Reality
I come here unable to sleep, thoughts plague my heart as though a demon hunts me in the night. My body is tired and I sleep more and more, I don't eat well, mostly because my friend can't afford to feed me. I have a job now, worry sets in and reality hits me and I come to realise that I have never had to deal with this thing called reality before...this real world has always escaped my grasp and now that I am here I am overwhelmed...I want to turn to God, and I have all the answers I need but I shy away as if a child who has lost his way. I think back to my time in Texas...it all seems to surreal now, as if it was never real to begin with...like to many of the other fantasys that plague my life I fear that, that too was only a part of the fantasy. It was so perfect my time there, I was free and the Lord was there. Friends where there too push me and I was there too push them back. But now I am stuck in this thing called reality where none of that is real and I find myself living from one day to the next...surviving but not much else. I hide this away from those I'm closest too in fear that they might worry, that they might be hurt somehow...I care too much for them to see me in such a state that I hide under the blanket of fantasy as though everything is fine. But with every night that goes by I die a little more, my time living in such...peace becomes more of a dream and faces fade and memeries blur as dreams do. And as I lay on my couch all I want to do is pray...but why can't I? Why won't I? I feel the way I did before, before everything happened I feel as though something isn't right. Please forgive me my friends, I never ment any harm...for a while I had thought things where well...but I am hit with a dose of reality and somehow I need to deturmine which is fantasy and which is reality...for the line between the two has blurred so much that, sometimes I don't see it at all. I live my life and I die a little more each day and I wonder, just ponder if I will be saved before my final breath once again...but for now my soul weeps in deep sorrow and my spirit sits locked away still...the key didn't fit I'm afraid...or maybe I was too afraid to even try...

What is this reality? Was that time in Texas real? Was it all just an amazing dream? If it where a dream I only wish to never again wake up and be back in my home, maybe I prefer the fantasy to the reality of this cold world...Lord forgive me, I have gone astray...I wished you to guide me and now I'm here...where are we going? Why am I here? Why Lord can't I hear your sweet song...did I hear you wrong? Was I not too come here...where did I go wrong?

All I want to do is pray...but my heart will not alow it, my soul is too tired...why can't I unlock my spirit from this cage that enslaves it? I don't understand...

I wan't ready for this, this wasn't my time...not yet...send me back to my fantasy where You are there...send me back to my dream where I am most happy...take me from this harsh reality where my soul weeps and my spirit mourns...I can't take the pain anylonger...the death is too great, there is too much pain all around me and its eating away at me...I'm dieing more and more with every breath of dead air I breath...

Take me back to my dream...where I can breath life

Take me back o Lord...

I want to sit at Your feet...
Drink from the cup in Your hands...
Lay back against You and breath...
Feel Your heart breath.

This love is so deep...
its more then I can stand

I want to melt in Your hands agian...
to be overwelmed once again...

To live again, bring me back to my dream o Lord...bring me back...

To You.

I'm stuck in death...dieing...Prayer is not what I need, unless its from my own heart...

God is what I need...to take away the pain, to take away the death...to stop the hurt all around me...

Bring me back to life...bring us all back to life...

Be my Saviour.

Jesus, let me see your scars...bring me back to my dream tonight...

- posted by Kai @ 9/19/2004 10:14:00 p.m.