past
for a long time now my dreams have been marked with one commenality that I have yet to truly understand yet, somehow I already know the answer I seek.

Its the Honor Academy.

Wether its the new super-dorm with zombie interns comming after me or JoJo hiding her new toung-ring duiring a visit to the HA. Running into Brent during a bike-ride or, having Leigh-Anne's mom give me a most interesting message during alimni weekend.

Do I miss it so much? Indeed I watch others move on with there lives...am I still stuch in that time in my life? Is there more for me there?

I thought about how the Jan's graduated, then I thought of how I bearly know anyone on campus now...and it shot a kind of pain though my body that I didn't much like.

The more I look at myslef today as apposed to the days before my internhsip I am, pleased and very much in a sence of wow as to what the Lord has done within me...most of which I never saw untill recently.

I mean, at work that are thinking of making me a supervisor and I have only been there a few months...why is this? cause I am trusted I have been told. Because I "know how to do things and do them" but to me I'm just doing my job. There is nothing special about it. I do my job and am gratefull for the chance to searve...is that so special? I wish it wasn't. I wish I wasn't so special sometimes...maybe thats the thing I liked the most about the internship...I wasn't so special. Honour was the norm and a high calobar of people was the bulk of the internship. Everyday I went into that kitchen and felt alive because the people around me where...so amazing and with that the where..rubbing off onto me somehow. Now I look at my place of employment and at times I am..angered if that makes sence. the people who have been there years say there is no use in careing about your dead-end job...take an extra 15-20 mins on your break..show up late, they arn't going to fire you. Sit down and go to sleep in the middle of an overnight...your still getting paid are you not? AHH!! Makes me sick! Not only are these things just plain retarded but screw up everything else for the rest of the people who are working along-side with you.

You show up 10-mins early so you can get yourself counted and ready to go in good time...you take your breaks as scedualed so the next person isn't kept waiting and doesn't lose there break at the end of the night....and more importantly you show the older generation somthing...that maybe we arn't the lazy care-free slacker loser generation that they have seen for so long.

You don't see the older folk doing this stuff...

I for one will not be apart of this lazy-loser-slacker generation anymore.

You hear me?

so well, if I do get this promotion...let pride be cast away from me. Because pride would be the end of me.

And let jealous hearts be made aware of why it would be me the unworthy.

I'm am so unworthy of everything I have been given...everyhing in my life right now I wish I only knew why I am blessed so. I did nothing to desurve such things as I have. All I can do is work hard to somehow be desurving...

My friends...the ones here and the ones I have not seen for too long, my family...my silly sister who claimes I hate her when I love her more then she could know...my father and mother who have always cared for me even when I couldn't see it, my brother who through his blind following of his own distruction I can still see somewhere deep inside...a real man. He just needs to find it and stick with it.

Ryan I wish you read this...there comes a time in one's life they must make the hard choises...between these so-called friends who only cause your own self-distruction, and you...the one who can change everything for himself if only he would try.

Unworthy I am of all I have...especially that of the wonderful woman Leigh-Anne of whome I care for so deeply.

I love her you see. I have said that before I know, but there has been nothing like this. I care for her...enough that I would wait a lifetime for her. its an odd feeling for sure, I have never cared enough to wait any length of time at all really, for anything.

Another thing I have seen changed in me...a willingness to...wait things out :)

Well, I think by now everyone who has started to read this has given up and moved on (my readers being very few and far between anyway :P) so I will cut this short and move on with my day.

Much love all. Peace.

- posted by Kai @ 1/07/2005 07:50:00 a.m.