"At times life shows you a grain of hope but then we take it and wish for bread...there is no bread...not even the grain for these things are held to close to ones own heart when instead we shall look above and see the fields of grain and the many loaves of fine bread."

I dunno, for some reason I just opened up Lexi's name in AIM and typed this...I have no idea why...no idea where it came from. She'll never get it just odd. I mean, we have pretty much came to the conclusion that Lexi and I will probably never see each other anywhere again...for the simple reason of I can't share my life with someone that doesn't share my faith. I Can't share my life with someone who doesn't share my passion. I can't and I won't. Its funny though, as much as I have tryed to distance myself from her eyes, to keep anything of me away from her she still doesn't let go...even with Cheska telling her I'm a well, I can't really repeat what she calls me but needless to say I'm not lifted up...she won't let go, this troubles me because I know there is no hope for us, because of the reasons I stated...and yes I'm cursed by the promises I broke, the promises I made in vane as I am punished for breaking my word I take it in joy that I have been wiped clean of my sin...Lexi is under attack, she needs somebody to lift her out of the pit and it can't be me. I've been made clean in the blood of Christ...where is her clensing? She knows of God, she even tryes to beleve...but who has been sent into her life to lead her into the right path?! Who has been called? I ask them in the name of Jesus to answer that call and go to her now and lead this girl into the salvation of Jesus Christ! For I fear for her...in the Lord there is no fear says the Bible and yet here I stand fearing for this single life. Because I have been there before. That is what brought us so close so fast, I related...I understood her and I wanted her to see joy, to see peace again but I tryed to show her the joy and peace Jesus gave me though me, throgh my selfish works and in the end I ended up in a relationship with her instead of her having a relationship with Jesus...I wanted to show her life instead I showed her my life. She saw the light inside of me and wanted that light, I led her in the wrong path and in the end it ended up in heart. I missed the calling I had, whoever is called to lead her to Christ don't make the same mistake I made...its not for you. Its not so she can find another human relationship before she has a relationship with the one true God! Yes I'm a radical PRAISE GOD but I pray for this one life cause I know the pain...I feel the pain inside that can only be healed though the blood of the Lamb...the blood of Jesus Christ.

At times life shows you a grain of hope but then we take it and wish for bread...there is no bread...not even the grain for these things are held to close to ones own heart when instead we shall look above and see the fields of grain and the many loaves of fine bread.

At times life shows you just the speck of hope, and we wish for so much more and we try to fill the void with love, but untill the void is cast away by the Creator of love...the void will always be to deep for us to fill...and when we try to fill it it will only get deeper.

Lets have God cast away the void, then after that lets seek the truness of love in all its joy.

Lets look to the vast fields of everlasting love before we look to the speck of love that is earthly...the everlasting love that is Christ Jesus, the everlasting love that loves every human being on this earth equally and without favour.

Answer the call people, so many people have a void so large it consumes there lives, is the focus of everything they do; this longing for something that drives everyone is laid to peace in Jesus...why can't we see this? I've seen it because I have lived it...seen that void and tryed to fill it with everything I desired except for God, and even when I thought I had it all...even when I thought I had the perfect love and the perfect girl and the perfect home and the perfect family and friends and everything...even in that moment I had noththing...that void was still there bigger then ever...that longing for something beyond what I can get here on earth...a deep and loving relationship with God. Even when I thought I had filled that void to the rim I was empty...remember this as my testomony continues even now, as I live this life trying so hard to find out why we are really here I have the answers in Him, as we all do if we just seek Him.

I'm going to leave it at that. Peace to you...I love you all so much and I so want to see you full of that joy and awsome peace that God has in store for you if you just seek Him. Seek Him and come to Him in love.

Serving in Faith,
Chris
- posted by Kai @ 11/30/2003 07:18:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Here's something I wrote during my Vision LTE:

"when did our Christianity become more about tradition and religion and less about a relationship with our Holy and Awsome Creator? I speak in love that the LORD wants a deep relationship with you!"

who wasI writing this too? meh, no idea...maybe me..maybe others but lets expand on this little tidbit for a little shall we? What is Christianity? Thats the basic question thats been the basic concept of everything here, what is it that makes us stand out? What makes us stand out is our relationship with the one and only God. Thats the differance. Most other "religions" or beliefes are eather based on a fear of a god or wrapped in selfishthinking where you are the one with the power. What makes us uniqe is that we KNOW God, we seek Him, we see Him. If someone asked me how I beleive in a god I can't see I'd tell them I do. Sure not with my eyes, but everytime I pray, everytime I read His word, everytime I look at someone else I see God. Is that odd? Maybe to some but to those of us who have this relationship with God its life. Christ died on the cross so we could come to God, so we could be clensed by the blood and come to have a close relationship with our Father...one He has been longing for. One our own heart longs for.

hmm, my mind is kinda mingled, don't really know where I'm going to maybe I'll go take a nap or something lol...convos just getting to me I think...whatever, peace.
- posted by Kai @ 11/27/2003 05:07:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
"ok so i was reading ashbies blog and he was talking about love and all that about how its a choice more then an emotion and stuff..."

You have no idea how happy it makes me when something I write sparks conversation or just thought :) o, and Kenz...my name is spelt "Ashby" :P I'll forgive you this time (just like all the many other times :P)

today I wanted to get back into a convo about feelings back home (yeah, seems that the ESOAL and Vision LTE posts are now writups I'll have to finish and hand in at the end of the year so they'll be done by the end of december) just looking at the tag board, and talking to friends back home...I think I've got feelings pretty well figured out, some good some bad but one person who I never get to talk to that kinda scares me is Rob. Its probably just me but it just seems like he's really been hardend twords me...maybe he doesn't see it but everytime he posts in the tag board I feel as if he's...not really attacking me...I don't even know the word to discribe the feeling I get from them. I hope I get the chance to talk to him in person while I'm home cause I think as much as this situation should be in the healing stage...there is still alot of pain in the hearts of those who where close to Lex and myself. I think the hardest thing Rob has tryed to do and I commend him for it is trying hard to continue to befriend both Lex and myself. Rob is a strong man but how does one handle two of his best friends comming to such an impass...how does he deal with one of those friends changing so drasticly that he doesn't know him anymore. I honestly don't know how I would deal with that situation but one thing is for sure, the hardness that I'm sencing from him is surly from that situation.

I think a few people have made the HA out to be some kind of cult, something thats taking over my life and sucking me in...controling my life. I've stated from day one this is a year to be with the Lord. To Concicrate myself, set myself apart from the world and totaly embrace what God has for me and indeed thats what is going on here. The HA sets up an environment that allows us to study, pray, learn, everything there is of the Lord...to give our lives to Him as we where supposed to do when we where saved. To learn how to be leaders in this generation. This is Christianity back to its basics. Not some place called the Honor Academy, this can be done anywhere, but this place helps guide our walk back on track and keep us on the solid foundation of God's Word. Is the HA taking over my life? No, God is. I have always told people I wanted to be a youth pastor. How am I supposed to be that leader in the Church if God isn't the center of everything I do? And to be honest, if that makes people uncomfterble then good. I'm sick of feel good Christianity that sacrifices the truth and re-writes God's own laws and Words to make everyone feel better. Look at Peter, he was a man of God who wasn't afraid of offending people if the need arose. The fact of life is Christianity has been so surger-coated that we don't even know what it is to have a relationship with God anymore. We're all so afraid that it's no longer Legal to adress homosexuality in the church. Heck, we can bearly use the word sin anymore, its just "problems" "I'm struggling with this 'problem' in my life" no, your knee deep in sin and you need prayer let me pray for you! If I sound a little angry its because I am. We live in an age that Christians are afraid to pull out there bibles in a public place cause it might "offend" someone. We're afread of speaking the name of Christ because someone might not share the same values as us. Here's the truth. Christianity is the only real truth. If you live in fear of offending others then you miss out on the oppertunity to SAVE THEM FROM HELL! Why do we continue to live in muticultualism? Why as Christians do we just toss our hands in the air and give in to the ideals of "whats truth for you is true, whats true for me is true." The Bible teaches one absolute truth and yet even amongst us Christians we can't even bring ourselves to admit that Jesus is the Word, that God is real and that what He has spoken is the truth and the only truth. Let me tell you something, Jesus wasn't out to keep everyone happy, he wasn't out to spread a cheerful message thats happy-go-lucky and that everyone will want to hear. No, Jesus was out to spread the truth.

Its funny how the world works. Isn't it? What hurts me the most is the thought that, as we fall deeper into this...those who are unsaved are dieing, people are going to hell for every min that we sit hear afraid to go out and spread the word. People are going to hell because we are to afraid of rocking somebodys false beliefs. People are going to hell because God has called us into a ministry we are to afraid to stand up for. Its so easy for us as Christians to look at ourselves and praise the Lord that we're going to heaven. But my heart breaks when I see those who don't have that spot. I would gladly give up my spot in heaven for someone else to meet up with God in heaven. Its love thats going to change this nation. Luke 10:27 says pretty clear the two most emoportant things in which all things in goodness are sprouted from. Loving God and loving others. Do we love those unsaved enough to cast out our fear and take a risk? 1 John 4:18 "There in no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

So, ok...closing time lol, its in love for those who don't know Christ that this anger has built up inside, and you can bet I'm gonna use this flame to mold how I live. No fear. :) peace out.
- posted by Kai @ 11/25/2003 09:12:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
well, yes I do wantto continue the Vision LTE post, and I will try to not let it end up like the ESOAL post :P lol but Rob asked a good question... What are my plans for after the HA

well, I'm comming home. Thats a for sure. As hard as it'll be to leave the people here, I love my country as does God, might be the reason He has called me there.

I'm pretty definate that I'll be doing a second year in the HA. But not here, I'll be a CA (Core Adviser) in the Canadian HA that is starting up soon...I really want to help out with that cause o my goodness this program really starts making you think and act....starts making you think about who you are as a Christian and what you are doing to impact the people around you...the world around you. And I could go on and on but I'll leave it there. During this time I'll be doing some high school OAC courses and whatnot, getting my grades and stuff up the point where I can go to a school like Tyndale in Toronto. Tyndale is a big deal...even down here. IF I can get in there I'm gonna get educated for sure, and my ministry will be one of an educated man. YEY! The vision is to plant myself within the United Church of Canada and help provoke change in certain areas where there is a need for a more biblicly based structure and a need of more structured Christian world view within the Church. And I coud go on and on lol, but I'll keep this short.

during my second year as a CA in the Canadan HA I will be attending my Church back home (The HA will be in Kingston so YEY!) So I'll be trying to perhaps get myself in a lay preature program and stuff lik that as well, we'll see how wise that is to my time managment and my busy life as an Intern. But there is my basic plan for the few years to come. I could go into more debth but, neh.

One of the biggest focuses here is vision, strving for vision, having vision in everything you do. Not just floating through a useless meaningless blerb called life but KNOWING what your going to do and how your going to acheve it, and trusting in God that if your working with His plan for your life in mind then He'll make it happen however crazy it may sound. So yeah...there we go :)

On to my journal for the day :P

Today in class we talked about ..um, ok lost that train of thought....hmm Well in Trailer Club it was about mentoring and having mentors and how its important to us to have mentors to go to, to teach us. How God has placed mentors in our lives to help guide us in the right directions. I thought it was a pretty cool message.

yeah, so haven't done much today...gonna check in on the kitchen soon...see if they need my help, we're real short on people today so hmm...yup gonna do that.

o, one thing I have been feeling and I wanted to kinda get some honest feedback here...how are people feeling back home. About me, about what I'm doing, about how life is going for you, how is your spiritual life going? What has God shown you in the past few months. Thats an awsome question I love asking cause I'm so blessed sometimes by the answers I get. "How are your quiet times going? What has God shown you this week?" One girl I work with has been real touched by God, she has problems dealng with the stresses of everyday life in the kitchen sometimes (understandable) but God totaly spoke to her during her Vision LTE and led her to scripture and whatnot about the joy and the peace of the LORD...and now seeing her in the workplace...actually living out what God let her too is such a blessing to me, cause the Joy and Peace seems to rub off onto others too :) its real cool. So yeah, get back to me with that if ya'll would like :P lol

I'm so excited about comming home, like o my goodness this place is so away from everything its crazy! Going home and being with friends and family is going to be so awsome!! I get home sometime on the 13th! COME VISIT ME!!! I'll get an arival time and people can meet me at the airport! yey!

well, love ya all. I gotta go, peace.
- posted by Kai @ 11/20/2003 08:57:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
The Vision LTE:
During three days of fasting, silance and prayer, God shared alot with me, here are just the raw notes straight from my notebook...here we go.

-Christ made people uncomfterble, we shouldn't be afraid
-Take every moment captive for the LORD. Is this moment pleasing to Him? Are you taking your thoughts captive? Replacing ungodly thoughts with His own Word? What is the focus? the job or God? my work or His work? me or Him?
-you have the power against evil in Christs Holy name!
-In this silance God's voice can be heard
-walking in the Spirit Gal 5:16-26
-walking in the Spirit, not fulfilling the lust of the flesh.
-if I'm not walking in the Spirit, when I go home this will all be for nothing
-the fruts are love, joy, peace, longsuffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

Prayer:
Matt 6:6, 6:9-13, 7:7-12, 21:21-22
Luke 18:9-14
John 16:23-24
Eph 6:18
2Thes 1:11
James 1:6, 4:3
1John 5:14-15

-when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut the door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place, He sees in secret
-The LORD's prayer
-Ask and it will be given to you, knock on the door
-what man who's son asks for bread will give him a stone? If we being evil know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will our father in heaven give us?
-have faith, do not doubt
-withered fig tree ->move mountains
-humble yourself, come before the LORD remembering you are indeed a sinner. Do not lift yourself up before God, lift yourself up God and lower yourself, humble yourself and He will exalt and lift you.
-ask in Christ's name, pray in His name that your joy may be full
-(John 16:13 -> He will tell you things to come)
-(2Tim 2:15 -> Be diligent to present yourself approved to God...)
-Study the Bible!

Ps 32:8,9
Prov 3:5-6, 2:6
Is 58:11, 2:3
John 4:24, 14:26

-pray at all times about everything, speak to the LORD always through the Holy Spirit
-pray always that God would count you as worthy of this calling
-he who doubts is like the wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind -> A doubter can be blown over easly, but he who is strong in faith is like the strongest fortress
-you ask and do not receive because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures
-you don't get it because your whole motive is wrong
-what do I do when I walk into a room? why do I seek who I seek? Do I humble myself or raise myself up? Why not raise others up? not to make me look good but to truly and honestly make them look good...

well, TBC I guess, got to run...l8rz
- posted by Kai @ 11/16/2003 12:42:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
I feel so cut off, just I dunno, today I just wanna be home with peoples at home ya know? Well, its ok, gonna talk to my CA bout it at dinner tonight just kinda wanna let loose here before then :P just today has been so blah, for everyone it seems...probably the weather but something tells me its more then just that but I can't place my finger on it....is it somehting spirtual? Maybe, good possability...sometimes its so hard to tell, and often its those times we get hit hard by the enemy, when we're unsure. I still after all this time find it so hard to lift things up in prayer, its a wall I put up so long ago that I'm still chipping at when I should be taking a bomb to it...hehehe, yeah as you may be able to tell its a cool dull fall day, the sun hasn't been seen for a few days and I think thats the part thats getting to me cause dullness after a while brings ya down for sure.

You know, as hard as I try sometimes to put everything in the past, I find myself somedays just looking back...heading over to Lexi's blog to see if she's mentioned me, that kinda thing...even with all I have learned about friendships...relationships I still find myself wondering what if. Praise the LORD though, cause I know very well what would have happened...and people can say what they want but when a relationship gets phisical like days after we meet in person...ITS NOT GOING TO GO WELL! What happends when the warm fuzzys die off as they always do and love becomes a choice not a feeling?

Ok, if you haven't heard anything I have said hear me now cause this is I think the most important thing I have learned here that most of the world doesn't get...Love is a choice!...let me explane

Love isn't an emotion, ah already I hear the screems of rejection..hear me out, the emotion of love and the choice of love are two differant things...and the true emotion and feeling of love can only come from making this choice everyday. Say you are married k? you have been married for a good 20 years or so, you think you have lasted 20 years on warm fuzzy emotions? no you last 20...30...40...even 50 years because on the days you wanna pick up and leave (and you know there will always be those days no matter who your with, don't kid yourself) its in those moments that you choose to love and push on. We in this world these days have so many relationships built on warm fuzzies, built on nothing but emotion...when in all reality you don't know eachother deeply, don't hold eachother up or anything a real relationship is all about...these relationships built on emotion end up in devorce...thats why the devorce rate is so freeking high these days....because of emotion filled relationships without any depth. And thats why we as a people have come to take sayings like "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" as ok excuses to get devorces, no...all that is saying is "I loved you but now we're past the warm fuzzies and I'm to lazy to push any harder" I mean for goodness sakes people get ahold of yourselves! I know I'm sounding a little harsh and this doesn't apply to a few of you (James and Bev...and thats about it) o, thats another thing I wanna say...I love James and Bev, as this hit me and I was thinking about all this I thought about how James and Bev are...how its not all emotion, its a deep bond created though getting to know eachother deeply, not through phisical actions but through just being there for eachother. Yes just like every other couple they have had there hard times but how I know this will work is...when they have those times they don't just walk away and try to deal with it on there own, they choose love, and work it out together in a very mature way. If people want to see what a relationship is SUPPOSED to be, go find James and Bev cause they get it! Praise the LORD they get it! I love you guys and I want to see you in deep awsome relationships...this is why I'm so passinate about this, cause I want to be at your wedding and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it'll be a bond thay will be till death do you part. Not, till the warm fuzzies fade away. Think about this in your own relationships your in, if your in one or your future relationships...how well do you know the other person? How deep are you two? How close are you not just on an emotional level...but spiritually as well. Think abuot this...how phisical are you and why do you think you are as much as you are...cause sometimes (not always) its cause you really don't know what to do...

anywho thats my tangent for the day lol...I always seem to go off on these :P ah well, peace out

Serving in Faith
,Chris
- posted by Kai @ 11/08/2003 03:01:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
so yeah, I'm kinda being pushed in the direction to start a written journal, I was all "but I have an online one that I...um...kinda always not really post in some of the time..." lol so yeah that'll be good for me I think, doesn't mean I'll stop poting here, maybe it'll inspire me to post more in here :) ya never know.

it was amusing, Andy and myself found this random Anime mag in the kitchen and we both got real excited it was kinda amusing. So after we got Mahogony to look over it (kinda an accountability thing my core has started with out sister core to look over the mags before we read them and duct tape over anything we probably don't wanna see in our efforts to keep our eyes pure and to keep us from stumnbling) hehehe so I just thought it was amusing that we got so excited over finding a random manga mag...shows you how deprived we really are here :P

so last night I had this long deep convo with my CA Brett, it was cool...we both got real worked up talking about how famlys in todays age are just breaking down and how we as future fathers can't let this continue so yeah, have I mentioned how awsomely excited I have become to be a father? Like yeah, all in due time and I just hope God doesn't send me the woman I'm to marry till way later in life when I'm ready and prepared and deep into what I wanna do with my life (that now said He'll probably send her sooner, God sometimes has a sence of humor like that :P) and yeah, we just talked about alot of things, about how I've grown, how I have so much more to grow in...it was odd, in the past few weeks I have really learned a few things that have rocked my world.

Like the fact that I have the power of Christ within me, its a hard concept to grasp...it truly is, and I've never in my life rebuked the enemy in the name of Christ or anything like that cause I never really knew or understood the power that makes its home within me, thats in all who are God's children. It just hit me a few days ago in prayer and worship that I am on the frontlines of the battle between Good and evil, the battle we have already won...why should I fear something that is only death and lies when I have the spirit of life and truth within me?

I've also realized that God has become my focus and thats an awsome thing yes, but a scary realization when you think about going back home...as much as people say they will accept me, in the end I'm a warrior for God and that will forever be my focus, I just pray that God's light wil shine and it'll kinda rub off. I wanna see God's light shine all over back home, in the church, in BOYB, at home, with my friends....all across the country I want to see God's light shine, and if though God I can help bring this about then PRAISE THE LORD!

I was talking to Rob yesterday and he brought up the Movie comming out entitled "The Passion of Christ" this is going to be awsome folks, its a dramatization, a movie that documents the final hours of Christ's life and the crusifixion. everything I have heard about this movie (especialy from Ron Luce who has seen a screening of it and told us about it in class) it sounds powerful. I'm so excited for this...God's going to use this to reach so many people.

o, and I also (while I'm going off in all directions with this post) wanna take a min and tell you guys about this book I'm (supposed to be reading, but just going to class and taking the notes :P) studying that I think as Christians in the 21st century we should all read called "How now shall we live" it talks about Christianityas a worldview and gives Christians the tools they need to have a conversation and really dive deep into the heart of the belief systems of the world, and really describes in great detail how things like communisim and the sexual revolution and ah, so much; how it all came to be and how all all, everything relates back to the one question. God or Nature? Its an awsome book, if you get the chance I urge you to find it and read it cause your world will be flipped upsidedown and you start to understand how the world came to where it is today. And if you read it and disagree with it awsome, I wanna have discussions with people back home about the things stated in this book (I'm looking at you Rob especially caue I know you can give me a good convo about alot of this stuff) so yeah. well I better go eat :P l8rz

Serving in Faith
,Ashby
- posted by Kai @ 11/06/2003 09:48:00 a.m. (0) comments

 
wow...hmm, what to write about....dum de dum, I wrote a poem for some poetry thing on campus but I doubt I'll actually send this one in...don't think it's really that awsome great but here...I'll post it anyway, tell me what you guys think about it

This thing called honour

This thing called honour what can it be
,something that hides within?
I lie in wait, why can’t I see
,God’s will , His plan for me

This thing called honour how can I live
,when lost in terrible sin?
I sit and wait, why can’t I see
,God’s will, His plan for me

This thing called honour how can I be
,right here; so lost within?
I stand and wait, why can’t I see
,God’s will, His plan for me

This thing called honour I understand
,His light the Word its in!
I stand and pray, still cannot see
,God’s will, His plan for me

This thing called honour I live in faith
,my heart the Word is in!
I’m on my knees, I pray to see
,God’s will, His plan for me

This thing called honour I live everyday
,God’s will, His plan for me
is the vision the purpose the goals I make
everyday His light I see.

This thing called honour
His plan for me
So though me His light will shine
This thing called honour
A plan to see
In this life I honour Him divine.

By: Kai Megos

yeah , it was supposed to be about living a lifstyle of honor s I took it in the way I saw fit...kinda dislike having to keep to one topic though like, if I could just write a poem about anything it would have turned out alot better but ah well...maybe I'll post more l8rz..peace

Serving in Faith
,Chris
- posted by Kai @ 11/03/2003 03:27:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Ag! I never update this anymore! well not much to say today...I saw Brother Bear today, actually wasn't too bad for your avrage Disney flick. It was just fun to go into tyler and hang out for a while. I haven't been to the movies since I saw Pirets back home so it was cool.

hmm, what else..o yeah I'M 20!! ye me, actually feeling old and un-wise :P but thats ok. on avrage I think I'm one of the older interns but interns range from 18 to 28 (well, the oldest intern is 28...the rest of us are around 18-22) but yeah, there are those days I sit back and watch the wisdom comming from the 18 year olds and I'm just amazed...these people are so much older then me in there walk and it shows. Its real awsome to see spiritual maturity in these people...kinda gives me something to aim twords.

well, off I go to the real world :P l8rz

Serving in Faith
,Chris
- posted by Kai @ 11/01/2003 05:27:00 p.m. (0) comments