"And stop calling yourself Kai"
I have some thoughts, these are my thoughts. I don't much concern myself to if people agree or like my thoughts...I just write what I think...agree or don't thats up to you.

Almost two years back, things where very different then they are now for me. When I wasn't working I spent all day and/or night in my room. Talking to people online, looking at pr0n, role-playing on boards...that kinda thing. I went out and hung out with friends as often as I could because I didn't like my anti-social lifestyle as much as it looked like I loved it. But when push came to shove I avoided my real life like it was some sort of virus come to take me and devour me....in essence real life never lived up to my expectations. But as it would turn out, I had a way out. When I was alone in my room I wasn't Chris Ashby anymore, I was Kai Megos. I wasn't some loser sitting in his room anymore I was the great white mage Kai, all powerful and mighty! Sworn protector of good...yadda yadda yadda. It was fun really. It was my life. I was Kai, or Killian, or Xan, or Demar, or Creed. Push came to shove and soon enough my online persona had become pleral and I had become many people, some evil, some good, some...confused. I had so many friends online it was awesome, people knew me and well, it would seem I was likeable there so thats where I stayed. (enter paragraph here or Leigh-Anne might get mad lol *poke*)

And thats where my life was. I had a girlfriend there, we where good friends and so where our charas. Kai and Cathain. With trusty wonderful friend to both Cheska. (and our pet Greill j/k) So what if a few of the things I did online where against my so-called "moral beliefs" I would tell myself, its only online..its only fantasy, I"ll live my dream the way I want and nothing will ever stop that. I had the girl, I had the friends and I was the one taking on vampires and mages and yes even the gods themselves. Nothing could stop Kai and the other personas I created.

Then something happened, this world, this fantasy fleshed itself out one day. And Cathain/Lexi fleshed out as Lynda and Cheska fleshed out as...well...Cheska. Here in the flesh, no more was it a game, this had become reality.

I never told her this, but alot of the things we said and did online I felt bad about inside...I never told her because I couldn't even be honest with myself at that point, it was fun, it was my fantasy, my role-play. And when that role-play came into play while she was here..again I never said anything...but then again, by that time I had tossed all my weak beliefs out the window and told God I was gonna live my life for me...basicly telling Him to "screw off and leave me alone".

So the day the fleshed out relationship was to return to its cyber-orgins I told her something I will always find hard to think about.

"I'll never leave you. Not even if this place in Texas forces me too, I'll leave there first before I leave you."

I lied that day. Plain and simple. Unknowingly at the time though.

So, a week later I said my farewells to my cyber-life knowing full-well that I wouldn't have nearly the amount of time I did at home to go off into my cyber world...yeah it scared me but hey, there would always be msn and stuff...

"You must have someone with you at all times while using the internet"

"well, that takes the secret relationship and kicks it in the face" I think to myself as the rules are explaned in horrifying detail to me.

Then something swam from the back of my mind and bugged me...alot. Through all the classes during that first week in Texas my thoughts became very confused...conviction sank in hard and I was hurting real bad...it hurt...it hurt so much. I think few of you may know of the pain I speak of when your reminded of the fact that you turned your back...on your saviour. My memories with Lynda shot though my head like a bad dream, the sex the fantasy everything. I thought about my life, living in my room escaping reality I thought about my friends, my real friends...then I thought about church...I thought about youth group...pretending to be all God-like then going home to watch porno up in my room. Pretending to be Christian at Church, then cursing at my siblings...I had lived two lives ever since my salvation, then slowly one life started to take over the other...and it was killing me inside.

So I had to make the hardest choice I ever had to make one night finally. To continue to live a lie, leave the Honor Academy and persue my relationship with Lexi to whereever it would lead. Or, do the unthinkable...step away from Kai, take a step back from my fantasy and look to my God. To stop being hypocritical and start to actaully live what I believe...to truly be Christian.

Its alot harder to live then it is to fake I came to realize.

I broke up with Lynda...kinda one day, though still holding on I told her we would get back together after the internship was over...holding on to that last little bit of my other life, I liked it..I was comfterble there you see. That would be the second time I lied to her.

But I pushed on, learning from those around me what it was to live Christianity...not fake it. I took to heart the teachings from such amazing men and women of wisdom and love. I lived in a place that, made you feel as though you where special..something I had hidden away from at home, though I'm sure if I had left my room every so often I would have felt the same way. And I came to know and love many good friends whome right now I miss very much.

I'm still learning. Its not like one year is going to teach me all I need to know, actually if anything it was bearly the tip of the iceburge, it was my push to truly reach for something...to live a life worth living to...be all that I could be. To live for something much bigger then myself, and to stop shunning my Creator. I sinned, I sinned alot, I broke peoples harts and I ended friendshps, I made people very angry and you know what? In the end...if I could change anything...

I wouldn't change a thing.

So why am I telling you this story you have already heard? You know the story, no doubt you may have even played a part in it...

"And stop calling yourself Kai..."

Cheska just recently posted this for me...I was, in actually going to comment in mild anger that it was MY name and that I created it and I could use whatever name I wanted and...blahblahblah...then I did a heart check and I'm a loser. Cheska and Rob and the few that are still upset with me arn't upset at any of the above storyline you just read...its my reations to peoples comments, my "justifying" my own actions or any such thing....mainly making people feel like crud while attempting to make myself feel better about an ugly situation that continues to serface now close to two years later because I can't just leave things alone.

"And stop calling yourself Kai.."

Now I think back again to that story of my past...that man I used to be...the man that created himself a life online...where that was his whole world...

Then I remember a night in the parking lot on campus....watching with a big goofy smile on my face as Ricky ripped the letters of "The Lone Wolf" off his car and I think to myself...

"as we put 'The Lone Wolf' to rest that night...isn't it about time I put Kai to rest as well...to mark a new beginning in my life? To not run away and go around under the jaded alies of Kai Megos. To put to rest the name by which I did some of the things I regret the most?"

Cheska, your right. This post will mark the end of the use of the name Kai by myself...cause your right, I'm not as awesome as I was back then...I'm only human. And I'm still learning what that means I think.

I was going to post somehting out of anger...I'm glad I didn't, too much has been cause by stupid remarks made out of anger as it is.

In other news (yeahyeahyeah, its a long post...so sue me, I post like once a week anyway lol) I have also been thinking alot about Denver's question...its been his question for a long time now really. What is love?

You wanna know what I think?

There are many forms of love, infact the world love should really be split up into like 40000 words so that its not used for EVERYTHING! lol, I guess in my mind, the most profound and the most impactful and meaningful form of love and the most pure form of the use of the word Love can be found...on the cross. There is also the love between a man and a woman, this love in the true form of romantic love is by far the most amazing thing two humans can share, and well.. you never really know until you know..right Leigh-Anne?. Then there is my love for Pizza and Pepsi, well...lol, thats its own kinda love alltogether. So the question remains..what is love? The simple and most basic answer is..God is Love. What is love as we humans perseve it as? It can be anything...

So in summery, I'm a dork, I'm forgiven and made pure in God's eyes, I'm not worthy of that at all, I love Leigh-Anne Walston with all my heart, the scripture saying "you will be hated" doesn't mean you should make sure you are hated, Rob we need to talk, I'm a dork and...

um...

The Internet cannot replace reality...no matter how hard you try *pokes Bev*

anywho, I love yall...if you made it this far without breaking something...like...your head, I'm impressed and $100 is waitingin your mailbox right now *waits a few moments* haha! just kidding, hope you didn't go looking for it lol. But really, Congradulations for actually reading all this and thank you...you really do care! yey!!

NOW COMMENT DANGIT!

thats right, you made it all the way though this post...comment on it :P

ok I'm done.

Peace.

,Chris
- posted by Kai @ 2/27/2005 03:55:00 p.m.