Taking Over the Darkness
nothing but noise all aroind be but here I am in my peace. Loud rythems called music ring though my head then sudden silence as though perfection is reached at the end of every song. I carry something heavy with me always, this burden that grows bigger until I scream in agony for it do leave me. Can I remember the days when it wasn't there, there was a time when I was at peace. And maybe, just maybe I have found that peace again in the knowlage that humans are an imperfect being. I wollow so much in the past cause there is where my history sits in its sweet slumber...very few people...bearly anyone at all knows of the pain that I have kepped locked up inside for so many years...I remember when I told Brett...it was so crazy, I had to get it all out. Lord knows it'll eat away at you but suddenly your there agin, your in that moment reliving it in your own mind and you SCREEM...to be let out of the bondage of memory, you cry and you struggle against the emotional pain that has seemingly wrecked you...you lock yourslef away, cast yourself away so that few may know you...you close the doors to your soul but hang a sign on the door saying that everything is just dandy...

I know how you feel...

to share your deepest regrets, your sorrow....and the victory of the afterwords with someone so special is so hard. it seems that every waking moment I am fighting off the memories of my past, at times I lay down my sword, at times I can't take it anymore and I give up and I fail...

"you will fail"

indeed we are all going to fail. We are all going to fail in our quest to fulfil God's vision for our lives, we are all going to fail....

to fail is to be human...

because quite simply we are human, we fall short of the glory of God and we desurve nothing but death..for all we know is utter defeat, the bitter taist of blood stained metal against our lifeless bodys is all we have...we are nothing.

interesting how there always seems to be an exeption to every rule though...

we desurve nothing yet as foolish humans we so arrogantly think that we desurve everything, as if we actually did something worthy of any kind of recodnition from the heavens above and yet so long we seek the Father and demand of Him His love for us. We come asking Him to help us, for Him to be there for us, for Hid guidence for His wisdom for the salvation of our souls! Yet what the heck have we done to earn any of it? Not a thing...in fact we continue to sin against Him continue to go on our own marry way high and mighty as the great occupents of this world, so much higher then the animals because of our five fingers and larger brain pah. You are nothing but dirt. You come from the dirt and when you die that is where you return...

so what does all this mean?

why would we even expect God to make good on His word? Its not like we desurve it...its not like we did anything to desurve it, its more like we haver done everything in our power to tell Him we don't care what he does in this world...and then we wonder why so many horrable things happen in this world and then we have the nerve to blame Him, o how sad are we...

His grace is so much more then I think the human brain can even comprehend...at least fully, sure we can take it a few parts at a time but to actually see the whole picture of God's grace is something I feel as though no man could ever fully realize in a lifetime...

it is nothing but the grace of God that allows us the oppertunity to be in excistance...nevermind for a second a chance for redemtion...just plain ol' exsistance is in His will...stop and think just for a moment at all you have done in your life...what did that amount to? Did it mean anything? We have been given not only the privlage but the honor to searve in the King's mighty army...to join the winning side though Christ Jesus...God sent Jesus to Die for us...why? Because of somethying we did NO because of His love.

I do not expect anything of my God for to do so would be of misguided pride on the part of myself...I only know of His promises and take hold of them...and trust...and believe that my God is a Good God. And I always remember that I do not desurve even the air I breath but I have been given life eturnal...something I will treasure as a gift...like a homelass man given a hundred doller bill...its soo much, too much for a man to handle sometimes I think...why are we given so much grace? I don't understand...Lord thank you all mighty Father...for your grace is Good. Amen

- posted by Kai @ 9/30/2004 03:26:00 p.m.