"And stop calling yourself Kai"
I have some thoughts, these are my thoughts. I don't much concern myself to if people agree or like my thoughts...I just write what I think...agree or don't thats up to you.

Almost two years back, things where very different then they are now for me. When I wasn't working I spent all day and/or night in my room. Talking to people online, looking at pr0n, role-playing on boards...that kinda thing. I went out and hung out with friends as often as I could because I didn't like my anti-social lifestyle as much as it looked like I loved it. But when push came to shove I avoided my real life like it was some sort of virus come to take me and devour me....in essence real life never lived up to my expectations. But as it would turn out, I had a way out. When I was alone in my room I wasn't Chris Ashby anymore, I was Kai Megos. I wasn't some loser sitting in his room anymore I was the great white mage Kai, all powerful and mighty! Sworn protector of good...yadda yadda yadda. It was fun really. It was my life. I was Kai, or Killian, or Xan, or Demar, or Creed. Push came to shove and soon enough my online persona had become pleral and I had become many people, some evil, some good, some...confused. I had so many friends online it was awesome, people knew me and well, it would seem I was likeable there so thats where I stayed. (enter paragraph here or Leigh-Anne might get mad lol *poke*)

And thats where my life was. I had a girlfriend there, we where good friends and so where our charas. Kai and Cathain. With trusty wonderful friend to both Cheska. (and our pet Greill j/k) So what if a few of the things I did online where against my so-called "moral beliefs" I would tell myself, its only online..its only fantasy, I"ll live my dream the way I want and nothing will ever stop that. I had the girl, I had the friends and I was the one taking on vampires and mages and yes even the gods themselves. Nothing could stop Kai and the other personas I created.

Then something happened, this world, this fantasy fleshed itself out one day. And Cathain/Lexi fleshed out as Lynda and Cheska fleshed out as...well...Cheska. Here in the flesh, no more was it a game, this had become reality.

I never told her this, but alot of the things we said and did online I felt bad about inside...I never told her because I couldn't even be honest with myself at that point, it was fun, it was my fantasy, my role-play. And when that role-play came into play while she was here..again I never said anything...but then again, by that time I had tossed all my weak beliefs out the window and told God I was gonna live my life for me...basicly telling Him to "screw off and leave me alone".

So the day the fleshed out relationship was to return to its cyber-orgins I told her something I will always find hard to think about.

"I'll never leave you. Not even if this place in Texas forces me too, I'll leave there first before I leave you."

I lied that day. Plain and simple. Unknowingly at the time though.

So, a week later I said my farewells to my cyber-life knowing full-well that I wouldn't have nearly the amount of time I did at home to go off into my cyber world...yeah it scared me but hey, there would always be msn and stuff...

"You must have someone with you at all times while using the internet"

"well, that takes the secret relationship and kicks it in the face" I think to myself as the rules are explaned in horrifying detail to me.

Then something swam from the back of my mind and bugged me...alot. Through all the classes during that first week in Texas my thoughts became very confused...conviction sank in hard and I was hurting real bad...it hurt...it hurt so much. I think few of you may know of the pain I speak of when your reminded of the fact that you turned your back...on your saviour. My memories with Lynda shot though my head like a bad dream, the sex the fantasy everything. I thought about my life, living in my room escaping reality I thought about my friends, my real friends...then I thought about church...I thought about youth group...pretending to be all God-like then going home to watch porno up in my room. Pretending to be Christian at Church, then cursing at my siblings...I had lived two lives ever since my salvation, then slowly one life started to take over the other...and it was killing me inside.

So I had to make the hardest choice I ever had to make one night finally. To continue to live a lie, leave the Honor Academy and persue my relationship with Lexi to whereever it would lead. Or, do the unthinkable...step away from Kai, take a step back from my fantasy and look to my God. To stop being hypocritical and start to actaully live what I believe...to truly be Christian.

Its alot harder to live then it is to fake I came to realize.

I broke up with Lynda...kinda one day, though still holding on I told her we would get back together after the internship was over...holding on to that last little bit of my other life, I liked it..I was comfterble there you see. That would be the second time I lied to her.

But I pushed on, learning from those around me what it was to live Christianity...not fake it. I took to heart the teachings from such amazing men and women of wisdom and love. I lived in a place that, made you feel as though you where special..something I had hidden away from at home, though I'm sure if I had left my room every so often I would have felt the same way. And I came to know and love many good friends whome right now I miss very much.

I'm still learning. Its not like one year is going to teach me all I need to know, actually if anything it was bearly the tip of the iceburge, it was my push to truly reach for something...to live a life worth living to...be all that I could be. To live for something much bigger then myself, and to stop shunning my Creator. I sinned, I sinned alot, I broke peoples harts and I ended friendshps, I made people very angry and you know what? In the end...if I could change anything...

I wouldn't change a thing.

So why am I telling you this story you have already heard? You know the story, no doubt you may have even played a part in it...

"And stop calling yourself Kai..."

Cheska just recently posted this for me...I was, in actually going to comment in mild anger that it was MY name and that I created it and I could use whatever name I wanted and...blahblahblah...then I did a heart check and I'm a loser. Cheska and Rob and the few that are still upset with me arn't upset at any of the above storyline you just read...its my reations to peoples comments, my "justifying" my own actions or any such thing....mainly making people feel like crud while attempting to make myself feel better about an ugly situation that continues to serface now close to two years later because I can't just leave things alone.

"And stop calling yourself Kai.."

Now I think back again to that story of my past...that man I used to be...the man that created himself a life online...where that was his whole world...

Then I remember a night in the parking lot on campus....watching with a big goofy smile on my face as Ricky ripped the letters of "The Lone Wolf" off his car and I think to myself...

"as we put 'The Lone Wolf' to rest that night...isn't it about time I put Kai to rest as well...to mark a new beginning in my life? To not run away and go around under the jaded alies of Kai Megos. To put to rest the name by which I did some of the things I regret the most?"

Cheska, your right. This post will mark the end of the use of the name Kai by myself...cause your right, I'm not as awesome as I was back then...I'm only human. And I'm still learning what that means I think.

I was going to post somehting out of anger...I'm glad I didn't, too much has been cause by stupid remarks made out of anger as it is.

In other news (yeahyeahyeah, its a long post...so sue me, I post like once a week anyway lol) I have also been thinking alot about Denver's question...its been his question for a long time now really. What is love?

You wanna know what I think?

There are many forms of love, infact the world love should really be split up into like 40000 words so that its not used for EVERYTHING! lol, I guess in my mind, the most profound and the most impactful and meaningful form of love and the most pure form of the use of the word Love can be found...on the cross. There is also the love between a man and a woman, this love in the true form of romantic love is by far the most amazing thing two humans can share, and well.. you never really know until you know..right Leigh-Anne?. Then there is my love for Pizza and Pepsi, well...lol, thats its own kinda love alltogether. So the question remains..what is love? The simple and most basic answer is..God is Love. What is love as we humans perseve it as? It can be anything...

So in summery, I'm a dork, I'm forgiven and made pure in God's eyes, I'm not worthy of that at all, I love Leigh-Anne Walston with all my heart, the scripture saying "you will be hated" doesn't mean you should make sure you are hated, Rob we need to talk, I'm a dork and...

um...

The Internet cannot replace reality...no matter how hard you try *pokes Bev*

anywho, I love yall...if you made it this far without breaking something...like...your head, I'm impressed and $100 is waitingin your mailbox right now *waits a few moments* haha! just kidding, hope you didn't go looking for it lol. But really, Congradulations for actually reading all this and thank you...you really do care! yey!!

NOW COMMENT DANGIT!

thats right, you made it all the way though this post...comment on it :P

ok I'm done.

Peace.

,Chris
- posted by Kai @ 2/27/2005 03:55:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
How can cheese be "nimble" you ask? Simple.
Not really much on my mind right now but figured I'd stop waiting for comments and just go ahead and post while my party is pulling a mob and Leigh-Anne is at her class.

Ok, first of all why is it when I post something that I think may offend someone it doesn't...and when I post something that had nothing to offend people with...I get blasted on my tag board? I have no idea...all I will say is this, I speak my mind on here...if you dislike my point of view on some subjects thats cool, but I never forced you to read this (I'm not JUST talking toi Kid here, this is for all) anyway, if you have a problem with what I say here...plz comment, but don't blast me...I'd much rather have constructive critizsm then have people tell me I'm retarded :P

That out of the way I wanna give a shout out to JoJo and Brad, two people I have been meaning to call but as it would seem, work is keeping my pretty busy, I'll try to call...really I will!

I had another HA based dream the other night...they have become commenplace in my mind it would seem

song dream summed up I was getting all upset at someone and got on the bus to go to school (I'm guessing high-school) well, then I ended up in the "new" caf to the HA..it was pretty sweet.though admin didn't like that fact that I was there 4 months early so I sat there and talked to pam for awhile, it was nice...amusing too cause we started talking about is she needed help, turns out K-Crew hours are cut dramaticly...the mages start at like 6pm...ok yeah I know, I play too much FF...sheesh.

anywho, life is going well, Peace Love and Joy are my happy little helpers these days :) work is calming down a bit now that inventory is over with (yey!) and yeah..now all I need is some cash for this summer and I'm set :D Good thing God provids or I might be worried :P

well, my Party is probably pretty upset with me right now, peace.
- posted by Kai @ 2/21/2005 06:54:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Faces...

- posted by Kai @ 2/16/2005 04:37:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
A note on religion, the death of St. Valentine and all things cheese
exciting title huh?

first of all I have to say a very special HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY LEIGH-ANNE WALSTON! What can I say that hasn't been said everyday for 51/2 months now? I love her with everything I got! *muah*

now, on to my thoughts of the day.

First of all, this whole Valentine's day thing, I persoanlly think its something not made up by corprate money grubbers...but bad boy-friends/husbends who can't show someone they love them without special reason, then I look to the amazing number of men huddled over the cards and chocolates today and all I can do is *sigh* and shake my head...if the only reason you do anything special for the someone you supposedly love is so they don't get mad at you...I think you've missed the point all together.

Now truth be told I'm not a big fan of having one day of the year dedicated to showing the person you love that, well...you love them BUT at the same time seeing as how we do have this day, why not put love into it? Huh? What I saw today was ruched boyfriends that frankly don't give a crap about the people in thair lives and really just want to, excuse my use of the phrase, "get laid" ah what a sad sad day my friends...but well, what can we as God fearing Christians do on this day that would reflect who we are?

This leads me right into my next topic I have been thinking about all day. Religion vs. Relationship....as many of you know (especially the K-Crew who have heard my sermons on this in the past) I'm not a very religious person, I refuse to bring myself into the realm of what Christ worked so hard to break down and eventually led to His death. Interesting thought isn't it? But its true, Jesus Himself wasn't religious, in fact he butted heads so to speak with the religious leaders of the world at that time, so much in fact that they would have him killed...

and then today, as a Christian I am called religious...eeek!

lol, even the term "Christian" was first used to make fun of us silly followers of Christ...so I ask you my friends...where is our identity? I pose to you this question. If we are not to be religious then what the heck are we supposed to do?

This brings me back to the poor untimily death of good ol' St. Valintine...well, his day that is...the day of Love, the big V-Day itself. Why don't we get off our religious high-horse and just flat out love...kinda like what Christ taught us. Love thine naighbor and hey....love God as you love yourslef too...three things there in case you missed it. 1) LOVE PEOPLE! I know this is a hard one to really get your mind around...love everyone, doesn't say like everyone but you better have love in your heart and have that heart awful soft too pull this one off... 2) LOVE GOD! I think the key to all this is loving God, and having a relationship with Him, this is the foundation of everything we believe and yet so few get it...relationship relationship RELATIONSHIP! Love Him, godda love Him! :D and 3) LOVE YOURSELF DANGIT! Love who you are, love who you have been made to be, love who you are in Christ. Now, number 3 can be tricky, and may lead some to think of loving themselves in a prideful way...nooooo what we mean here is this. If you dislike who you are, if you can't love God's creation within yourself then how can you ever love God? Thus the reason it states Love God as you Love yourself...it goes hand in hand.

So on this day dedicated to Love, my advice? Fall in love with God all over again :D you'll love it.

Now I am off to talk with the woman I love soooooooooo....bubye for now!
- posted by Kai @ 2/14/2005 04:47:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Working early has to be of the devil....sheesh!
I know I gotta sleep...I probably shouldn't go around reading people's online journals and Xanga's before bed cause then I start thinking, start dreaming, start remembering and alas...there are so many people I wish to, just for a moment sit down and have a good conversation with. To really see how they are doing...to look in there eyes and let them tell me a story. To see Trina again and rip her back out of her shell and remind her that she's presious, one of God's children...to chat with JoJo and share with her the same fustration that I have some to see being out away from the HA world...to sit down with Pat and Brent and explain in person how very very proud I am of them...and how proud I am to be able to call them brothers.

To sit in the booth and once again have a meeting with Krys....to sift through everything and get to the meat of the conversation...to be up far too late in the dorm calming Mr. Boyd down and reminding him of God's love, or to listen to Ian play his gutar worship the Lord once again...

This is one of those moments where all I should be doing is sleeping, but all I want to do is see you all again, live life with debth again...I'm a very deep person but, all around me seems so shallow. Thank you Leigh-Anne for being deep, a breath of fresh air :) I only with to have a meaningful conversation again..to talk about God and the plans that we have. Leigh-Anne does that well :D common people, call me...let me know how you are doing, no more shallow hello's....

JoJo, I called you you goof...and I got voicemail! JOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJO!!! I'll be in touch...*shifty eyes*
- posted by Kai @ 2/10/2005 06:06:00 p.m. (0) comments

 
Remember that night?
I remember it like it was yesterday, that warm summer night in east Texas. That night changed something in me, I was afraid at first, I had been denying this very feeling so much that I had forgotten what it was. But, well...let me tell you a story.

For almost a week I had been removed from my regular routein in the kitchen. The campus cafiteria kitchen had been my ministry placment all year long and slowly but surly that year was winding down and I was now looking forward to two weeks in Mexico where myself and many others would go share the gospel in streets and churches and parks.

The past week however I had spent preparing for the trip. Many teachings as well as hot days and long nights learning the drama we would perform on the streets of Mexico consumed the week and slowly my life was flipped upside down, which had almost become the norm during my time in Texas. It paid off though, we learned our parts and knew what we had to do and understood why we where going and soon the night came of our last teaching before the mourning when we would lod into our busses and head south of the border.

Ron Luce spoke that night, as was the usual he was full of life and vigure. He had always spoke in such a way that would spark a fire in your soul and make you want to go and and just do something. This night was no different, he spoke of an army of God spreading out into the world. It was an exciting thought indeed. And soon his words came to an end and worship began again. O how wonderful a moment that was, you could surly feel the Lord in that place. Then as the lights remained dimmed and the music played softly, one my one the groups started to exit the building.

Now by this time it was clrarly dark outside, but as I approched the exit, something I had expected due to being an intern here for many months now occured. I walked out to see the walkway lined in lit torches, as well as a very large white cross in the middle of the grassy area. Our group moved a ways from the cross twords what we interns have come to call the "Prayer" tree due to the fact that the tree was a commen place to gather and pray, and our leaders began to once again speak into our lives.

My mind however was very far away in that moment however, I just kept looking at the large cross and thinking about all it ment...then sudden;y the cross lit up beautifly bright and I just fell to my knees and praised God for this chance. I was going to be used by God these next few weeks...it was going to be so amazing. I cryed and screemed to God in an almost violent plea for his arms to wrap around me. And then something I never expected in my life happened, I looked over and saw a good friend of mine drawing closer to me.

This lady I had worked with in the kitchen for many months now and she was also in my sister core. This being as such we had good oppertunity to become very good friends. Now, before I go any further, and without going into great detail of the standards and rules of the Honor Academy where I had been an Intern, I will just say this, it was nothing more then perhaps a minor deveation from HA standards to have her there in that moment...and to this day I can't quite recall why it shocked me so much too see her there, but all I can tell you is in that moment my heart scipped a beat.

Now, scipping the minor heart attack that should have taken place if such a thing really did occur, she came close and without a word she put a hand on my sholder and began to pray for me, for the trip and for all those salvations in the next two weeks. I really didn't know what to say...my emotions where in a pinch and I couldn't really think. I do remember one thought that passed though my mind was "why would she come and pray for me?" I mean true we where friends but why out of all the people going would she pray with me?

"What are sisters for?"

She then departed quietly while I headed back to my hut. During my walk I had many thoughts runing though my head. "Does she like me? She can't, its not aloud! Heck she's my sister...ewww..." that kinda thing. Now, you do have to understand that as an intern, interpersonal relationships of a romantic nature where not aloud. For that year there was no dating or anything of the sort...so you can imagine during that year you kinda train yourself to ignore sirtain signs and quicly cast away any feeling for another person before it "got you into troble" what also helped was the aspect of a "sister core" these where the women on campus that where kinda like your sisters away from home. You really started to think of them as long lost sisters and would usualy hang out and do all the silly bro sis type things (like taking pictures of lawns and writing thankyou notes for the lawn...or road trips to huston) just random fun stuff...so you can kinda understand the wierd sudden thought of "does she like me"...or maybe you can't.

In any case I got to my hut to see my Asistant Core Advisor Mr. Denver Root was waiting for me there to do a quick sendoff prayer. I then told him of the happenings prior and he mostly just told me that we'll see what happened in two weeks, time apart would be good. Amusing, just shortly before that I was his ACA and I was giving him advice on things...lol

Now to be honest, there had been a few "what-if" thoughts about Leigh-Anne and myself, then quickly cast off as silly fantasy. Really I was just pushing my feeling aside. But in that moment everything kinda changed...and the efforts to guard her heart doubled.

Then, about a month after that we finally graduated, I remember it now, my first full frontal hug in a year was with another sister of mine Rachelle, and then I side-hugged Leigh-Anne to her dismay I think :P then I leaned down a tad and hugged her close. I met more of her family that day, I love them so much...they kinda took me in as there own whle others hung out with their family.

And I remember sitting in the caf, still in my uniform...starting to feel very odd about this whole graduation thing when Leigh-Anne came in. I could tell she didn't want to leave, there was just something about her that made it clear she wasn't ready to go. My heart skipped a beat again and again I bypassed another minor heart attack but, as my training insisted I held back my feelings all that day...even after I didn't have to anymore.

Now, this story isn't what started it all, God does amazing things...He walked her into my life at the commitment banquette. She didn't have a last name then...she was just Leigh-Anne. She was the only one really special that night...the one without the last name, confusing enough to point out that that was, partly my falt. God does amusing things sometimes...

Anyway its way past my bedtime.

All I really wanted to say in this post is that I wanted to talk to Leigh tonight but she's at ATF so :P

Peace out peeps, much love.

- posted by Kai @ 2/04/2005 08:06:00 p.m. (0) comments