post to my bro/sis core
As I sat in the sub last night, all I wanted to do was be alone...even as I watched them have fun I just felt, as if for just an instant like I didn't belong. Even amongst the best friends I have here....no, the closest family I have anywhere really, in that moment I just wanted to sit and mellow out on the bass...

ever have one of those moments where you want to have fun but you just want to be alone? its as if you are suddnely looking around the crowd and start to realize that...they don't really know you. Sure a few of them know things about you but do any of them actually know you?

I've been here for a few months now, learned the ropes of being an intern and now hoping from one rope to another everyday...just striving to catch that one golden rope that will lead me even closer to God. And with every rope I hop to, I get closer....so close.

And yet...

As Lamad Ohana, our name means "Pouring into and out from the Family" (rough translation) and I have begun to notice that, as a core...as a brother/sister core, and as a family I think we're still stuck on that serface level relationship that highschool preps had back in the day...sure you could hang out a bunch, you could even have alot of factual stuff about eachothers lives...but you don't know the person at all.

Thats the way I feel, and as I looked around the sub last night I tryed hard to find one person I knew well, that I actually knew...cause I had remembered a promise I made to myself to not have shallow friendships...about 5 years ago...and as I looked around the room, I realised that the one person I truly knew is gone now...home. One person in this entire core.

Truly this is mostly my falt, the fact that I do now know my sisters better then I do is nothing to make excuses about, and I'm not going to bother, just sometimes because of all the rules of getting close to ladies are sometimes confusing, and I know my limits, but wha about the ladies in our core? How deep a friendship is healthy and how deep a friendship is entering the danger zone...see what I mean? We're suppiosed to be a family and told to buld these deep relationships...but the only way I feel safe with a lady is to keep it surface level and leave it at that...but thats not the relationship I have with my own sister back home, hek my sister and myself talk about everything, about the guys in her life...the fustrations in her life...or whatever, if she's teed off at her new boyfriend I tell her "I told ya so" and help her out, same with my mom...when she's just fed up with dad (happends all the time) she comes to me and we just talk it out, you know? When she can't stand how he is sometimes and just needs to let it out, she comes to me and is just like "I hate your father AHH!!!" and I'm like "No you don't." and we go from there, same with my best friend back home Beverly, she's awsome and we have had the most interesting conversations about our faith and our lives, we have talked about situations in our past and bounced things off eachother and just have been friends for many years, and I know I'll never even think about getting together with her cause thats not what its about ya know? So I mean, deep relationships are possable with ladies, I want the same kind of relationship with my sisters here on campus that I have with my sister back home, the kind of relationship thats total purity because we are brother and sister. Is that possable on campus? I think it has to be if we are to truly become what our namesake suggests.

And you guys, you Selfless men of God, we need to get closer, there is nothing holding us back but ourselves...I think I might have mentioned this before but I am totaly against the idea of APs for the simple fact that, then one person knows you and thats it. You pour yourself out to one person and that one person knows you so deeply, and then the rest of us in the core have no idea who you are...I mean yeah, I have an AP back home named James (my "other" best friend...lol...my 2 best friends are b/f and g/f) and yeah, we keep eachother accountable about things but when it comes to sharing myself I want to share with everyone, James knows me better then anyone on this planit, because off all we have been though together, heck he led me to Christ...took me in when I was kicked out...he's the one who was there to lift me up in my lowest times...heck he even saved my life.... you men of Selfless have something special, its the same thing I first saw in James when I first met him...that eagerness to love, that craving for deep friendships. You people are my friends not just because the HA placed us in the same core, heck..not even because GOD placed us here together...we're friends because of our closenesss as brothers. If we don't have that closness are we truly friends...or just coremates? Are we truly family...or just roomates. I know I'm the worst for this, for not going out and seeking these friendships I'm most passionate about, but it takes something I'm larning more and more about...boldness. I encourage you guys to yes have APs cause in all reality its a good thing, but not to limit your friendships to your APs...cause thats what I have begun to see...the only true friendships I can really honestly see are amongst the APs. So yeah...

Well, I better be off, I love you all, peace.
- posted by Kai @ 1/23/2004 09:04:00 a.m.