"From the Desk of Kai"
Aug 21/03

Hey guys  k I’ve got some things I’ve gotta get straight with you peeps so please open your heart to what I’m about to put up here cause this is real important. You guys that read this are close to my heart and I’m kinda really need you to understand why in recant days I have done a few things I have done..as well as explain what I have been doing while here in Texas. First thing first though…and the bottom line of everything I write here will be this. I gave my life to God a few years back and took it as a free ride doing anything I wanted, but that will end, I have to start living for Him and realize that He has certain expectations of me that I must meet before I can do anything else. I must learn to be a man of Honor.

O, and another thing, I’m going to be posting some scripture and verses and stuff like that to help make my point and I strongly urge all of you, Christian or not, to find a Bible and read them..if for nothing else then so you can understand where I’m coming from ok? Kool.

First let me explain what I’m doing for those of you who don’t know I’m in Texas at a place called the “Honor Academy” as an intern for one year. It’s a Christian internship focused on changing Christian lives and molding young men and women into people of Integrity and Honor through many different means. Right now I’m going through the first week known as “Gauntlet Week” it’s a week that really pushes you mentally…physically and emotionally. This week is a week to grow in fellowship with your fellow Intern and prepare you to focusing this next year on the Lord and making it count for Him...(edit for length....just going over the lagistics of the week...)

Now the most powerful thing so far for me is the core, our core leader Bret is so cool, he’s really pushing us hard…he’s helping us to “Die to ourselves” as in live a life that’s not full of pride and lust and junk, to be pure and humble. Part of this process is a complete openness in your core. And I don’t know how to explain this feeling but here in the Honor Academy, I know right now I can trust any of these people with anything…especially my core. But it took me a long time, I listaned to them open themselves up totally and just totally humble themselves and just…wow, it hit me hard. These people are here to totally bring there relationship with God to a whole new level..this is where I come in. Now I came here quite honestly to just kinda walk it and not really take it to heart cause like common..with dumb rules like “no dating” and stuff like that what can I get from this? And I know a few of you are real angry at me, you think I did this just because they told me to, you think that I’m just like all the other guys out there that just comes into a relationship and says all the right things then ditches you when things are slightly uncomfterbal and dood, I’m not that man. I know I said a lot during the past few months and yes, I did mean them. I loved Lexi but at the same time I forgot about God, through that relationship I focused everything on her and nothing on God and I can’t do that anymore. Being here, being at this Honor Academy means that no, I can’t date…buts its not just some dumb rule, it’s a statement that for this year I’m going to focus everything on God. When I told myself that I couldn’t lie to these people and keep my relationship with Lexi to myself I asked God what I should do and he pointed me to a few things..one being something we learned the first session here…

Teen Mania Ministries Core Values
…
Integrity:
We are who we say we are, and we always do the right thing, regardless of expediencey.
And that’s not the only thing but really, how can I be a man of Honor, a man of God living in such a lie? Living with that Lie on my heart everyday would have killed me.

“God Hates those who lie”

So yes I did break it off with Lexi, not because I wanted to, not because I felt good about it but because in my heart I knew I had too. I have to finish this year, I know this now more then ever…God placed me here and He has a plan for me and that’s an awsome thing.

So ok, I’ve alked about the relationship thing, I know a few of you still refuse to see how I could do this..refuse to see why I did this…just please try to understand that I have a calling to be a man of God and I destroyed myself, I sinned and cursed and …so much before I came here but through God I pray for forgivness and I have repented…but I will not go back to that old life…I have to live biblicly for if I don’t and if I waist this gift that my Maker has given me…when I stand before God, what then? I live my life to expand the Kingdom of God.

I love you all, you are my friends, you are the people I can talk to when I am down, or when I’m excited or anything, you are the people that..I would hope would understand that this is not my life, if this where my life I would live it differantly but when I gave my life to God I gave Him everything…I gave Him this body to do His will, then I took it back and used it for my own lust and that’s not cool..this time I give Him everything and I will never weaver in this.

So yeah, I know you guys are asking “What happened to the Chris I knew?” and my answer is he is still here but dying, he is dying so that only God is left to mold and shape this body, this person, this soul into his will. Sure I’ll marry one day, but in His time, sure I’ll have kids and get a job but in His time and in His plans. I die to myself to become closer to Him, the one who gave this life to my I give it back to him.

I only Pray that you understand how powerful this really is and take these words and have them touch your heart in some way….I pray that the Lord touches you and opens your inner eye so you can see the Truth here today.

I came here today to hopefully put you at ease, and I know you hurt…Lexi I know you are in pain, Cheska I know you are hurting and are angry…and I know the rest of you all have high emotions about this and all I can say is seek the Lord and in Him you’ll find the answers. Lexi I seriously hope and pray you will reach out to him and not give up for you are an amazing woman and you just need to Find the Lord, truly find him then everything else will fall into place. It won’t be easy, in fact its going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do but if you do this, if you lay your life down for him and allow him to work in you you’ll find that peace..that joy you have been searching so hard for…

Just know that I’m still here, I’m here for you all, you might not see me onli as much cause I’ll be hardcore busy but I’m here as a friend and as a dood that wants to help out in anyway he can so yeah, guess I better end this now.

God Bless yall. L8rz.
,Chris

Wow, been talking and fighting and saying the same things all year...I think I just realised that its been almost one whole year since I got here....wow, its almost over people. Scary to think that I used to be that man, now I'm something totaly different...

what I find amusing it the idea that someone, more like a few people have told me that I'm running away from my battles, that I'm a "weak little boy" and looking back even to my first week here back last Augest...it never ended and finaly now is it over finally some peace...Cheska won't talk to me anymore, I'm hoping Rob took the hint and my real friends are still there and awesome! So, ah...I gotta get going yall...peace.
- posted by Kai @ 7/09/2004 02:18:00 p.m.