ou...
so I'M a buggerhead now huh JoJo?

well..your a...your a...FUZZYPURPLECHEEZEMONKEY!!! And we're talking like moldy blue (not supposed to be blue) cheeze here you! :P:P:P:P

lol, take that JOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJO!!!!

,Ashby (The war has begun :P, and Canada has already won)
- posted by Kai @ 2/24/2004 09:00:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
So its been a while...
so its been a while since I have really posted some meat on here (curses keyboard under breath then repents afterwords)

So the topic of today is something I was going to comment on after monday...and then I stopped myself. I had to make sure before I got all wrapped up in the emotions of the moment that this was real...that this wasn't just something I realise then discard like so many things I learn but actually something that hit my heart...not just my emotions...here we are almost a week later and I have evaluated my heart and I am at peace I now I think I want to share my thoughts with you all, and just for the heck of it lets actually go into detail :)

Yeahyeah, I'm a story teller, this one will be quick....k close your eyes and imagine this...um, wait...scratch that...open your eyes so you can read this but be picturing it in your mind...for those of you in Selfless it won't be hard :P

Its monday night and you just got off work, excited about core and what your CA is going to pour into you tonight, you read on your white board that you are to meet as a core on the lobby proply at 9:15pm and your even more excited because this means your CA has something planned...as in not just another in the room lession. So you meet with your core at 9:15 and you look in the eyes of your core advisor, he's in his CA mode and you can't really read him...you smile cause he's good at keeping what he's up too secret till the last min. But then you look to Erik and...suddenly something wasn't quite right...but you just let it slide.

Your instructed to move on outside, once out there Brett makes in very clear in his way that we are to take this very seriously and that we are to keep in a spirit of worship, thats cool :) so you then follow him a little ways and he stops and we all circle up and worship, the worship is good, and Brett pleads with God to anoint this night and to be with us...then we walk again, this time in the gazebo and we all sit, and nobody speaks as we watch Brett prepare to speak. Then you look to him as he gets down on one knee in the middle of everybody and prays before he speaks...

And this is where my story stops...

That night we heard some things that needed to be heard...some things where said that needed to be said...and not once had we been confronted like that. And it was love...pure love that fuled the passion Brett spoke with that night, a holy anger that riled up inside of him that rebuked us that night. It was incredible...

Tonight I want to talk to you not about what Brett said that night, not even how he said it...in fact it wasn't really anything he said at all that prompted this in my life. Tonight I wan't to share with you the moments after our core meeting that night...and how it was one of the turning points in my life...tonight I wan't to talk to you about why we are here and who we are...as humans...as Christians...

After Brett said what he had too he left the gazebo, and most of us stayed to ponder what was said, to pray, or just to watch the stars go by...alot was said but it didn't hit me much, so I prayed. I prayed that God would break my heart, I prayed that God would show me right then and there where I had gone wrong. I prayed to God telling the father I would not leave that spot in the cold night until I was changed, until my heart was changed and I had gotten what I was supposed to out of that night. And as I prayed the Holy Spirit came and I prayed harder, pushing into God harder then I have had in a good long time...then suddenly I looked to the stars and the one word that would forever change my life slipped from my mouth as if it had been trying so hard to for so long, it was like a great victory...this word was Love.

and just for a slight brief moment I knew why, I knew I had been going about everything wrong...I had forgotten that one little word that is the center of everything in creation...Love

I remember when I first got here, I saw all these people who loved God so much, my first reaction and the thought I have been living with since the beginning is..."I want that" I wanted what they had, these people who have known God for so long..then little me who has been running from him for even longer...I wanted to have what these people had...I wanted it so bad...I wanted God in my life so much...and thats what the HA promissed so I poured myself into the HA as much as I could. I followed all the rules and yes I slipped up from time to time but dangit I was going to get God here, I was going to hear God's voice here, I was going to make sure that I God everything of God that I could while I was here. I was going to learn leadership heck, I was going to even go down Gidieans road because I wanted to get as much out of this year as possable. Chris was going to be the ideal Christian as long as he did everything the HA told him...Chris was going to get all these things because he was following God...

are we starting to see the problem yet?

Monday night it hit me so hard I couldn't move for a long time afterwords in awe of how dumb I was...and lets face it, how small I am...The whole reason we where created was for one thing and one thing only...and its made pretty clear by Jesus when he tells us that the first greatest commandment is to Love God! DEVINE REVOLATION!!! All these usless things I do to better myself is worth absolutly nothing!!! I'm supposed to Love God and Love people and the reason that I capitalise Love is because God is Love...I have been doing everything for Chris...for myself, to better myself to I could get what the others had...because Chris wanted it...now I see the bigger picture...God created us to love Him, we have free will so we could Love him freely, and to think He loved us so much to send His only son to die for us...he loves us so much more then we could ever love Him and yet I forgot all about just loving Him...

I preach all the time about not using God as a vending matchne then I go to my prayer closet asking for Him to stresh me to teach me. I ask Him to send me a vision or to help me with an issue...never just sitting back and just basking in His glory..never once just loving Him with everyhting that I am...

the first and second greatest commandments are to love God and to love others....through this all else will follow. If we forget this then all the teachings and all the preachings and all the divine messages in the world arn't going to do a dang thing. We need to just stop trying to complicate our lives with the meaningless junk and just do what we where created to do...to love Him. And to love His creation, the ones we share the world with.

Well, this has been my revolation in life this week...my little life changing event...I now have to go to bed.

I love you all, I mean it. I really really do. Be at peace and meditate on this...

Blessings from above to you all.

,Chris
- posted by Kai @ 2/20/2004 08:45:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Chewed out, and rememberance.
well, whatever...this was once a longer post but after talking to the indivitual....well, I'm still talking to him so we'll see how this goes... Peace.
- posted by Kai @ 2/18/2004 07:39:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
JoJo....o no...
O no JoJo, she was going to write about me in her Xanga so I decided to blog about her...so...umm...hi...JoJo...*blink*

hehehe, so yeah, having fun..eating Rox my face off! lol...just came out of my three day Purpose LTE and feeling fine..the Lord is good :) people can't tell me the Lord isn't real when its so dang obvious He is...like common guys!
anywho, not really much to say right now...dinner is really stinken good tonight

so yeah...JoJoJoJoJo!!! peace out!
- posted by Kai @ 2/16/2004 04:14:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Totals:
Sanguine: 10 Choleric: 0 Melancholy: 10 Phlegmatic: 20

http://www.xenoscleveland.org/temperaments/temperament_test.htm
- posted by Kai @ 2/12/2004 07:52:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
the poem
I can't think, the words don't come
thoughts in my mind, I've become numb
and yet as I sit hear and write
i remember my sisters this night.

i just sink, the blessing has come
thoughts fill the void, I begin to hum
a little tune I sing then I write
this song to my sisters this night.

I sing a song to remember those
who have always kept me on my toes
and in the times of darkness they where there
to lift me up, with a smile and a dare
to dream as big as the One almighty
even when we are to small...so tiny

I sing a song, I write this poem
and indeed His love is in them
I only wish that I could be
that big brother for them to see
the reflection of there blessing
a mirror of the love and givings

and though this rhryme isn't great
and although I'm in this odd little state
I remember my sisters

Happy Valentines Day ladies, may God be your awsomest valentine ever.

From your big bro, Ashby.
- posted by Kai @ 2/12/2004 11:17:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Poem?
Its interesting how there are so many times I want to write a poem yet never have that little extra push too so I don't...then I'm told to and thats the little extra push...then I really don't know what to write...just odd.

but thats all I wanna say about that. What I wanted to go on briefly about is Rob. And yes this is going to be brief. Now, I know I have always been sorta mean to him in my crass humor with him in the past and whatnot...and maybe now I'm just seeing it like the reflection from the mirror right back at me but...Rob's little quick side notes about me and how he feels about me are...beginning to be kinda hurtfull...then he likes to state we're still friends. First of all I don't really know if he is to be quiet honest, because if he's just holding on to this friendship as part of some feeling of time earned connection...if his heart isn't in the friendship and if those comments are in actuallity just his true feelings auobt me comming camoflaged in a sort of crass humor...I don't want him to feel as though I'm holding him in some sort of contract and if he breaks it I'm going to break his kneecaps or anything like that.

Chuck says I have the soul of a poet, meh...maybe I do or maybe I don't but it was so nice of him to say that and ment a hole lot to me that he did...and for Rob to take that nice thing and just distroy it...I donno...there are times in life where maybe things should just be left to the natural peace that they have been laid out in. Its like a nice peaceful little pond, so gentle and delicit...then some kid takes a big ol slab of concrete and tosses it into the pond...disturbing the peace and leaving a big ol ugly slab of concrete in the middle of the pond for all to see.

and yes, I am an advocate of crass humor too...and I'm trying t cut down on it...but maybe, maybe sometimes we need to be mature and look to people with some more respect and remember that...we're not in high school anymore. Though sometimes we wish we where...sometimes we wish we where 17 years old again without a care in the world but we're not. We're 18, 19, 20 years old...we're out of high school and we're grown up...supposedly more mature. So lets be that.

Anywho..I guess I still have to write this poem...guess I'll have to do that later.
- posted by Kai @ 2/12/2004 09:01:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
The continuence of an insane mumbling rant...
So after a class of teachings of faith...I am at peace. Before class I was shot with a holy anger at the simple complexity of a world's lie then I remember this one fact. That all some people think Christianity is is a religion...heck even most Christians take it as such...a religion. I hate religion. Christianity is not about that, its about that personal relationship with your creator. Plain and simple. In a world where Christianity has sprouted from catholisism I can see how we have dived so deep into religion we have lost all sence of what a true relationship with the one true God is...it makes sence...but that doesn't make it right.

And now we live in an age where people deny God because they don't want to be bound by the rules of religion. People rebel because they want to be in control...and yet...

They still want to be loved...

we all want to be loved, its in our nature as we are created in the image of God, heck even God Himself wants to be loved..thus the reason of our creation and the reason for our free will. Because he wants us to love Him freely. The part that is interesting about God is the fact that God loves us even when we spit in His face and turn our backs. As many people have.

Where is God...

the question we all ask ourselves...Christians I think ask this question more then the unbelevers...because we fall into the trap of religion and get trapped my religious law and complacency. And yet if your seeking Him and loving Him and loving people and just being real...God is there. You see God and you'll see that indeed He loves us more then we could ever imagine.

And the sceptics cry out...

meh, you know what though? Indeed God's heart is to have a relationship with everyone, and when the time comes all will bow down to worship Him...everyone. This fills me with a sence of joy but at the same time...

we all have a purpose...

if your living for God, loving Him and loving people...as you seek His face you start to see why you where created...yes my friends, having a relationship with God can give you the answer to the question "why am I hear" because we are all created with a purpose. Sad part is, most of us never live out that purpose cause we're too busy worrying about our own petty problems. Thats right folks...your own petty little problems that you think are sooooo big, but they are really nothing. Look somebody in the eye who is living in the ditch without a friend or any family in the world and tell them your huge problem and I'm sure you'll get an interesting responce. The thing is its so easy for God to take those problems and turn them around, to make them work for you instead of against you and yet...we just wollow in our own self pitty. Cause our problem is much to big for the creator...the God who's outstreched hand is larger then all the universe...yeah, tell that to the starving kids across the sea.

I sound angry...

yep. because people like to sit and be depressed with life..because they can't find a girl or they might not be able to afford next weeks rent or whatever...and yes a few of these things are worthy problems in life but why not take it up with the One who created you and you might find out why something is happening or that he has been trying to give you what you need the entire time...he just needed you to ask.

"But I don't beleve in your God..."

Thats ok. Cause he still beleves in you and loves you anyway...and when your in that time of need and you choose to do it your way again and the effects of your choice get you through in the moment...just so you can once again be stuck in it the next month...he will weep with you and cry out to you to just give that situation to Him. When you cry so does He...for He loves you more then you will ever really know. And when you truly give that up to Him, when you truly see that a relationship with the creator is worth more then anything of this earth..when you finaly see that God isn't just the big vending matchine in the sky and that its a two way street...you will see Him.

Where is God?

God is in love. For God is love.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea...its just the emotion of the day I guess.

How does one obtain this relationship with the creator?
Just ask Him into your life...not by words but with your heart...seek Him and he will come to you. Gather into Him and He will gather into you. And though the enimy will try hard to make you fall and make you stumble away...always remember that God is love. That He will lift you up and take you to that safe place.

I love you all. Peace be with you today and always.

Serving in Faith,
Chris
- posted by Kai @ 2/11/2004 10:42:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
In the insane mind if an insane being....
it takes something very special to think the way I do...sometimes I tend to think of that form of special like the kind of special that rides on the short bus to school. I don't know where my ramblings come from, its not like I speak as well as I write. In fact its not like I speak what I write at all...where does it come from?

The thoughts in this mind are so random but there is a focus, even if you don't see it I do.

Why can you beleve in evolution when its even more impossable then the idea of a creator? These are the questions that run through my head as I talk to people, as I try to understand how they can beleve something that...is false.

The world lies to us, thats why. The lies of the world are sweet sounding and make us think that we are in fact in control...our own creators.

Jesus was real, it has been proven...he fulfilled over 300 proficies written over 200 years before he ever came down to earth...do the research...read the Bible and you'll find out the truth...and yet the truth is hard to take in because there is some level of faith that is needed...but howcome it is so much easer to beleve in a theroy that has been proven invaled a hundred times over then in truth that when people try to disprove it...it ends up bringing people to Christ because it proves to be true.

Take Josh McNowl for instance (name might not be spelled right) he sought out after university with one goal in mind...to disprove and basicly mock the Bible but in the stages leading up to him writing his book "evidance that demands a verdict" he found out tha indeed the Bible is factual and it is truth. It has happend over and over and yet people won't...why? because the lie is so comforting in a world that loves its lie.

"I don't need God, he has never done anything for me" no kidding, He loves you but you won't let Him in so of course he's not doing anything. The two things he askes before anything is to love Him and love people. You know what? If its all about you then go ahead and live the lie, but you know what? Its not about you. Its not about what He can do for you and what you can get out of Him. He is not a vending matchine my friends He's a loving awsome GOD. He wants a relationship with you, He doesn't want to just give you what you want so you can forget him and go on your marry way.

I don't get it...but now I have class so I'll continue later.
- posted by Kai @ 2/11/2004 08:50:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
writing ramblings
I’m just in the mood to write. Though I can’t really say its in a story kind of mood, I just feel like writing. And in the mindless rantings of a thought filled mind full of nothing but meaningless quotes and mindless chatter. I find that spot that remains clean and quiet. I go to that spot at peace with my thoughts and my feelings and I just sit. Never knowing what will come through the fingers that I type with but just letting them go. No fear of anything for who is really going to read this? And yet in the back of my mind there is still that noise. Beyond this place of peace that I love to be in is the world that cries out to me, the world that tries so hard to shatter this peaceful little place I like to crawl away too. The world starts to pound on the door to my little room and my eyes shoot open and I remember that indeed I’m still here amongst such chaos that sometimes I wonder how anyone finds peace. I try to find a new place for peace and rejoice when I find yet another corner. And I sit in my peace, until the world comes to tare me down again. I look up as I hear the noise come closer to the door of my secret place and I draw closer to the shadows, hoping it will pass me by. Wishing the world would just miss me, if only for another minuet or two. Then as I sit in my quiet space, the rumblings of the world just stop and for just that moment everything stops

“true peace is in me”

you hear the voice but you try to shut it out, for the voice disturbs the quiet. But the peace of the quiet you once knew turns bitter as you ignore the voice trying to speak to you. Then the noise comes back and crashes though the door of your quiet place once again and you run. You run again, looking for another secret place, somewhere to just be alone.

You stand there, your sword resting on the ground as you are tired from the battle, trying so hard to find a place to rest from the battle. The world has you trapped and you look all around trying to find a way to escape. The battle is lost and you drop the sword to the ground. Tears run down your blood stained face as you release you can’t do it alone. You scream in anguish as you remember the days in your quiet place alone. The world never left you alone and in this moment you just want to give up and let them take you, what is the point in fighting?

“true peace is in me”

you hear the voice, so silent you almost miss it but so strong it shakes your body and you look up to the sky to see your Father’s outstretched hand. You look all around you and pick your sword back up, your shield on your other arm and you take your Father’s hand and suddenly the world is struck down. After the battle is won He leads you to a secret place and you invite Him in and you sit together and talk. The peacefulness of the quietness so amazing you never want it to end. But the world was angered by its loss and has come looking for you once again and you look to your Father with pleading eyes not to let this time end. He smiles and kisses your forehead and hands you your sword.

“true peace is in me”

he tells you this again and you ready yourself for battle. You look too your Father and He smiles before pushing open the door. You smile at the sight of your Father’s fury against the world and you are suddenly at peace as you release that He will always have victory. In those times in your secret place you can be at peace…but also in amongst the heaviest of battles you are at peace because you have won…for He has won for you.

- posted by Kai @ 2/09/2004 09:20:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
Family
Unsure of what to speak, on a computer unfamilier to me...after a weekend with friends...at a home with a family, I think back and miss that thing called family. Indeed we are all family but I miss the closeness of blood.

My sister and her popularity until she gets home and you see she's just some normal girl with normal problems, my brother who's so lost he forgot where he was going and is now wandering without aim into the darkness. My mother, whom I love with the best part of my heart. She is the woman in my life and I adore this person and yet...even in the times we talk the deep stuff of our lives, even when we fool, even when we kid around I see that thing she wants...even if she thinks she has it all right now. She wants to be loved, and its nothing she can find from myself or dad or anyother human being on this planet. Then my father, who spends his life in serventhood and is now starting to dispise it very deep in his hart, this a man who's passion is knowing how things work...how things came to be...and yet always missing the truth. He cannot beleve that there is one God that created all...and he has his reasons...could it be his mothers death that..even when he tries to tell us its not an issue, even after all these years its still something that pains him so much. What pains him even more now I think is the fact that he spent our entire lives pushing into our heads that smoking is bad...because thats the thing that killed my grandmother...and then my mother and brother start and as much as dad protests they continue. I think maybe somtimes if you press to hard it will end up rebeling...don't you think? But in the same aspect my folks never cared if we drank or not and I fell into that as well way back when so...where is the balance?

The balance is in Christ...

and yet my family worries about themselves...my mother worries about how my brother looks to others more then she worries about the sin he falls into...my sister to worried about boys and friends then her grades in school or her future...my father stopped caring because we as a family are lost...and now instead of being the leader he's the impatiant watcher...taking the role of dictator when a voice needs to be used that demands attantion. My brother...so close to finding something...perhaps the farthest away and the closest to finding the teasure...cause yes he is far away, but unlike the rest of the family he wants to find the treasure...and he has hints and parts to the map...he just needs guidence.

And I'm here...

This is me, this is where I am. I'm a follower of Christ in amongst the lost...trying hard to be a light...be the fire within the storm. Thats what going home is like sometimes....trying to be the blazing light of a burning fire within a downpour...its hard...

and yet I can do all things though Christ...the one who gives me the strangth. So one day my family will see and they will give there lives to Christ one day...one day....

Family...Lamad Ohana I love you all, and truly you are my family in Christ...my Church back home needs fire under there butts and when I look around I start to see that you people...you are my true family. and beleve me when I say I worry as much about you as I worry about the blood...my blood family. We are blood as well bros and sisters...covered in the blood of Christ...

James...Bev, you are the link, my little peace of the body back home of whom I will never forget and I love you both, don't you dare ever forget that...not that I'll ever let you :P but really, you two are the ones that keep me in check while home and I pray you continue to do so. Thank you :)

well, I better head off cause I have to wake up early tomorrow. peace.
- posted by Kai @ 2/08/2004 09:04:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
WAKKA!!!






Which Final Fantasy (IV-X) Character are you?


by steevi

Awsome, I'm one of my favorite characters :) I usualy don't do these but hey, it was fun :P
- posted by Kai @ 2/04/2004 04:13:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
hmm...
thing won't let me just publish...
- posted by Kai @ 2/03/2004 06:55:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
The Ski Trip
yeah, so last weekend we went on the ski trip, here is a few moments I remember that will be written in story kinda mode :P just cause thats my fav way of writing.

Your sleeping on the floor in your room at the inn in Colorado, you wake up to see Brett's face and your startled, you shake off the groggyness and realise he was just waking you up cause its time to get in the shower and clean up before quiet time and worship. So you do your stuff and then spend some time with the Lord and your just blessed that you can. You watch as Denver walks outside and you see the snow...and your heart races just slightly and you grab your shoes and walk outside and the sight takes your breath away. You see the mountains in the distance and the snow on the ground and you just pray to God thanking Him for everything. Then as you look to your side you see at the other end of the building someone simply prasing God. And your heart is filled with a great joy. Its the most beautifull thing in the world too see someone just worshiping God..and you think to yourself wow. That moment will stick with you for a long time, a worshiper amungst the snow with the moutains in the background. Its incredable.

Now you take a step into the slight past and your in the front seat of a car, just heading to Colorado...no, before that your standing there as Brett gives you the list of what car people will be riding in. You take in the names and one name makes you take a second look and you glare up at God slightly because you know what He's trying to do and your not amused. Now your sitting in that car, Pat is driving and your just taking it in. Its odd because you have avoided this one person for almost the entire internship because...you really don't know, maybe this person just gave you a bad feeling...maybe it was fear. Yeah, you finally admit it was fear...because you felt as if you would clash right away. And yet, as you listen, as you talk and take in this person's wisdom, or sometimes just taking in this person's personality, your starting to realise that maybe...just maybe prejudging is wrong. And that you missed out on a few months of what might of been a cool friendship...but now is the time for beginnings and you start anew.

In this weekend I learned alot, its odd cause I came on the trip to kinda get away from the lessons I have been learning and the growing, I just kinda was excited to just be lazy but in all that I found out that I learned alot more about myself in a few days then I did in a long time here...its kinda crazy but you know...on trips like that its the relaxed atmosphere that alows you too get to know people quicker...at least those are my thoughts. I mean, getting to know Anny, or seeing Rechelle worshiping or talking with Pat or watching Caroline just be herself, or bugging Brett or talking with Tiff or...just being amused at how Brent is when he's in his zone. Its amazing. The people you hang with all the time, or at least see everyday you never really know untill you take them out of the walls and away from the sceduals and just take a road trip somewhere.

It was so amazing to get to know you guys and gals, the people that went on the ski trip had fun, and at last for me it was truly a growing experance. And I'm excited to see where these new found relationships go and other stuff like that.

Well, I better head off, have a few more things to do before my 9:00 exercise :) peace out.
- posted by Kai @ 2/03/2004 06:25:00 p.m. (0) comments