be to move in with James, Bev and Kristy...get a job in Ottawa and actually be self supporting for once...would be kinda cool but that doesn't look like its an option, I could just go back home and get a job close to home with my folks....but in the reality of it all I'm 20 years old and need to get out....ug, to much thinking for 8:30 in the AM...ug

so yeah, welcome to my world once again, love you all. Have a blessed day.

- posted by Kai @ 7/22/2004 06:22:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
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- posted by Kai @ 7/20/2004 05:58:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
kaimegos.blogspot.com
Just created a frontpage for all my journals (I seem to have a few now :P) I'm thinking of getting a domain name if I can get one for dirt cheap, maybe I'll talk to Erik...hmm
 
in other news...um, not much actually lol there is a concert going on right now, didn't feel like going really...more tired then anything
 
so yeah, O! You have to check this out!
 
Mario: A Series

its awesome guys! Really! So yeah...be strong my friends...God loves you!
 
ou, hold on a sec :)
 
so at church on sunday I was taught a little about prayer and it really made me think alot...why do some of our prayers not get answered?
The minister asked the question "Is it ok to pray for a kiss?" then asked something else...
 
"or is it better to lift up your lonlyness to Him and let Him take it..."
 
he talked alot about how we so often pray to make our will God's will somehow, instead of praying for His will to become reality in our lives and humbling ourselves into His service..ah, it was so good.
 
He talked also about a man who's wife was dieing, he prayed a prayer to God saying something like this...
 
"Lord my God, My will would want my wife to live and continue on but Lord have your will be done and nomatter what let me be satisfied in you alone..." (yeah, I think I buchered the actual quote)
 
She was taken up by the Lord, and he continued to be satisfied in the Lord...an answered prayer. Ah...so awesome.
 
Anywho, I just wanted to share that cause it was awesome :)
 
I also have few concerns at all these days and life is good! Yey! My only concern is for a month from now because I have NO idea how I'm getting anything home (like my amp, my bass...big things like that) Its going to be something for sure...hmmm
 
well, I won't worry and just hope everything works out lol. Love you all, peace to ya.

- posted by Kai @ 7/19/2004 08:58:00 p.m. (0) comments

 

- posted by Kai @ 7/17/2004 07:45:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Missionary Ashby pt.2 *Updated*
So in the on going story of my wanting to get out and "go" as Jesus said pretty clearly...it looks like I'm going to go to...

MEXICO!!!

- posted by Kai @ 7/17/2004 06:50:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
thoughts...yeah...again
"Every man gives his life for what he believes, and every woman gives her live for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing and yet they give there lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have, we live it and its gone. But to live without belief is more terrable then dieing. Even more terrable then dieing young." -Joan of Arc

"That man is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot


To live without belief, what a terrable waist of a life....even if this life where all we had, if this was it....what does one have to lose to have faith that there is something more? Something bigger then ourselves? To have faith then die into nothingness is inconsequensial, but to live without faith then die...then look into the eyes of your creator who only wished to love you in your life but all you did was turn away....I don't even want to think about that moment...

We can be pridful if we want, we have the free will but what if? What if? My faith will never kill me but the lack of faith may kill you...

To give what I cannot keep...

none of us can live forever in this life...none of us, you can't keep the treasures you hold onto so tightly after you are gone

To gain what I cannot lose...

to give your life to the one who created you for such a time as this...to gain a life everlasting in the awesome presents of the Lord...wow


I am a Christian....neh, not really. I don't like the name much. I am a follower of Christ. We are not the weak whiners that you have heard of...not the puny little prayers that cry at the sight of evil....you think we are weak because of our faith but I'm telling you that you are very very wrong. We gave our lives to the almighty and stepped into the eturnal battle for which we are no longer a prize to be won, the dansel in distress but now we are fighters. Not made weak by our bowing to a God, indeed humbling but in fact made strong within His power. YOUR SO PRIDEFUL! you think you have it all figured out but he sees you when your all alone, when you lay on your bed crying yourself to sleep because nobody cares. He does, and yet you turn your back on what may be the only being that would give a care about you in the world...and go on your own search to find your own way....He's stretching out His hand and you spit on it and turn again...looking to relationships and "love" to fill that void in your life but where did that leave you? Your back where you started and you don't know where to turn. You refuse to turn to faith because that would mean laying down that pride that you have been so busy building up all your life, and your discusted at those so called "Christians" that claim to be followers of God....Don't follow the Christians, as much as they are sopposed to be the light...we're not doing our job....instead look to Him, He who is perfect...who won't let you down...

Count the cost though...

Its your life, and its not easy...

once you have made the choice it doesn't get easer....many people will attest that indeed it get much harder...

Because now instead of being the hostage, the prize in the eturnal battle you are not a solder...massive weapons will be fired apon you and if you think this is a joke let me tell you something..

the battle is real...

but, if you are on God's side, if you follow His commands and stand your ground you can't be touched

The Lord is your protection...the one who created everything will protect you dearest...for you are the love of His life. He love you more then you could ever know

you may not beleve that, you may have never heard his sweet whisper of love in your ear...

only because you have turned a deaph ear to His song..

See Him.

You want to know what love is....

Dare to dream...the perfect lover, the love of God.
- posted by Kai @ 7/14/2004 09:05:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
I love my friends!!
"cause i swim in my clothes so i usually take one cause clothes are too tiring to swim in.. -_- "

I just realised to what extreme some of my friends go to for modisty....I love it so much

like, you have no idea, to not have to worry about your eyes being attacked because your friends dress a certain way is sooo nice.

This is in fact something I have been thinking about alot laitly...friends...

I had a small group of real good friends as well as a circle of people I would sometimes hang out with, but not for any major length of time to conciter them real good friends (in some cases I wish I had been better friends...there is still hope) and now, after one full year I'm comming back home...changed

What is this going to mean when I come home?

Like, I have a few amazing friends back home, James Beverly and Chuck being my closest and always most relyble. What is our relationship going to be like when I get home? I really have no idea. I mean...and the friends I have made here...I so want to keep in contact...ug! This isn't making any sence...

why, why o why do I get the feeling James just doesn't care anymore...what in the world? There is no real reason for this feeling. This is my most closest friend!! And I feel as though...I just don't know him anymore...its been a long time...and whenever I try to share my thoughts its all like "I Understand" I'm kinda looking for more of a comfermation that we are still indeed friends you know? What in the world? I'm probably looking too much into this, I'm just nervious about finnaly comming home for a few months I guess...I don't quite know what to do from there...I have to get a job and start looking for supporters for when I come back in January and my mission trip and whatnot....

what in the world...

I need Jesus...

I need to get saved and stop worrying.

Love yall.
- posted by Kai @ 7/12/2004 02:30:00 p.m. (0) comments

 

Ever feel like this? Like your all alone looking out onto the battle field?
- posted by Kai @ 7/11/2004 12:32:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
No Idea what to write about....
So I'm just sitting here just looking at a screen...in the epi center while listening to Jonah 33 and thats about it.

I have felt for a long time as though I've just been in a daze the past little while, as though no amount of sleep can wake me up, as though nothing I can do can fulfill this longing for more I have deep inside.

The danger I have noticed when taping into the thurst for knowlage, the thurst for more of Gos and following the road that leads you straight into the battle grounds is that once you tap into this...

there's no going back...

and you start to become used to being fed, so used to being taught and learning and getting so much from God that you start to feed off of it, its a good place to be for sure...but now my lazy side...my fleshy icy side wants to sit and do nothing as I would always do but every other part of my is fighting to do something different. One part of me wants to go finish this book I'm reading by C.S. Lewis while another wants to get started on this study of Acts I've been wanting to do while another side wants to get a good start on this weeks CA homework while yet another side of me just wants to write.

Guess which part is winning right now?

I just stumbled on the book I started writing last semester and was reading though it not long ago...its actually good..wierd I might continue it sometime after I finish my year here. And I have been really starting to think about writing a book about passion...or something, passion is just the thing that came to mind first...I have no idea why I would write a book and who would care but I don't know. Just seems like something fun to do. What do you people think? Honest answers now :P

One thing I really need to do is buckle down and really dive deeper in the Lord...I just feel as though I've been focusing on so much around me that I've almost...no I have been shunning the Lord for other meaningless tasks. Blah...hate it.

So I still need that thousand or so dollars...if you want to donate a few bucks that would be cool :) I felt bad today for buying some shampoo and seeing a movie today....who needs to be clean if I could be out there changing the world? lol...well..no I'm not that crazy...a stinky man isn't the best witness in most cases (unless I suppose your reaching out to the homeless living on the streets...hmm)

So recently I have realised that I get so angry at Christians more then anything...I mean you expect a sinner to sin but you expect a little more from a "Christian"...at least I do. But I remember back in the day (well, actually I remember reading about such times) when so many awful things where done in the name of God...*sigh* what in the world?!?!? Did these people even read the word of God at all? Doubtful at very best. Something about being a humble servant of all really got missed in most Christians..heck even myself *hits self with shoe* geh, dumb me! Anyway also just the little things as well...

So we have this unnammed incomming leader on campus comming through the line for dinner and well, he has a missianary tag on, o well....he's in the wrong place cause he's supposed to eat in the SAC, I'll just remind him and he'll go off and we'll all be happy...ug *slaps self from fairytale land* well, so I see the tag and remind him that he can't eat in the caf and he has to eat in the Sac as was expressed to all interns by Mr. Hasz himself and he's like "Well, I'm going to be gone for a week and I want to eat with my friends so I'm just going to eat here...besids I only got processed as a missionary today" sounds good. In fact he has good cause to want to eat in the caf exept for one thing....the one thing that has been pounded into our heads since we started this whole thing and this is why I'm angered that the situation even happened...

Integrety

The system is set up for a reason and some people eat in one place while others eat in another thus stated by the lead team...should there really be a question? We have numbers we have to keep as does the sack but thats not the issue...if your asked to do something you do it and stop with the whiny sob story about why you don't want too! I know this sounds harsh but lets take this into a slightly altered light

Lets take the same person and lets say that God himself asked him to do something he didn't really want to do...

I fear that in this same mindset that with the sometimes all so suttle voice of God that this individual whould plead with God Himself saying "But! It won't harm anything if I do it one way or another...nobody will be impacted eather way and I really just want to eat with my friends..." see my point? Let me make it a little more clear...

In the situation in the caf, in his mind there was no need to follow the guidlines set before him because he saw that nobody would be impacted by the desision of eating in the caf other then the sac therefore justifying a very very small and meaningless act of rebelion against the rules to be with friends he won't see for a while...

in the Bible, rebelion and whichcraft are in the same boat...and no sin is lesser or greater then the other...sin is sin...

I don't give a rip about the fact that he wanted to eat in the caf....this isn't the issue...its the fact that he sinned and waved it off for comfort you know what I mean? Its all about integrity...to do what is expected of us regardless of expedeancy..or..um, however you spell it

I'm not perfect by any strech of the imagination..heck I fall and fall and fall and only by the grace of God and His everlasting love that I'm made clean and am forgiven...I fall too..it just hurts to see someone sell there integrity for some time with friends you know? Friends are important for sure but what if God set someone in the sac for him to meet up with and minister to...just the questions of life I guess.

dang man...with the length of some of my posts I could write a book for sure lol...well, peace.
- posted by Kai @ 7/10/2004 09:18:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
"From the Desk of Kai"
Aug 21/03

Hey guys  k I’ve got some things I’ve gotta get straight with you peeps so please open your heart to what I’m about to put up here cause this is real important. You guys that read this are close to my heart and I’m kinda really need you to understand why in recant days I have done a few things I have done..as well as explain what I have been doing while here in Texas. First thing first though…and the bottom line of everything I write here will be this. I gave my life to God a few years back and took it as a free ride doing anything I wanted, but that will end, I have to start living for Him and realize that He has certain expectations of me that I must meet before I can do anything else. I must learn to be a man of Honor.

O, and another thing, I’m going to be posting some scripture and verses and stuff like that to help make my point and I strongly urge all of you, Christian or not, to find a Bible and read them..if for nothing else then so you can understand where I’m coming from ok? Kool.

First let me explain what I’m doing for those of you who don’t know I’m in Texas at a place called the “Honor Academy” as an intern for one year. It’s a Christian internship focused on changing Christian lives and molding young men and women into people of Integrity and Honor through many different means. Right now I’m going through the first week known as “Gauntlet Week” it’s a week that really pushes you mentally…physically and emotionally. This week is a week to grow in fellowship with your fellow Intern and prepare you to focusing this next year on the Lord and making it count for Him...(edit for length....just going over the lagistics of the week...)

Now the most powerful thing so far for me is the core, our core leader Bret is so cool, he’s really pushing us hard…he’s helping us to “Die to ourselves” as in live a life that’s not full of pride and lust and junk, to be pure and humble. Part of this process is a complete openness in your core. And I don’t know how to explain this feeling but here in the Honor Academy, I know right now I can trust any of these people with anything…especially my core. But it took me a long time, I listaned to them open themselves up totally and just totally humble themselves and just…wow, it hit me hard. These people are here to totally bring there relationship with God to a whole new level..this is where I come in. Now I came here quite honestly to just kinda walk it and not really take it to heart cause like common..with dumb rules like “no dating” and stuff like that what can I get from this? And I know a few of you are real angry at me, you think I did this just because they told me to, you think that I’m just like all the other guys out there that just comes into a relationship and says all the right things then ditches you when things are slightly uncomfterbal and dood, I’m not that man. I know I said a lot during the past few months and yes, I did mean them. I loved Lexi but at the same time I forgot about God, through that relationship I focused everything on her and nothing on God and I can’t do that anymore. Being here, being at this Honor Academy means that no, I can’t date…buts its not just some dumb rule, it’s a statement that for this year I’m going to focus everything on God. When I told myself that I couldn’t lie to these people and keep my relationship with Lexi to myself I asked God what I should do and he pointed me to a few things..one being something we learned the first session here…

Teen Mania Ministries Core Values
…
Integrity:
We are who we say we are, and we always do the right thing, regardless of expediencey.
And that’s not the only thing but really, how can I be a man of Honor, a man of God living in such a lie? Living with that Lie on my heart everyday would have killed me.

“God Hates those who lie”

So yes I did break it off with Lexi, not because I wanted to, not because I felt good about it but because in my heart I knew I had too. I have to finish this year, I know this now more then ever…God placed me here and He has a plan for me and that’s an awsome thing.

So ok, I’ve alked about the relationship thing, I know a few of you still refuse to see how I could do this..refuse to see why I did this…just please try to understand that I have a calling to be a man of God and I destroyed myself, I sinned and cursed and …so much before I came here but through God I pray for forgivness and I have repented…but I will not go back to that old life…I have to live biblicly for if I don’t and if I waist this gift that my Maker has given me…when I stand before God, what then? I live my life to expand the Kingdom of God.

I love you all, you are my friends, you are the people I can talk to when I am down, or when I’m excited or anything, you are the people that..I would hope would understand that this is not my life, if this where my life I would live it differantly but when I gave my life to God I gave Him everything…I gave Him this body to do His will, then I took it back and used it for my own lust and that’s not cool..this time I give Him everything and I will never weaver in this.

So yeah, I know you guys are asking “What happened to the Chris I knew?” and my answer is he is still here but dying, he is dying so that only God is left to mold and shape this body, this person, this soul into his will. Sure I’ll marry one day, but in His time, sure I’ll have kids and get a job but in His time and in His plans. I die to myself to become closer to Him, the one who gave this life to my I give it back to him.

I only Pray that you understand how powerful this really is and take these words and have them touch your heart in some way….I pray that the Lord touches you and opens your inner eye so you can see the Truth here today.

I came here today to hopefully put you at ease, and I know you hurt…Lexi I know you are in pain, Cheska I know you are hurting and are angry…and I know the rest of you all have high emotions about this and all I can say is seek the Lord and in Him you’ll find the answers. Lexi I seriously hope and pray you will reach out to him and not give up for you are an amazing woman and you just need to Find the Lord, truly find him then everything else will fall into place. It won’t be easy, in fact its going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do but if you do this, if you lay your life down for him and allow him to work in you you’ll find that peace..that joy you have been searching so hard for…

Just know that I’m still here, I’m here for you all, you might not see me onli as much cause I’ll be hardcore busy but I’m here as a friend and as a dood that wants to help out in anyway he can so yeah, guess I better end this now.

God Bless yall. L8rz.
,Chris

Wow, been talking and fighting and saying the same things all year...I think I just realised that its been almost one whole year since I got here....wow, its almost over people. Scary to think that I used to be that man, now I'm something totaly different...

what I find amusing it the idea that someone, more like a few people have told me that I'm running away from my battles, that I'm a "weak little boy" and looking back even to my first week here back last Augest...it never ended and finaly now is it over finally some peace...Cheska won't talk to me anymore, I'm hoping Rob took the hint and my real friends are still there and awesome! So, ah...I gotta get going yall...peace.
- posted by Kai @ 7/09/2004 02:18:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Battle
I don't know what this is but I can't let it stick, I can't let this feeling consume me very essence for if I do it has all been for loss. This feeling anger is deep, as though there is unforgivness and bitterness but from where or what I have no clue. So many things annoy me and anger me and I can't just give up the useless feelings for love. Love has become hard for me and as I SCREEM out to God all I hear is the stirn voice of the Father saying "you have forgotten" and with one month left in this place I now seem to call home I feel as though once again I'm starting anew. Afraid of what is to come, only wishing I could know what my next step is. The "friends" back home only become harsher, I now know that even those that claim to be friend are really foe in the heart.

Is it right to be this angry at a world full of sin and disgust? Why is it that the more I look to the world I get more anger and even hatred that rises up within me? Like a virus, a sickness I even try to dive down deep within myself and make sure that this is a holy ritchos anger and...I just don't know anymore. My passion has taken the better part of me and now consumes my life in a way I have lost control of Father take this and use it PLEASE! Its like the child that grew up too fast, he didn't realise that the war was so intence...his training wasn't enough but now he is in it....

I feel the war all around me, death meets me at every turn and I'm sick of it. We have already won this war, why do we still have to fight? I feel this power thats more then I can put into words...I have walked onto the battle field and just now realising that I needed to take more time to sharpen my sword...I feel as though I'm in over my head as though I'm looking up at the elephant archers with nothing but me and my sword....Lord I'm not ready, I can't do this! I'm in over my head I'm drowning in a sea of death.

Covered in blood I am, the foot comes down to crush me but somehow I can't be killed. Covered in blood I am nothing, yet still the enemy can't touch me...can I do the damage? Myself can I take on the army of evil? No, I look to the oncomming army and now I feel as though I'm stuck in the middle of a swarm of massive men with heavy swords all bashing there blades against me and though they can't have me I feel as though I'm just waving my sword around and maybe stricking a few down....I need the power of God to come down, to slay the enemy all around me that I might stand in the blood stained field alongside my saviour and stand in final victory....

final victory....ah, so nice...

but for now I clash swords with many a foe, seeking the Lord for the strength of a thousand men if not then to take on ten thousand demons. That I may be that demon hunter, to slay the many in the name of Jesus....

all in the Joy and Glory of the Lord.
- posted by Kai @ 7/06/2004 08:35:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Passion pt. 2
so I was watching some online video clips on cbc.ca today about Canada and the fight to get our own flag. Wow my friends, just wow...it was an intence battle ended by the Liberals just forcing the vote almost. I watched this one video where the Prime Minister was talking to a crowd of Legionares and was just about booed off of the stage for talking about the need for our own flag...

makes me think...

The Liberals has a few motives in that running, they wanted Canada to be its own country. With our own national anthum and our own flag...and the Prime Minister was very passionate about this as where the Liberals who backed him up, while the concervitives wanted to keep with the old traditional "Red Ensign"...

But my focus for todays post is that passion and that drive that abtained for us what we now see as our national symbol...a flag that tells all wherever we are that indeed we are Canadian...not British but Canadian. Our country now flyes a flag with the maple leaf in the center and 2 red borders because someone wouldn't let it go...wouldn't give up. Some said it was the french's voices for a new flag because they wern't British, some peoples view of Canada as a British colony still held on very strong...we are a pridefull people by nature...one person and his marry band of Liberals took it and wouldn't give up. The dream was there and now we are here with a name and a symbol seperating us from our past and pushing us into our future.

I know its just a flag but...

When the Queen visits Canada she doesn't see the Union Jack, she see's the maple leaf.

you know what I mean? We have come such a long way from British North America.

And in the wake of Canada Day and the US "Indepencance Day" I look back to the great white north and I smile. We didn't wage some great war against the an evil dictator...we more or less just evolved into one heck of a great nation.

and it was passion that drove it...and it was passion that led us to where we are today. Where we don't sing God Save the Quees as our anthum because dangit O CANADA! Where we don't fly the Union Jack because DANGIT WE'RE CANADIANS AND WE'LL BE SEEN AS SUCH!

We hold true to our roots and will never forget them but we will also always be known by all the world all our own.

I love being Canadian...I love it alot.

I wanna watch more vids, they are awesome...peace.
- posted by Kai @ 7/05/2004 04:12:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
I want to be home...
so today is Canada Day...I'm stuck in Texas.

I was trying to put up a huge map of Canada in the caf today, thought it would be fun and a nice little gesture to all the Canadians on campus and whatnot...but then you get the Americans...nothing makes me more angry sometimes...

people just laughing, others making smart remarks...nobody really gives a rip down here about Canada...heck I have had to spend all year trying to explane that we do in fact exsist...I love my country and to be down here is sometimes hard enough as it is...especially so far south where all too often all I meet up with is ignorance to other nations in general and a puffed up head about the "Super Power" of the world...whatever...I just want to be home celibrating with my family...I want to see the fireworks, I want to celibrate Canada.

Why do I just want to cry right now...I don't get it? Blah, this mourning didn't start out well...I need to go figure out what I'm doing for my defence...I'm giving up on Canada Day this year *sigh*
- posted by Kai @ 7/01/2004 07:34:00 a.m. (0) comments